Please read this poem I made and tell me what you think?

Question

As I lay in bed at night
I hear your voice
Quietly calling my name
As I lay in bed
I feel your arms around me
I feel your warm breath on my neck
As I lay in bed
I hear your voice
And it makes me weak
As I lay in bed
I feel your lips pressed against mine
Softly kissing me with so much feeling
As I lay in bed
I wish to see you one more time
Just to hear you say my name
I wish I could hear your voice one more time
It sounds so sweet coming from your lips
As I lay in bed at night

Answer 1

If you are serious about your poetry, find a writers group where people will tell you everything that's wrong with it. If you just ask most people will say it's good, so as not to hurt your feelings. My personal opinion (and I'm an amateur writer but not a poet) is that it has something going for it: the rhythm of the repeated "line in bed" lines works, it's kind of sexy and the feeling of loss is real. But "with so much feeling" and "It sounds so sweet coming from your lips" are weak, the second especially is a problem because you need to go out on something strong. Is the partner dead or just left her? I guess it's deliberately ambiguous?

Answer 2

I like it, simple yet compelling...typically when someone asks if you like a poem they're unsure of it...if you're looking for suggestions I would say use some metaphors they may liven it up a little more. However if you were going for simplistic elegance...you've got it.

Answer 3

any poem is good as long as you are finding a positive way to express yourself
good job!

Answer 4

I like that

Answer 5

It's cool.

Answer 6

sort of erotic.....not G rated...