Is it possible to tell my wife I think our marriage is in serious trouble without sounding as a threat?

Question

My wife and I have been having problems for quite a while. 6 months ago I hired a marriage counselor, but it doesn't seem to be helping enough. We have problems with trust and cooperation. Because of our lack of progress and because the problems are immediate and pressing I am beginning to feel that time is running out. I want to send up a metaphorical warning flare for my wife meaning "pay attention, this is serious, time to take action!!" I think it makes sense to let her know I'm feeling near desperation. I know it will sound like I'm threatening her with divorce if she doesn't change: I don't think coercing her to change to my way of thinking makes any sense. I'm wondering if there is a way of communicating my feelings of seriousness and urgency without it sounding like a threat. Maybe it isn't possible. Serious, balanced, and thoughtful answers please.

Answer 1

seeing a councilor should have put on the alarm bells.....if shes not getting it yet...calmly sit her down and see if you can tell her you dont think the counciling is doing much good....ask her how she feels about it and if she has any suggestions for saving your marriage......remember it takes 2 people to make a marriage work.....maybe her heart is just not in it....

Answer 2

Your making the troubles in your relationship with your wife sound like a fire drill. Yes love is seriuos and there should be urgency...but its LOVE not a fire drill or test. You seem to be a ?numbers and figures" man and communicate that way in work and life. But your wife doesnt seem to be that way.
Think back when you were dating...was it sense of urgency and seriuos all the time? Or was there sweet thoughtful dates that lasted hours?
She will not cooperate with you if you bark orders at her..as wouldnt you I assume. The trust issues are something deep that take time to fix...only after you begin to mend the time you lost.
I say.... take her on a date like you shared when you were dating her. A place that has a specail meaning. Dress up, get a babysitter, pay for her to get her nails/ hair done that day of the date...spoil her. She will be more respetive to talking things out if she feels appreciated.

Answer 3

There's really no nonchalant way of going about it. You can just sit her down and tell her that you feel like these problems are drawing you apart from each other, and that you don't want that. You want to emphasise that you want that connection and trust again more than anything. If you guys are going to a marriage counselor and she is acting like she isn't trying or doesn't care, then that is a major deal. You might want to review your relationship and see if she even is willing to make changes. Well, that's all I can say about the subject, the best I could do anyhow. Good luck with all of it though, and I hope I helped!

Answer 4

Dude your wife is a big time hoe. I'm 17 right now and I've been with 6 girls. Your wife's the type to be pushed around a party when she's all drunk like this one girl I know. I wouldn't even touch a girl that's been with 10 guys. 30 is even worse man. She has more miles on her than a 1972 Mustang Boss 302. I would never even look at her. To be honest she probably smiles in getting deep dicked. Ughhhh imagine if your son was to find out. He'll probably run away.

Answer 5

Have you made any changes? We try too hard to change other people... sometimes we expect the marriage counselor to change our spouse for us... "if she would only do things MY way..." Try making some changes in your actions and reactions and see what happens. If the issue is trust and cooperation - are you trusting and cooperative? Tell her that you love her and that you want the best relationship possible for both of you... then really listen to her suggestions and ideas about how to make it better... who knows... maybe she has some sense of urgency and seriousness that you haven't heard yet...

Answer 6

you know what would work great??? try changing what is wrong. no i know this is easier said then done, but it sounds like you want your wife to fix this problem, or wait while it fixes its self. the marriage counselor was sign enough that your marriage is in serious trouble! I'll tell you what, you wanna buy some time?? try doing something you both will enjoy and make it spacial... then do it again, and again, and again... and before you know it, you won't have this little problem. sorry buddy, but you're gonna have to work at it! if you can't pull it off Houdini, then let go, don't drag it out. it's not fair to either of you, either change the situation or stop postponing the inevitable!

Answer 7

May be u should change your counselor. Go see your new counselor alone first and tell him how u feel. Do u have any kids, if so then u need to work on this marriage even more. You will have to make compromises next time around. The second or the third time most people change themselves.

Answer 8

Well, since the marriage counselor didn't help then that can only mean someone doesn't care about the relationship. And what do you mean having her change to your way of thinking...Do you believe in compromising? To tell you the truth you have not really said what she is doing wrong....There are two sides to a story...My only advice is to pray on it....Ask god to give you the right words to say to your wife without upsetting her...

Answer 9

I can hear your plea for closure, I can also hear your plea for Love's sake. Well, in order to have love, you must give love without asking for anything in return. When was the last time you bought her a special gift? A gift that says "I Love You, My Wife?" Try to put all the past incidences behind you and look forward to a new life together. Perhaps take a trip together and if you start arguing.. stop and say, "but God loves you and so do I." As a man, you must take control of the marriage and guide it to a better place. Think Positive!! You must fight for love and not for harm!

Answer 10

I worked at a "toxic-to-me" marriage for 38 years. See my answer to Mayel 2. Question how you can re-connect. Assure her that you still love her and that your relationship is the most important thing in your life. You are correct. Threatening divorce is like starting a war. I did not do that. He forced me to act. My grown children and trusted friends supported me. If my spouse had cared just a little, I would still be his wife. That, not divorce was what I wanted. I love, still. Please do try, as if your life depended on it.
See if Mort Fertel's Marriage Max can help you begin.

Answer 11

Try this on for size. Dont say anything to her right now. Pray about it, give it to God, and watch and see how things start to change in your marriage and your home. God can change her far better than you can, and the change will be lasting if God does it. God can always do a better job than we can. We always try to do everything ourselves and forget to let go and let God. He has your best interest at heart, He wont stear you wrong. Stop talking (arguing) with your wife and start talking to God. He already has the answers He is just waiting for you to ask.