Witty comments: send them.?

Question

be original, be witty, make me laugh because it is 5 am and I have nothing better to do.

Answer 1

Well, if you don't have anything better to do then wait for a laugh, you may want to read this. It's about a day that I had recently. Hope you find it amusing...or at least a distraction!

Enjoy!

Started my day by making a left hand turn in front of a bus barely escaping a collision that definitely would have left a mark. Three minutes later (still recovering from brush with death) my tire blows out on the highway. Blowout causes me to miss all scheduled meetings for the day. Contact AAA for assistance. After a challenging, 25 minute exchange, I determine that AAA hires new members of AA to handle all of their calls.

While waiting for roadside service I'm graced with a call from a pissed off client that is peppered with catcalls from passing drivers. Cell goes dead during call. Certain that hanging up on a client can't possibly diffuse the situation, I scramble and search for my power cord. Power cord, schmower cord. It's nowhere to be found! Convince myself that Jimmy Hoffa has my power cord, favorite sunglasses and a bunch of missing socks. Damn, him! It's not even noon yet.

Follow up my stellar morning with an equally memorable afternoon. Can't stand wearing my work clothes and need to get out of my bra. Strip down, knowing that I'll only be seen from the neck up, and don a fetching ensemble sure to land me in "Glamour" magazines "Do and Don't" section for all eternity. I can see it now. My choice of clothing prominently displayed, face covered with black "hostage" tape used to protect the identity of the fashion challenged. Note to self: Purchase multiple copies when issue hits newstand. Ensure everyone I know gets an autographed copy.

Make trip to bank (riding on my shiny new tire). Ask Teller what is needed to acquire a cashier’s check. Checkbook and license? No problem! Dig into the "black hole" (known to normal women as a purse) beside me. No checkbook. No license. Great. Let Teller know that I'll be back. Lucky her. Drive back to house and rip interior contents apart until it looks like the “Feds” ransacked the place. Nothing. Just for shits and giggles, I climb back into the car and check the "black hole" again. Disco! Checkbook is right where it was the first time I was at the bank.

Back at the bank, with much pride, I inform Teller that I have all required documentation. "Oh," Teller says, "You'll need to come into the lobby to make this transaction". WHAT? "Teller, why didn't you tell me that when I was here before"? I ask, in my sweetest tone, I’m sure. Teller tells me she's sorry. "Not as sorry as my *** is" I think to myself, knowing damn good and well that for the good of mankind, I cannot leave this car. Inform Teller that I will be back tomorrow.

High tailin’ it home, but something seems off. Look down and discover the "air tube" thingy from the bank drive thru cradled in my lap! Have no choice but to return to the scene of the crime and return the damn "air tube" thingy. Third time a charm? Not in this case.

Park car. March through double doors leading to the bank lobby and hold the recently stolen "air tube' thingy over my head like a torch. Announce proudly, to all within earshot, that I am here to return the “air tube” thingy that I stole moments ago. Much to my dismay, nobody seems to have missed it. Teller looks me up and down and appears faint. Teller’s coworkers stare at me with mouths open and eyes like saucers. I must look hot! Maybe Teller and Co. should see the entire package? They did, after all, ask me to come into the lobby to make my transaction. It would be rude to let them down. Decide to strike a pose.

Standing in the lobby, drug store flip-flops, cellulite baring short shorts, and a “wife beater” tank top that shows everything except my astrological sign, I stand tall in all my glory. Teller and Co. can't get me out fast enough! But wait…I’ve got banking to do. Not wanting to waste another trip, I opt to make the most of it by doing my best Courtney Love impression. I throw myself at all of the customers, lick the counter top and steal the deposit slips. Sure that I’ve made my point (and that they’ll never ask me to come into the bank lobby again) I return the damn "air tube" thingy and decide it may be best for me to go home for the day. And maybe drink. Heavily.

