I love my husband so much. Why can't I trust that he is a changed man?

Question

Four months ago I discovered that my husband of five years had an affair. It crushed me. It was a total schock and I am still wondering why it happened. Since the discovery, he is a changed man. He is extremely attentive, very loving and considerate, and pretty much the dream husband. My problem is that I can't let the affair go. Everything reminds me of it. I wonder what went through his mind as he ventured out to act out his deceit. Not only once, but three differnent times. We have two beautiful daughters together. We went to the zoo today and the road signs on the way home reminded me of a time that he had met up with his mistress in the same area the zoo is located. It sent me back to the pain and anger I felt four months ago when I first discovered the affair. I am a forgiving person, but I seem to be obsessing over this one. I need an outsider point of view.

Answer 1

Of course you are devastated. That is completely understandable. The man that you love and have devoted yourself to betrayed your trust. Have you asked your husband what prompted the affair? Why he felt the need to cheat? Was it just that an opportunity was there? Did he fall in love with someone else? All these questions that keep going through your mind need to be asked of him. Of course he is not going to want to talk about it but he has to. And it may hurt to hear his answers but it is part of the healing process. As far as letting it go, trust is not an easy thing to gain back. Your husband is being the "dream husband" right now but real trust grows back only with time. If he has truly changed, ask God to help you find it in your heart to forgive him. He can restore marriages. He did mine! God bless you!

Answer 2

Four months ago is only really yesterday, and considering it has happened three times I can only imagine the pain you must be going through.

I have been in a relationship once where i had been cheated on four times but i was not married to him. We did have a baby boy though. This was ten years ago and I am still trying to resolve my wounds from this relationship now ten years later.

For me what makes me so angry is the fact that the act of cheating is the ultimate ripoff. He has been so bold as to assume that he can go out there and see some one new, act out hte beginings of a relationship and all the flattering feelings that go along with it right under my nose.

He could have given me deseases beyond belief and cost me my life.

But worst of all, I thought I knew him and it is the most horrible feeling when you relise you are looking at a stranger.

I would suggest some counselling for you. There are so many complicated emotions that you must be feeling and noone in the world would expect you just to suck it all up and forgive him just like that.

You are such a strong person by what you have written and I think that it a beautiful quality.

I believe that people can change. I believe in marrage ang I think you might have a chance but this relationship needs two people who are dedicated to make this work and you have a right to have your heartache heard by him in the company of a professional who will help you beyond belief.

I am sorry for your heartache honey. I would not wish that on anybody. Bless you and one more thing. While I am sitting here writing this to you i am sending you my thoughts prayers and best wishes.

If all else fails, you still have never betrayed the one you love and that is something to hold your head up. So hold it high.

Answer 3

I'll try to answer your question as best I can from a man's point of view. I truly feel bad for you, because I know what you're talking about. I am guilty of doing the same to my wife. It is the very worst most awful thing I've ever done. I know this because I still to this day remember the disqust on her face. And how deeply it destroyed her. As men we're basically slower to mature than women. The act of cheating is usually due to lack of intamacy at home. It isn't normally done for love. Don't take this the wrong way, there is no reason for that to be justified. I'm certain my wife still thinks about it everyday. When you betray the one thing that's so uncommon in relationships today, it results in disaster. I make sure to let my wife know where I'll be & for how long & with whom I'll be with. This helps but doesn't excuse the fact that I was an unthinking jerk. We've been through counseling & it's seemed to help. With our work schedules being opposite I make sure to spend as much time as possible with her. We only have weekends together so we usually go with each other when we leave the house. We've been together for almost 11yrs., 6yrs. of that we've been married & have 2 sons. Your husband could possibly believe what I do. And that is to never have to see your wife's face in such brutal anguish ever again. But if he were to cheat again (I'm not saying he will) it has become a habit. That is where you move on without him. I would expect my wife to do that if I cheated again. From your description he seems to regret what he's done to you so you shouldn't obsess about it, but in the same sense you're not expected to forget it either. Hoping I've helped you somewhat.

