How do I get the courage to get up and leave my husband?

Question

Time after time he tells me I can trust him, and time after time he lies. I want to leave but I have no one to go to and no courage to do it. Everything I get is from him. I'm not working, I have a child who needs to be taken into concideration too. What I would LOVE to do is move away completely but I don't know how, or, where to start. He plays with my mind...telling me things then taking it back either saying he 'didn't say that' or 'that's not what he meant'. Changing his story over and over. Can anyone tell me what I need to do to move away.....PLEASE.

Answer 1

If you don't have family or supportive friends to help you leave, then take it in baby steps. First things first, knowing that you are leaving should help your sanity because you know the situation is only temporary. Second, learn to filter the Bullshi*, you know what's real and what's not, don't let him drive you crazy with it. Don't argue with him, tell him you know it's bull and leave it at that. Third, either find a job or enroll in classes so that you can find a way to support yourself and your child. It may be challenging if you need a sitter or have limited hours, but be persistant. Things have a way of working themselves out if you stick to it. Fourth, realize that he may resist your attempts to improve yourself and will probably attempt to sabotage your self esteem in order to keep you needy and weak. Don't let him do it. Be strong and determined- even if you don't feel like it. Sometimes convincing yourself that you can do it is the hardest part. It'll be a hard road at the beginning but as you move along things will get smoother and you may find some true friends along the way that can help ease your burden. As you change and grow as an individual, he may start to change too- for better or worse. Once you establish yourself you can start making lasting decisions for yourself. Good luck, God Bless, and Stay Strong.

Answer 2

You may not like this email but read it and digest could just get you out of a sticky situation. Remember I am writing objectively with the best of intentions. And i read in a previous question you asked that you have been married for 21 years, not just a small thing to throw away.

If he is lying to you then you must be telling us the TRUTH then, is that you expect me to say !!!

if you are telling me the TRUTH then you will be a 100% confient that all of your answers are accurate, him playing you etc.

From what I have heard I am doubtful that you are telling the truth and the person that this is hurting the most is firstly you and then your husband.

You are also being very RIGHT about how things are, can you be confident that you are or is it just a point of view.

My worry is that you have blown this up out of proportion for such a long time and it has got to a state where it is not repairable.

I would guess that you are very judgemental person, now be warned judgemental people are excellent at somethings and not at others and remember a judgemental person is just as good as another person, it takes all sorts to make this planet work.

However judgemental people do have a problem with making people right and wrong, including themselves and it works to be aware of this. So that you can use it when it works for you and bin it when it doesn't.

So if this rings true acknowledge this and take a deep breath.

Now you need courage and if I am on the right track you will need more courage to stay with him then leave.

Your current lack of courage is due to you being unsure of doing the RIGHT thing and i suspect in your heart of hearts you know that it isn't.

Now where do I go with this in the short space of time and text to get you to move forward. Ok what I think YOU (not your husband) must do is to go to a counsellor or a psychologist and explain your insecurites and how you have been making your husband WRONG and how have been being RIGHT.

When you start to get the facts and the languge to apologise for all this years of dominating him with these issues you could turn your relationship right around. The person who you see will help you see it and you can get your thoughts together.

Only you have the power to do this.

Oh and by the way I have seen this situation a lot with wives in well established relationships and they have gone on to save their relationships. I'm not saying you are going to, it could be dead, beyond repair, but you could also relight the fire, I suspect he still loves you very much. In the worst case scenario if you apologise for your part unequivically then it will make any break up or life after break up easier, kids houses etc

Whatever you do take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your part in this breakdown and you will improve your relationships no end.

Answer 3

If you've fallen out-of love with him and he with you then you both need to sit down and rationally talk about where you'll both be heading with your lives. I guess you feel helpless given the fact that you're 100% dependent on him. Irregardless of your age, why don't you start to do something to gain your independence and self-reliance. Any job prospects? Skills-training? Why not try starting over a new leaf,? Flesh out the ideas, put your thoughts on paper, seek help from a few friends you have and get out and get independent. Perhaps when he notices that you're gaining your independence he'll change his behaviour. Obviously you are frustrated over this situation and it would only serve you well to muster up every possible courage you can to make any "changes" you may feel necessary. You have to care about yourself and your child. Try to set an example that he or she may not find themselves in a dependent situation where they have no options and are caught in a deadlock. Pluck up your courage and be willing to act in order to bring about the change. Stand firm in your convictions and maybe he'll turn around and see that you're a "pillar of strength". Who knows what he is going through as a single-income earner? Maybe what he is doing is his stress-reliever?