Make it home and sink into a bath. Life is good now. Pad downstairs after my bath and discover an e-mail that pisses me off. Think to myself that I should invest in that soap that makes people in the commercials so happy and maybe this wouldn't happen. Respond sarcastically to the e-mail I received and hope the sender gets the real message. Mom calls. Everything will be okay now. She asks about my day. Big mistake. While on the phone with me...she runs over a dog.

How was your day?

Answer 2

It is 2:10 AM my time and I have nothing better to do than entertain you with "witty comments", just who do you think you are Pres. Bush, and me being Cheney... now that is pretty witty wouldn't you say, oh, well, that is all you are going to get anyway.

Ok, I feel sorry for you, so here is an original one. My father and mother was talking when I was a child and I overhead her tell him she was on a new diet. He said what kind, and she said it was a grapefruit diet, he said what does that do, and she said, it shrank your stomach, and he said, "THEN WHY DON'T YOU SIT ON IT"...

Answer 3

Okay,
"God made men with a brain and a penis, but just for a laugh, he only gave them enough blood to run one at a time."

Answer 4

i was so fat that when i sat on my dollar note, that person on the note bled and cried..

Answer 5

adult chat rooms, most chat rooms:
I've been in the adult industry, the entertainment industry.
When I checked out chat rooms I couldn't believe there are so many people chatting, with nothing to say.
hi im joe, I'm tom what kind of car do you like. I pat are there any girls in the room? These rooms have a subject and this is the chat?
Here's a funny chat room. Something to do with swinging and wife swapping and other's seeking discreet sex encounter's.
I read the chat lines, same old dumb go knowwhere chat. Here's the corker. I read the rules, no bad language... made a statement . Just for giggles I said Hi Im joe, let me get this straight: Your group gets together to exchange partners or cheat on their spouses.....but I can't say ****.?
Adult chat site: men who seek women for sex. 40 members. same old chat with this stupid question? Are there any women in the room? I made my comment. the only women in this room are the middleaged baldheared nuts who play the woman. hii I'm jack I'm looking for sex? WHAT? What would a woman be in a room with that kind of crap? Hey Jack...you want women...I'll give you a clue: There's out in the real world living life. Can't find a woman for sex? Do this: save up your quarters and dimes and in a few months you too will find a woman...one much more sexy than the wife at home. Twenty dollars in the seedy side of town is the place. Cheap price and the AIDs you bring home to your wife will be your way of showing her just how studly you are?
Here's a clue for the rest of you guys: You get the girl you deserve or settle for? Women all have a price on their behind no matter what she tells you. Some overpriced and some worth every dollar. Depends on your taste and dollars. Also what you get depends on what you will pay or settle for.
Girls I work with get $300.00 to show up to your room. Anything else costs much more....then there's the tip of course.
Women in my industry know what a man needs. Money.
The women of the good girl mentality work much cheaper. Like your wife...and she cooks and washes you dirty shorts.
Women in the (good) world are cheapest. Only a man or woman in the dirty old world of smut knows a womans value..depending on yor taste. Most are raised to be a girl worth a man's gift of giving her his seed, his idea of what old mom was to dad. The educated, corporate cutie is a great choice if you want to be told what to do and say or how to act. But stay away from the one's who work in that nasty old sex industry. The know from experience what their time is worth. Thank goodness women read Women's magazines for how to look and just what she must do to turn Mr. Wonderful on. God forbid the pick up one of my films or peek into that magazine you keep hidden. Then they'd find our secrets and we'ed wind up with an angry-pissed off wife. I'm writing a book for the woman who has never been to one of my stores. It's a woman's sex book for the woman who has the desire to face the facts of life head on and do that special little job you or he wants.....panty peeking or good old up skirt videos. DAH what! There's nothing a man desires more than the wife sitting beside him, making the sacrifice to wath those dirty films men seem to enjoy. And thy've even point out the movie's quality. Comment's like; look at her nails they are so cheap. Or the see that little spot on her (place) she has the herpies. Women don't have a clue of what a man wants.