Answer 4

Once trust is broken it is a hard thing to restore. It takes time, lots of time. I had a very similar experience, except that I was the one who had the affair. Even three years later he did not trust me, and I really couldn't blame him. We ended up divorcing last year. In retrospect, we should have had some counseling.

Your marriage will never be the same, but don't lose hope completely, because marriages are restored all the time, but it will take time, and maybe some counseling. I would also let him know that this is still effecting you. When you feel pain and anger rise up, you need to be able to discuss it, otherwise the healing will never take place. You can have an even stronger marriage, with some effort and work from both of you. Best of luck my dear.

Answer 5

It's not what happens to you that counts, it's how you think about what happens to you that makes all the difference. That's how some people can cope with certain things a lot better than others. Yes, your husband went outside the marriage - maybe you need to sit with him & ask him why. You need the time to process this event & work through it in your own head & decide wether or not you can live life with him. It is possible for you to get through this but it needs work & to not be swept under the rug otherwise you'll harbour the resentment for years & one day sometime down the track you will snap - not cool. Do you ever think you'd be able to see what happened in a different light - say as a way for him to see how much he really appreciates you & you're the one he wants to stick with? Trust has been broken & the only way to get that back is with time - he has to earn your trust back & that's not going to be easy but while he does that you can be clearing things in your head.

Best of luck

Answer 6

Yes he's the perfect husband. He's the perfect guilt ridden husband trying to make it up to you. But the thing is he can't. He can't turn back the clock and it's killing him.
It's understandable that you can't let this go. Your resentment and anger. The wondering and obsessing. No matter how forgiving you would like to be this "problem" is getting in the way of everything between you two. You are still in emotional turmoil and he is, figuratively speaking, using a band aid to treat a hemorrhage.
I could recommend a trial separation. But what you both need is the aid of a marriage counselor. This should be your outside point of view. Not yahoo answers.

Answer 7

that is perplexing to regain believe and enable pass of the previous whilst your husband is going to strip golf equipment to alleviate his rigidity extremely of turning to you. there'll continually be some style of rigidity in a marriage or any relationship. If the two one among you may no longer sit down and talk those themes mutually, i'm undecided there's a fashion which you would be able to head previous your themes. perhaps yet another pass with a diverse, greater desirable counselor ought to help yet your husband must be a area of the answer. Strip golf equipment are not it.

Answer 8

Honey, men don't change. There are two kinds of men, those who cheat and those who don't. It may be once a year, once every five years, or every ten years... your man will cheat on you again because you have shown him that he can. Now he is only going to learn from this and get better at the cheating! There is no such thing as a one-time cheater... "It meant nothing", "It was the stupidest thing I have ever done", "It will never happen again"... don't buy any of that crap. If you don't think that you deserve better, or don't think that you can find a better man, then good luck... he will do it again. Sorry. And hey Mom, you have two daughters and you are teaching them that men cheat, it is OK, you forgive them and then move on with your marriage. I would kick his *** to the curb... teach them that!

Answer 9

the only thing i can think of is counseling you both should go to counseling also if you love your husband and you really feel that he will never ever do this to u again try to just relax and trust him if you havent already tell him that if he ever cheats again u will leave him then try to forget about it dont stress your self out continue doing u and doing ur part as a wife and mother dont stop and ever think its ur fault bcuz its not!!! try not to worry urself out about it bcuz the bottom line is if he wants to cheat again he will and theres nothing really u can do about it and just know that if he does make the same mistake u will find out about it and u can and will move own and have a wonderful life with ur 2 beautiful girls no matter... what with or without him i know its tuff dont listen to the negative stuff and always no there is always someone way better out there someone who will be all ur hopes and dreams and will love u unconditionally forever good luck sweetie

Answer 10

Its hard when you forgive someone but the anger doesnt go away. My husband did something similar. I know it pisses him off when I forgive him and then a week later get mad again- its something I cant help. The reality is that you need to face it head on. Dont ask for details because they will only drive you crazy. Its hard to trust again- maybe even impossible for awhile. At least you know you're not alone