What do I do with him? Will he get it later?

Question

Im having our first son... My husband and I have been married for a year and Im due in three weeks... He is 19 and Im 20.
For 2 months now Ive been trying to get him prepared for the baby.. we both have jobs and a apartment. BUT his priority is hanging out with friends, playing his music, and partying.. while Ive grown up and started preparing for our future.
I became extremely angry because he informed me that he isnt ready emotionally, and that he felt dead inside. BUT his top priority is his new family. I told him to grow up and be a man because Id leave him if I felt he couldnt care for his son.
Our latest arguement was that him and a male friend of his and 2 female friends that he knew in high school were going to a drag show.. I went along to be apart of something fun but instead I was the 5 wheel! One of the girls even sat in his lap during the show! He doesnt see anything wrong with that because its a friend from high school... is it okay that a girl sat in his lap?

He doesnt think it wrong that one make friend and 2 SINGLE girls from high school come over to MY apaprtment while Im at work and drink... I trust him not to cheat but achohol is not trustworthy.. and is it okay that he has girls over when Im not there? His friend said he wouldnt let anything happen....right....

one MALE* friend and 2 girls

Answer 1

I was in the same situation 17 years ago. You will not make him grow up and take responsbility. I finally left him and have raised my two children mainly by myself. He STILL does not have much to do with them maybe calls them every two months. I go months without child support and my kids have learned that their father is a loser and they are 17 and 15. I do not mean to put a dark cloud on what should be a joyous occasion. Unless he wants to change you can't make him. Good luck to you and congratulations on your baby. His behavior is not acceptable and let him know that.

Answer 2

To comment on the last person's answer - YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT DOOMED, and I am living proof. I got married and pregnant when I was 18. My husband was 21. We have been through so much, and all your experiences sound exactly what I was going through. Listen, he is just scared. The whole lap thing was inappropriate, but you were there, and that is important. It is not like he was trying to hide it from you. Tell him how you feel about that, and that you are uncomfortable with another woman on his lap, friend or not. My husband and I have mutual friends, and we are all very affectionate (hugging, kissing and sitting on laps), but this comes from over 10 years of companionship and trust. We have been married for 11 years now with three kids. I'm telling you. Just affirm that you love him and trust him (unless he gives you a reason otherwise), and pray, pray, pray. God answers prayers, I tell ya. When we first started out, we were in a cockroach infested apartment and on welfare. Now we both have medical careers and have a beautiful $100,000 home with an in-ground pool. Don't give up.

If he insists on hanging out with these two girls. Get to know them. If they are truly just his friend, they will want to hang out and be a part of both of your lives. If they push away - or if your hubby is against it - I would give definitely make him chose. Believe me, I've had to send my husband out of the house a few times, and he came back crying only hours later. You'll know if he is the man for you.

Answer 3

unfortunetly your husband needs to grow up...fortunelty you have a high percentage he will the first time he sees his baby. He has no idea of what responsibility is right now, and when a father sees his child 90% understand at that moment they are a father and know what they have to do. Does that mean he'll change overnight...not completely but hang in with him and he most likly will...as for the girl on his lap...it depends on their friendship...if they were close friends there was most likely nothing in it other then pure friendship...however even in that case it was wrong as he should have taken your feelings and concerns into account as well. However please try to remember that your emotions are running in over drive during your pregnancy and will continue for a while after the pregnancy, so you "might" (not saying yes or no just maybe) have seen too much into that incident and it was completely inocent. Just try to remember that he can and will most likely understand what you want and desire from him when you have the baby and start the change. It won't be instant so bear with him but you will notice changes immeaditly. If you don't see the changes at all after a lil time...kick his butt to the curb and maybe that will help to wake him up...but I encourage if you do that...be willing to watch for him to change and accept him if he comes back changed. Every child deserves to have both parents involved in their lives in the same loving house. If it can't be it can't be...but give it everything you have to try for your baby's sake. Best of luck to you both and if you need someone to help shake your hubby to wake him up...have him email me I'll be happy to talk to him one father to another.

Answer 4

Your husband definitely needs to do some growing up, and fast! The problem is his age. Unfortunately men take longer to become emotionally mature than women do. And how dare that ho sit on his lap! I would have been furious. Not necessarily at her, but at him for letting her do it, with you there!

When the baby arrives it may jolt him into reality, but I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for him to come around. I'd pick a time frame for him to get it together (one year perhaps?), and let him know this. If he doesn't make improvement in that time and you feel like you are raising two "children", then I would count it as a growth experience and move on. You are young, most likely beautiful, and you can and should have the kind of man in your life that you deserve! Best of luck to you my dear.

Answer 5

You have more growing up to do as well. Think back on this in ten years and remember what you know and compare it to then.

He's doggin' you big time. I was doing kinda the same thing when I was younger (The same age until I was bout twenty six.) but we didn't have kids. It didn't change the fact that I was still being an ***. He may come around, when he hits his thirties. I had to see my friends, I had to see this band, I had to go party. Gotta go to the car cruises to hang out! I see his point but he's not about to change anytime soon so either get used to a lot of fighting over being responsible, or get a divorce and move on. You can try and say I don't know him but to me it almost like I was him. (I used to play also,)

I'm not trying to be shitty about this just honest.

Good luck to you and your son. I truely hope you find happiness.

Answer 6

No its not alright, you should let him know that too. He might be trying to have fun before the baby is here. He might realize that when the baby arrives that his current life style will change drastically, does that mean that he cant hang out with friends, no, does that mean that his friends might have to come over to the house and be quite because the baby is asleep yes. He should still have some time for friends but if he ever, i mean ever puts friends before family, i would say good bye. Atleast until he deicedes to grow up.

Answer 7

There is so much i relate to you with. But the one thing about life i know for sure is that you nor i can not ch`ange anybody. you will be a great mum and you will feel the responsibility and raise your child so well but your husband is not living up to his part of the deal and pretty soon i think your going to feel like you have two children instead of one.

Maybe he is the third wheel on your plans for your future.

He is a boy and will be that way for a very long time. do you want to wait or are there better things you could be wasting your time on?

Answer 8

Don't know how exactly, but he does need to grow up and be a man!! He sound like he is just too immature to handle this right now. A little late to be finding this out, huh? And uhhh... NO he shouldn't have other girls on his lap! Maybe if you would have drug him out of there by his hair, he may have gotten the point!

Answer 9

So tell me why you married a 19 year old BOY? That's all he is, he isn't ready to be a husband and a father. This marriage is doomed was so from the beginning...

Answer 10

he is still 19 dnt xpect him to b a man....u hv matured by now, it on u to take a decision.
if u really want ur relation to work, try talkin to him calmly, be nice to him.
if u think u cannot handle this leave him coz itz gonna be miserable for u n for ur child
dont give ur frenship with ur frenz for this relationship, frenz r always a good stand by.