What I Want For Christmas
My favorite picture
Is a daydream.
Seeing you seeing me again.
The sun can cease to rise,
I only need the illumination of your eyes.
Race to me and leap into my arms,
Prove these distances can do no harm.
Tested by time your feelings reamin
Kissing you kissing me again.
2006-10-14 16:48:34 · 5 answers · asked by Matty James 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Thanks for looking at it I know it needs work and I wouldnt be trying to get this published its for a girl that I very much like. I have some published poetry I just wanted to see what you thought of this first very rough draft.
2006-10-15 09:21:45 · update #1
It's nice. Got good rhyme, but try reading it aloud and see if it sounds a little cumbersome. Also, try to keep a consistency in shape, eg:
My favourite picture
Is a daydream
In it I see you
Seeing me again.
Aside from that, it's very sweet.
2006-10-14 18:31:04 · answer #1 · answered by boo! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it would be likely to get published, per say, but it's not bad. If you could put music to it, it might work better as the lyrics to a song.
Nice work.
2006-10-14 23:56:27 · answer #2 · answered by MigukInUJB 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no emotional depth. It is not deep which defeats the whole purpose of a poem.
2006-10-15 05:00:24 · answer #3 · answered by nightflowerphil 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
awe! How sweet! Who is it for? If so then it's very beautiful.
2006-10-15 00:43:29 · answer #4 · answered by alayton_1991 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's a nice poem
2006-10-14 23:51:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