What do you think of my poem?

Question

Set the whole world aside for now,
Stand for two minutes silence,
This is our so called surrow,
For the dead we never knew.

This must be what they wanted,
After such a tragedy,
Yet still I think through this silence,
Is this what he wanted too?

If this time is dedicated,
To the victims of this time,
Why is my heart screaming so loud,
Revenge, revenge, revenge.

The hated man's ultimate dream,
Was an impact on this world,
Then why after his acts of evil,
Have we handed this to him?

Answer 1

Ok. my initial reaction was "I got it" which is GOOD !
I really like the lines
"If this time is dedicated,
to the victims of this time,
Why is my heart screaming so loud,
Revenge, revenge, revenge."
That was very good. You don't need a comma after each sentence ( and please spell sorrow with an o not surrow )and you CERTAINLY don't need to RHYME !!!!!
Don't let anyone discourage you, you were brave to post this;
it has a lot of emotional impact and I liked that. You ROCK !

Answer 2

while I love a good poem with classic meter or flow, I can also appreciate a well-done free versed poem. The subject matter is overly vague and teen-angst angry, so the lack of structure doesn't really do much in the way of making a lasting statement. Who is the speaker and what is that speaker really saying? Why is he trying to get his audience to relate to an unnamed "he" who is supposedly evil for some act that obviously resulted in some kind of tragedy. With stronger imagery it could likely be relatable to a nation at war, but flipped if I know what you're really saying at all.

Answer 3

It's interesting. I don't like the conclusion, because it reads as if you are trying to pose a serious question. Ending on a genuine paradox or even just a difficult dilemma would be more interesting, but your question seems to have an obvious answer -- he did have an impact on the world, and not acknowleding it won't make it go away. We haven't "handed" anything to him on those terms.

If I were you, I might focus on what we have "handed" him. The remembrance is one thing, but unneccessary wars are another. The manipulation of tragedy to advance counterproductive political goals is a good target for anger.

Answer 4

Not bad. Good passion and emotion.

Always remember:

1) For a poet, words are their tools, learn as many as you can.
2) Understand the language and your tools.
3) As the Bards of old, poetry is meant to be spoken, always speak it and read it aloud.

Read what other poets have one, not just the modern ones, but some from times of yore. Learn the rules, so you know when to break the rules. meter, cadence and rhyme.

You do have a spark, now fan it into a flame.


Damn, I'm preachy, ain't I?

Answer 5

Needs work. Work on your pentameter and word flow. Go back and retry your last two verses to make your purpose clearer. Are you talking about the dead or the evil? Think consistancy in your purpose. Remove the commas that separate the lines. You don't need it. I also believe you mean "sorrow", not "surrow".
Remember, a superior poem is not borne on the first try. My criticism may seem harsh but is not meant personally but rather to help you grow. Your poem in it's rough form shows potential, but keep working on it.
Here's a good reference:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter

Answer 6

Sorrow is not spelled as you have it in the third line.
Put a comma after wanted in the 8th line.
Take out the comma after dedicated in the 9th line.
Take out the comma after dream.
Put a period after world.

Now, you have an excellent poem. Keep writing and remember that poetry must hold to grammar rules just as much as other writing.

Answer 7

Honestly , four different themes..one perhaps more personified then the others. Overall continue with imagery and draw from simple example samples. Grow and develop your passions and it will come.

Answer 8

It's really good it has a personal meaning to it people that boo you should make one themselves to see if they can do it better and poems doesn't have to rhyme for it to be a poem a poem has to come from the heart

Answer 9

I think it's very good. And don't listen to people who say "it doesn't rhyme", it's "prose", not poetry. (Look it up). The most important thing is, it evokes emotion...and that's all you need, at the end of the day!

Answer 10

this is very good, you made me think but try to remember death is a part of life, it's what you chose to do with it that is important to him.

And a poem doesn't need to rhyme prettyman.