answer only if you have been married for at least 5 years?

Question

married almost 13 years. i am catholic with four children. my husband and i argue all the time about everything. i have been with this man since 19 years old. as soon as i graduated from college we married. i feel that i am not truly happy and i feel life has more to offer both of us but not togeither. i told him we need a break from each other he states that he is not going anywhere. meanwhile i am the primary caretaker for the children because he works 3p to 11p monday thru friday. should i just go through life with my feelings of regret or should i try and move on. counseling is not an option we've done that before on another situation.

Answer 1

My answer might be different then everyone elses,but you shouldn't leave him until every avenue has been taken. 3 to 11pm shift is hard on a family of 6, you 2 really need to have more one on one time together or it will become a full blown fight each time you see eachother. Whatcha need is a real romance with him again, sometimes when we fight neither one is in the right, so pick the real big issues when you both can sit down and talk it out, otherwise, wait until the stress clears.This is coming from a Catholic wife and mom of 3,Good luck,stay strong.

Answer 2

Just because you have been to counseling for another situation doesn't mean it can't be helpful again. Maybe with a different counselor??? When we marry, we promise that we will love honor and cherish each other as long as we both shall live. In sickness and in health, in good times and bad, until death do us part. No where in the marriage vows does it say, except when times are rough. It takes a lot to make a marriage work.

Maybe the two of you need to go on a couples retreat. Marriage Encounter is a very good one. It will help you get back on track of what made you fall in love with each other.

I'm Catholic too and we have been through some very rocky times in our 28 years of marriage, including depression, unemployment, and cancer.

Answer 3

My husband & I were catholic, too. The only problem with the church in this situation, is that they're against divorce. They didn't have the tools to get through this time in a marriage. At least they didn't 10 years ago. My advice is to attend a non-denominational, Bible based Christian church. In a place like that, you can get in a small group with other couples with the same issues. You will get tools to get through this. You made a committment and if you're not abused, my advice it to work through it. It's not fun being a single mom. If you think you will make yourself happy, etc, it's even worse. I can't be selfish and I only have 2 kids. My life has to be about raising 2 productive God-loving people and then ONLY THEN, do I get to "have fun". I do know the Catholics have a program called "retrovaille" or something like that. Seriously, you can end up with worse....
Actually, the best thing you can do is pray and ask God to help you. Beg God to help you and to guide you in what you should do. I'll pray for you tonight.

Answer 4

Sounds like you both need to learn to appreciate each other, and what each other goes through to support your family. You said you are the primary caretaker because he works, but that is what he is doing to take care of you and the children, so your assessment isn't very fair. And all of his assessments of you may not be completely fair either.

Even if you aren't feeling happy, you can still love him. Love isn't a feeling, its a choice and an action. It is giving of yourself to someone else selflessly. Tell your husband you love him. Show your husband you love him. Even if things are hard. Life is hard, but we have to get over it and move on. Otherwise, everytime we 'feel unhappy', our life will come crashing down. Remember that those marriage vows meant that you would stick together in the good times and the bad times. That meant emotional good and bad times too.

Also remember that your husband is not responsible for your happiness. And you are not responsible for his either. You both have to make up your minds to be happy, or you never will be. You will never have happyness in your marriage unless you choose to bring happiness into your marriage.

And don't forget prayer. God made marriage as a good thing, and He made it to last. He wants it to last. Always stay faithful in that too.

Answer 5

My husband and I have been married 10 years. Things got really rough about 3 years and 3 months ago, before the birth of our first and only child. That was when he was diagnosed with Early onset Parkinson's. He was 38. He worked harder and came home extremely late. I cried, but my baby helped me be strong and tolerate it. I begged for us to see a MC, he finally agreed. I told her about the baby, the diagnosis, and how I thought it was affecting our marriage; that was about 6 months after the birth. My husband never said anything of value to shed light on the situation. We quit the MC. Through a defeated exchange one day, just before our daughter's 3rd birthday, I discovered that it wasn't the diagnosis that was ruining our marriage and his attitude; it was the fact that he never really wanted the child. Well, what I am saying is that a counselor does not always enable a man to express his TRUE feelings. They agree to go, because they know there is a problem and they don't want to quit. But they won't admit their true feelings because they don't want to be alone. Even if they are not happy. Resentment truly ruins a marriage and of course lack of communication. If there is is still true love envolved, then there is much work to be done. Also, the kids come first- no matter what- they should not be privy to anything spiteful or resentful. You two need to have a come to Jesus talk and put your cards and TRUE feelings on the table.

Answer 6

I think that I could help you out! I recently kicked my husband out after our 8 year anniversary. Left me with our 4 kids to deal with all on my own. We got married way too young, I too was 19, he was 20. We had our first child when I was 20, and the problems in our marriage were masked by the children. My realization of how unhappy I was came when I quit my full time job to go back to school. And for the first time in the 9 years that we were together, I put myself first. I wish that I could say that it was a cake walk from there, but it wasnt. If you would like to discuss more, I think we might have very similar situations. Best of Luck in any choices you make!

Answer 7

I have been married 20 years. Around the 14th year I was confronted with the dilemna you are now enduring. In the end ; I found that I was overwhelmed with the responsibilities I took on being supermom. I had never accepted any help with the care of the children or had any time to devote to pampering myself. My husband and I had fast become roommates and not friends much less lovers during this time. We packed up the kids and sent them to relatives for 6 weeks. During that time we dated and worked out and laughed and sometimes just went to bed at 8/pm and slept thru. We were re-energized; picked up the kids and have been doing the maintennence on our relationship. The children (2 teens and a preteen) have learned that while we are their parents ; we are also a married couple. That relationship is seperate from theirs. We continued with our individual pursuits and the restlessness passed and never returned.

Answer 8

I was married for seven years and I am now divorced. I have two pieces of advice.

First and foremost, don't rule out counseling. Even if you have done it before. It is imperative that you and your husband communicate. Your lives will be intertwined, married or divorced and you need to learn how to try to find each other again on some level.

Do everything in your power to try to save your marriage. If you can't save it than at least you can be at peace knowing that you did all you could do to save your marriage.

Divorce is very hard. Life on the other side is rough but can ultimately be wonderful.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I know that if you're arguing about everything and nothing, there's something deeper going on. And, the two of you need to figure that out. I am not Catholic, but I understand that if you get divorced, you cannot remarry in the eyes of the church. (I think that's how that works) If you're willing to do that, then by all means, you need to consider divorce. But, ONLY after you have exhausted ALL possibilities. I understand you've had counseling, but maybe you should go again. Life is entirely too short to live miserably.

Think of it like this: if you were told you only had months, maybe even weeks, to live, would you work it out with him or leave to enjoy what time you had left?

** Tomorrow is not promised to anyone **

Answer 10

Counseling is ALWAYS an option. You are unhappy...boo-hoo, welcome to life. You suggest breaking up your family, dragging your children through a divorce, making them observe you dating another man (men), generally draging everyone around you into a cesspool of bad emotions because YOU are unhappy? You are such a woman. Do you not have enough stones to at least hold out until your children are gone? You remember, those kids that you and your husband would gladly give your life for rather than see any of them injured? Well what's the damn difference? You would go through the agony of giving your child a kidney but you just can't seem to find enough strength to stay in a regretful marriage for a few more years. It's all about you and your 'feelings'.
Your lack of resolve nauseates me.