My girls do what I teach them. Shut up-put a smile on your face, act interested..............or get the heck out my studio. You see there isn't a woman alive that knows what to do, what to say, what to act. In my business, women learn real fast. The must or no money. If women marry for love and romance why is it a man who has an old car, a good personality, a hard worker, but 65 not seen with a beautiful young lady, younger than your daughter? Read the men wanted adds: sexy woman wants professional man with phd, must love my four little monsters.
Women are real materalistic. Just like you would never be interested in a woman your age with character, loyalty, morals.
Men of 60 must have the young girl. My daughter was ten and had a girlfriend of 16. I took them to the mall. I said let's have some fun. I'll walk with the 16 year old holding hands and you both watch the faces of the men and women who we pass.
Every man looked at me with envy. Every woman with disgust.
Oscar Wilde said it : men become old but never become good.
Women know life too late. People are funny. I'm funny too.
when I was young told my father I was going to be rich but 30. I could tell who was a good girl and we all knew wh the bad girl was..didn't we? Now at 62 I'm doing well in business but not well enough to be the big shot in the red corvette. And women..........who knows? I have some women who work in the business who are kind,sincere,and honest? Then there is the little lady in the supermarket who said screw you to the checkout man. What a world? What a society? Who knows what do do or think. I know, I'll write people magazine or better yet the nice old man sitting there watching the little girls on the swings. Ya sure! Too bad common since isn't more common. when I want to relax and enjoy the advice flowing from a do good old fart or a bunch of women I love to jst sit and listen. I never agrue. I wouldn't want to do that, I jst say...you may be right? They walk away feeling good about the good deed they did. I'm in the entertainment business so I appreciate the voices of wisdom.
How about you? How told you what good and what's bad?
I've discovered a fact few people know. What our belief's and judgements are not their own. The believe what someone with authority told them. The preacher, the Judge. Why....from his mouth to God's ears. God is really pissed at me....he never says anything new. Always the same old advice. Shut up, read the book. Rules rules rules...and the book? Too much work, too hard and boring. There's the Game on today, that movie with all the killing and sexy girls in it. I never miss Jerry Springer....my kind of people. Good old down to earth people just like me and what's her name? Trash in-trash out. Con in-money out. Fool in----money spent. Lif'es a *****.....Fact of life. Wisdon with age.....false. Wisdom is a real tough one. Takes years of screwing up, making mistakes and then you still have to learn more. the Bible says, In all thy getting...get wisdom.
That old boring book again.....I did find out something interesting. Who ever wrote that book sure know people. He must, I found many facts about myself In there. I never knew it was wrong to teach or agrue with a fool. I thought I was doing his a service but the book says only a fool argues with a fool. That listening was better for me than preaching. I know a woman who told me who was going to hell. She had a list. She said she'dd love to see the catholics, the blacks burning as the were thrown in the fire. What excitement...watching a lesbian burn forever. She didn't mention me.....boy was I glad of that....I knew if I paid the tv preacher enough money he'd square things with the big guy up stairs. It's sad God right hand man has to beg to stay on the air. God must not habdle the money I sent two years ago well.
He always need money...fire wood, fule for the furnish. I guess he's a victum of the gas prices just like us?
I send him a bottle of that myrical water I bought. Perhaps it will work for him....all it did for me was taste like tap water. I should have had the priest pray over it. God is so busy he need special people to tell him you wants, your demands. he never listens to me I guess, I want a new car and trip to London. I know, I'll ask Mary, she has a direct line to Jesus. Being a good boy he'll run the God and tell him what I want. After all I did pay him....he does owe me. He'd better not cheat me...if he does I'll really be mad. He can just kiss my three dollars goodbye. That will get his attention. He'll be sorry................no more hearing what I have to say. You try, see if you can get through....ask him for that girl the rich guy has. he might listen to you.....? busy busy busy.
Just like calling tech support....wait....wait...wait....
He never plays my kind of music. I just love heavy metal. I think he should provide music if I have to sit her and wait. I've had enough of this wait crap......good bye!