My son passed away going on 3 yrs now - does it ever get easy?

Question

My son was 28 and killed himself over a girl / I am 47 I have lost my best friend, I thought I knew him well - but I didn't, I have put myself into my work the busier i am the better it is for me - but - when I am not busy - then everything comes to mind, it feels as if I start the whole process over again, what could I have done to prevent it, Why didn't I notice he was depressed, I am so lonely for him. what can do ? His room is the same as he left it.

Answer 1

My most sincere sympathies to you sweetie. I am crying just thinking about it. As a parent I can't imagine how difficult that must be not only to lose a child, but in that way. And based on your age difference I can see how you would feel that he was your best friend - you guys practically grew up together!

I do know this - hiding your grief in your work will never make it go away. You must allow yourself to grieve - really grieve. It's a long and painful process but it's God's way of purging the pain. You will have overwhelming sadness, and anger and self-pity (why me?) and guilt and all of those emotions are NORMAL and expected with a loss of this magnitude. Allow yourself to FEEL those emotions. Deal with them as they come. Only then can you heal.

You don't know that your son was depressed. Many people take their lives in a split-second decision based on an action that just happened. Unless he called you and said "mom, i'm going to kill myself" there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Put that thought out of your mind!

Change his room right away. That room will only re-open the wound of your loss every time you open the door. Keep the precious memories but let the "things" go. They are just material things. They won't bring him back and they will only prevent you from moving forward in your life which is what you MUST do. Going back is not an option.

Please, whatever you do, turn TO God and not AWAY from Him as I'm sure the natural reaction would be in this situation. It is our human nature to want to ask him why. We may never know the why until we get to heaven. Know this - God will not place on you more burden than you can bear therefore you must be a really strong woman. I know you don't feel strong at this moment but you really are. Turn to God in your grief and He will comfort you. He will be with you in the lonely days. He will never leave you nor forsake you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you!

Answer 2

To start off I am only 19 years old, but eight years ago I lost a brother he was hit and killed by a car then exactly three months and two days later I lost my granmother and for years I lived it over and over again I can only tell you that as time goes by it does get easier you just have to let it you can't blame yourself or ask what could I have done because there is nothing that you can do. I also just lost my mother in august the 25th of august as a matter of fact and I thought I was ok until I had a breakdown at work. Things aren't easier for me yet either because I haven't faced the fact that she isn't never coming back to me. I think that is why things aren't any easier for you because you want him back but you can't have him back and you don't want to face it. Reality is hard to face when you loose someone that close to you, but eventually you have to face it or other wise your just hurting yourself in the long run. First off even though this is going to be hard change his room around it will help you in the long run because seeing that only puts in your mind that your son is not gone and that is what is being set in your mind. Then just remember that god can take away our loved ones but he can't take away the memories that we have of them. Me personally those are memories I am going to cherish forever. Another thing don't drown yourself in work because that also just makes things worse you need to think about it cry about it scream about it get it out of your system it only helps the heart heal faster and only helps you grip on to reality faster and even though it's something you don't want to do you have to, because it only makes you feel better. I am sorry that you have lost your son though. Take care of yourself. Just remember you'll always have your memories and no one can take that away.

Answer 3

I can't imagine what you are going through. I think you're on the right track by keeping yourself busy... Remember, it isn't your fault.... people who do commit suicide usually are pretty good about hiding their intentions from the ones they love. My fiance committed suicide on the other side of the world where I couldn't get to him or even attend the funeral...and I had no clue it was happening... he did it just one month before he was to move to the US... I understand the loneliness... but maybe, and this is just a suggestion, maybe you want to pack away his stuff and donate it to someone who will get some use out of it... keep a few items that remind you of your son, but letting his room "go" might be a way of moving forward... Talk to someone... a counselor at church (if you go), a therapist, maybe a support group of other parents who also lost children... good luck with this and know you are not alone. Maybe your experience will help someone else who is going through the same thing you have gone through...

Answer 4

It will get easier. I know it seems like you will always be stuck in the moment that you were given the horble news. But you will not always be there. Find a way to rember your son and then go from there. You will start to find thing that make you so happy and it will be away to rember him. I lost my son to, it has been 4 years. He was taken from me by his father, he was only 17 months old. His father took his young life away before it even started. It is still hard some days but I alway work threw it. I just rember that my sweet baby is looking do on me and wanting me to be happy. Always rember he will always be with you . When the wind blows it is him giving you a big hug and when the sun shines down on you it is him you giving you a kiss.

Answer 5

If you haven't had professional help. You really do need some. If you have a pastor that is a good place to start. A support group is another must have for you to move through the process. It is a lifetime hurt. But it does get better. I have also lost a child.

Answer 6

Anyone can look into the book named "I could have done More", but we were not met to dwell on what makes us sad, we were met to think about what makes us better and helps us and others to overcome the same problem. Your body and mind thrives on good news and physical excitement. The endorphines produced from both of those instances give you a natural chemical high. Thinking about the other gives you a natural chemical downer. Yes, it is a choice, but you can find things to build upon and live for.

Answer 7

That is horrible...I am so sorry. There is nothing that you could have done, it was his choice. Don't EVER blame yourself. Only the good die young, it is true. I had a friends die when we were 13 and her father still has not forgiven himself to this day so badly that he has driven himself into depression. It gets better with time but you will never be completely healed. The best of luck to you, you deserve it! :)

Answer 8

take baby steps. you will always have him in your heart and that will never change. i know you want him to come back and thats why your keeping his stuff the same way as if he never left but thats unhealthy. its okay to miss him and cry about it and want him to come back but by keeping everything the same as it was isnt gonna change anything. make a box of the most important things that you know he would want you to keep and remember him by and put the rest in storage or give it to the less fortunate. change his old room into your 'get away room'. make a scrap book or a movie with everything from the past. it will make you remember and feel better. just take baby steps and in about 2 years you will get back on track and be doing things as if he went on a trip around the world .

Answer 9

sometimes we have things happen in our lives that look back and think we could have prevented it orstopped it from happening---
i am sad for your loss-i tried to overdose when i was 16 on a bunch of pilles only towake up next day feeling like crap---and never tried it again--life isnt perfect buti am glad i am still alive--couldnt imagine putting my mother through that--
as time goes by--it will get easier---its not something you will ever forget-- and you will always wonder--what could you have done to stop him--to change his mind--but usually when person does it--they have made up their mind and it cant be changed--i am sorry for your loss--
but think about it this way--maybe he is looking over you wishing you to not carry this burden on your shoulders for the rest of your life---if need to talk--email me at lhardwick69 at frontiernet.net--or imme on yahoo lhardwick69--

i am kind of curious as to what was happening at the time--but i am sure that if he were able to talk to you today--he would tell you it wasnt your fault--and that he would want you to live your life as if he was still here-- with you---
hope this helped

Answer 10

Missing M...

It will get easier over time, however, but you will never forget him...and you absolutely will never stop blaming yourself because you don't have closure to the why's or what ifs you could have done...but again it will get easier.

Highly recommend that you talk to a professional to help with those unanswered quetions. This will help your mind stop racing when you have down time....


Sherry