Answer 4

My deepest sympathy. There's diff considerations you might want to look into:

support : Depends on where you are, Is there any social welfare can you turn to? How about relatives, your own family? Does anyone knows what you are going thru?

Being financial dependent on him will be a tough one, but you can still move away.

Counselling: Have you spoken to anyone else about this? So far, it looks like the main problem is his compulsive lies. His habits is making you doubt his sincerity and hence your erosion of trust. Have you ever caught him doing something he isn't suppose to?
Has he really broke the final auger in your trust in him?

You really should seek someone real to talk to. I seriously think a forum like this while it may help you get going, you will need real people to help you get thru this.

My deepest regrets, good luck hey...

Answer 5

I'm sure you have a friend or family member you can stay with. do not stay in a bad relationship because you feel you have no way out. No its not appealing but you can go to a shelter. You have to get a job and start over. It will be tough of course starting from the bottom always is but it can be done. Try looking in the papers too. some people will let you stay on their property in a motor home or even in their house if you babysit or work for them at their house. There are a lot of elderly people looking for someone to live with them and help take care of them and there house. You have to put your mind to it. If you have trouble just remember your son can see how unhappy you are and it will greatly effect him, I speak from experience.

Answer 6

First thing congrats on realizing u want out and trying to find a way out that is the first step.Legally though u can't just up and leave with a child involved u need to seek true legal aid for that.Though use ur child as ur strength. Look at ur child and say do I want my child to grow up being dependent or independent, do I want my child to see that a man should treat his woman like this. I say it that way becuz as a mom i tend to put my feelings last and focus on my daughter and use her as my inspration for everything.When someone is caught in the act they will change there story but who cares. You know u don't need him or want him. YOu have the best part of him ur child take that and turn it into to strength. Be proud of who u are and tell ur self I don't need a man to survive.In doing so ur confidence will bulid and u can get gov help i the mean time and do schooling or work.There are tons of programs that help single mothers get back on there feet ur not alone.

Answer 7

if your husband is playing words into your mind like what you said, he's just another cunning fella, leave him

Where to get the courage to leave him? Think about your child, think about his future, think about whether you want to continue let this kind of man (so what if he's the father) to continue raising your child up.

Get help from friends and family, if not welfare group, clear the lines away from him legally so as to prevent any backshot from this cunning person.

As long as you do want your child to grow up healthy, and you staying happy, you will get all the courage, just go out and work, earn a living, life might be difficult for a start, but you need to buck up for that first step, would definitely be happier than sticking around suffering...take care

Answer 8

I'm going thru the same thing right now. Don't get me wrong, I still love my wife very much and want her back. Try marriage coucelling, that's what I will do if she returns. Give him one more chance and let him know that's his last. You never know his reasons for being like that, but if you can work them out, that might help. Also try contributing to the household expenses, my wife never did and that was the source for numurous arguments. Don't just choose the easy, running away route, try one more time, if that doesn't work you'll at least have a clearer concience. Take care.....

Answer 9

Good Morning Today is going to be the day you do something about this miserable life you have found yourself in. you have a mobile I presume.Phone a solicitor enforce on the phone the urgency that you need to see someone like yesterday. in the meantime leave messages with relevant agencies that deal with couples & their problems,tomorrow list your priorities go spend time with some of your friends see if you can`t spend a few days with them.see your local council get a flat,see if your doctor can help a letter from him works wonders sometimes keep your sanity though,don`t know which part of the country you are in but
I am sure in a week you will be able to find somewhere more to your liking,easy for us to say typing but you have to help yourself here as well,Good luck.

Answer 10

You didn't mention whether your husband is/has been unfaithful or abusive. If he is/has and you feel the situation is unresolvable then separation may be the only answer. If, and only if, you feel there is no alternative then you must approach a trusted friend or professional for help if you feel you are unable to make the break alone; and make absolutely sure that whatever you decide to do is also in the interests of your child.