My separated "boyfriend" and I had a long talk. He said a lot of honest things including that he thinks he can work things out with his wife.
He says he cares about me and feels as though I have made him my life and he's throwing it in my face. He feels responsible for me and doesn't want to leave me with nothing. He wants to know that I have a plan to get on my feet and is willing to give me a place to stay.
I told him that I love him so much that I would give him up for his family. I told him that I don't want his life to be ruined any more and that I don't want to mess up any chance he has with his family. Then I gave back the keys to his apartment.
When we were leaving, he told me to think about everything and he would call tonight. I told him that nothing will change and we have nothing to talk about. Then I told him I love him again.
Why didn't he just accept the decision and go with it? Why tell me to think more and offer to call?
2006-10-14 11:57:00 · 9 answers · asked by torn 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hi, torn. Me again.
This could be one of two things. He's still weak and this conversation still has him upset that he might have hurt you in some way. Or, he may truly be trying to find a way to have his cake and eat it too. This just may be a selfish action on his part to keep you "on the hook" in case things get too hard for him at home again.
That's the real problem here, is when the going gets tough at home, he wants this option. He may not be conciously thinking that, he may even deny to himself that that's what's going on, but, well....there it is.
You are doing the right thing, and you will be happier with yourself in the long run for doing what you're doing. Stay strong.
2006-10-14 12:01:58 · answer #1 · answered by You'll Never Outfox the Fox 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, why aren't you 'on your feet' already? The last time I looked, this was not the 1950's.
He still wants you to be his "booty call", whenever it's convenient for him. You may not think it's like that, but he is still willing to put you in temptation's way, & still partially in his life. You may have feelings for this guy, but, remember, he's married. He may also have feelings for you (at least physical ones), but, remember, he's married. And he has an apartment? Hmmmmm? What do you think he's going to do with his apartment with you gone? Bring his wife there? I don't think so. Actually, I feel sorry for the wife, especially if she thinks they are "working on their marriage". It may really hurt now, but try working on eliminating the "drama" it seems your life has become. And remember, you may always be the "thing that got away" for him, but he is MARRIED. (Separated? Unfortunately, I've heard that from too many men, who were only separated in their minds). He already knows you love him--don't ever say those words to him again! He has made his choice, and that choice is his wife. I do wish you luck, during this trying time. And, yes, it isn't fair. Don't hold onto the drama too long--it's too exhausting!
2006-10-14 19:25:55 · answer #2 · answered by Maewest 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My answer for that is he's trying to keep some type of string attached just in case things go bad with him and the wife. By trying to offer you a place to stay is just his way of trying to keep you close at hand if things go wrong. In my opinion if he really cares about you he will let you move on because he can never give you himself 100% because he already have committed himself to his wife. We as women sometimes desire to be loved until we will settle for what ever comes our way.Don't ask the question of why didn't he accept the decision. You accept the decision and move on with your life, there is someone out there who will love you and only you. Why cry over half baked bread when you can have a full course meal. Sorry if I sound hard but he will only use you as long as you allow him to. Move on sweetie your husband is waiting to love you like no man can. But you got to let that other womans' husband go.
2006-10-14 19:28:25 · answer #3 · answered by tajwf 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Because all during this time you have allowed him to use you and he wants to continue doing so. Face it you were just a "Fling" to him, he probably never had any real intentions to leave his wife, he just wanted to see what was out there and available and you made yourself available to him. He got used to that and doesn't want to give it up altogether. Keep this in mind when you begin dating again, seperation does not mean divorce. If a guy tells you he is seperated from his wife he is saying that he is STILL married but not living with his wife and he wants to mess around until he makes up his mind if he wants to divorce his wife or not. Also keep in mind that the men who do wind up divorcing their wives do not usually stick with the girlfriend the found during their "seperation". She was just there to proove he could still get someone else and as a boost for his ego. So, if you don't want a repeat of what is happening now I suggest you either date guys who are not married, have never been married or who have a final decree of divorce. That is unless you enjoy being used.
2006-10-15 05:24:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to give up on someone you love. However, being in a relationship with a married man is hopeless.
Don't try to compete with the wife...you will lose every time!
Don't answer his calls, as hard as that might be. It will only bring you pain. I know this from experience.
Get back into the dating scene. You need to meet someone single and find a "normal" relationship.
2006-10-14 19:05:30 · answer #5 · answered by EnglishGraduate 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Girl, what are you doing? He is married, has done this time and time again, and is trying to keep you on a string. Cheating men never want to lose anything..they keep adding to the list to make them feel like men. .. which they are not..they are just egomaniacs thinking the ability to get a mistress is a mark of a man. Wrong! And, he could well have more than just one side affair going on at this time...He always will. Stick to your guns, be glad you are rid of him, return NO phone calls, do not let him in, ...he is dead to you. Be happy you are NOT married to him. His wife is used to this crap. Good luck
2006-10-14 19:04:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He is truly concerned for you and doesnt want to leave you in the lurch. Although he knows he has to return to his family his feelings for you have not just suddenly evaported. He is finding this difficult and is hurting but has made the decision and also wants to help his conscience with regards to you. It doesnt sound like he is being selfish but trying to ease his way out of your life gently maybe rather than in one big swoop.
2006-10-14 19:02:42 · answer #7 · answered by angeldust 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You didn't make clear what your "decision" was; did you break up with him? If so, telling him you love him again kind of undermined that; I don't blame him if he's confused about your intentions and desires. In short, he "didn't just accept your decision" because you talked out of both sides of your mouth. Give him one message and stick to it. If you wish to break up with him, don't tell him you love him. That's a double message and it isn't fair. Give him "Just the facts".
2006-10-14 19:04:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it to. Don't let him play you. It's not worth you loosing a chance at a normal relationship.
2006-10-14 19:01:02 · answer #9 · answered by unclewill67 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