What are some ways an adopted child can be effected by searching for their birth parents?

Question

An adopted child searches for their birth parents and it is a possibility that the parent wants nothing to do with their shild, there may be a chance they dont find their biological parents. Whats next for the adopted child? Is it a chance that the child will have some type of break down...maybe trust issues...emotional problems...problems effecting their futhe?

Answer 1

Hi,

When discussing "adopted child searching," I am assuming you are referring to an adult adoptee who was adopted as a child. Yes, everyone is affected to some degree.

Let's start with the assumption that adoptees remain children forever and are forever in need of somebody else making decisions on their behalf or of being "protected." That is a myth. The fact is that adoptees do grow up and are entitled to the same rights and responsibilities that all other adults in our country have.

Adoptees live in a constant state of "unknowing." Many find this a difficult, painful state in which to exist. Some to a greater degree than others. Questions persist. Adoption is not a one-time event. It is a continuous existence. A truth, no matter what it is, can be accepted and dealt with. Unknowns cannot. Adoptees are not looking for fantasies, they are searching for truth, their own personal truths. In that respect, all adoptee searches are successful, regardless of the outcome, in that they put to rest lingering fears and doubts, and replace them with reality. Connecting with one's past brings a sense of connectedness to others and to the world, an inner peace, knowledge, and the real ability to go on with life. It may be difficult for non-adopted persons to relate to what it feels like to know nothing of one's medical, geneological, or ethnic history, to not know the circumstances that led them to where they are today, to not know anybody who shares your appearance or talents or interests. It is shocking to find that when he/she seeks those answers they are told they have no right to know. To have to verbalize how deep that pain can go & how empty those missing puzzle pieces can feel & to have to justify that to others who have taken all of those things for granted all their lives seems overwhelming.

Yes, it may be well-intended to shield others from possible disappointment. The fact remains that we all, in one way or another, experience disappointment sometime in our lives. You are also basing your premise on the assumption that this will turn out to be disappointing for the adoptee. Only the adoptee can make the decision for him/herself when and if they are ready to conduct a search. To suggest that it is better for him or her to not find out at all because you believe they will not be able to deal with the truth, is patronizing! Nobody has a greater right to an adoptee's history than the adoptee him/herself. It should be up to them what to share if anything, with others, not the other way around. Furthermore, what may seem "disappointing" to an outsider may actually bring the closure they need.

I can tell you that the overwhelming majority of birthparents DO want to be found! I know of no birthmothers who threw away their children in the hopes of never being found again. They were mostly young and scared and from an era when it was considered a sin to be an unwed mother. Keeping their baby was not an option. Open adoption was not even an option in those days either. They were told to "get on with your life and you will forget." True - they went on living. The fact is they did NOT forget. Most are very happy to learn what became of the babies they were forced to relinquish at birth. The stigma that society once attached to unwed mothers is no longer an issue. The records that were once sealed to protect the child from stigma of an "illegitimate birth" was originally intended to prevent nosy 3rd parties from getting information. It was never intended to keep that information from the adoptee him/herself, & it is wrong for it to be used for that purpose. In fact, until the 1930 and 40's, most states did not seal adoption records from the public. Most states are in the process of rectifying those laws now to reflect a more humane and equitable view for the adoptee. Reunions also bring a sense of peace to those birthmothers.

Yes, reunions can be a time when many emotions are experienced, and it's important to have a support system. It is also a process that involves self knowlege, healing, growth, and moving on. Searching is a journey where the individual is looking for answers in how they fit in the world. It is independent of how much love the adoptee experiences from other sources in their life. Regardless of whether the reunion is a lasting relationship or not is really beside the point. A birthfamily is a part of the adoptee's identity and almost all adoptees feel it was meaningful to them to get the answers they needed. If it results in a loving permanent relationship, then that is a bonus on top of completing the search. Nobody can or should make that decision for them. The best that others can do is to be there for them. They will never have to suffer again wondering.

Personally, I can say the outcome of searching was a very positive experience for me. I did not give up even though it took years to complete. "Not searching" was not an option for me, and I have never regretted having the answers I have today. Adoptees have often dealt with lies and deception over their entire lives. Now they are in search of truths, & they deserve it. It is something that once found, nobody can ever take away from you again. I hope this helps to explain some of the effects of adoption & searching as it relates to the adoptee. I am available on yahoo messenger for support and search tips for anyone who is interested.

Answer 2

In a society where genealogy is one of the largest growing hobbies, it is surprising how angry and defensive people become when search is brought up in regards to adoption. Adoptees have no past. For example, when a person marries, then she suddenly has a "new" family. Eventually she will come to love and hate those she has met to some degree. However, those she has not met will have no emotional meaning for her. Grandma Jones is a wonderful person. Great-grandfather Amos, on the other hand, is just a picture on the wall. Many adoptees feel the same way. They have no connection to their adoptive parents' ancestors. Searching for a past can heal a lot of psychological wounds. The biggest thing holding most adoptees back from searching for their pasts is
FEAR: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, and fear of hurting those they love.
Read all about these fears:
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/9606/fear.html

Answer 3

I am a birth mother who found her son when he was 29 years of age. It affected him and me in ways we never thought would happen. He was depressed at times, angry with me at times and angry at everything in general. He was happy that he found me in regards to his medical and knowing his family history. We are very close right now. He is now 38 and a wonderful son to me and a great 'big' brother to his three half siblings.
There are birth parents who do not wish to know or meet their given up children. I know some who found their birth mother and was rejected by her. This is rare I have found. I know over 200 birth mom's by an internet group that supports each other in their search and the finding of their lost children. The majority are looking. If you are afraid to call or write if and when you find your birth mom, get a third party to contact her to make the initial contact and see if she is open to meeting you.
The meeting is hard on everyone. THe birth child, the parent and the adopted parents. Sometimes adopted parents feel that they are losing their child. Sometimes the child feels that he or she is being unfaithful to his parents. This isn't true. There is always room for more love in one's life. Your parents may not want to meet your birth mom, and then maybe they will.
I firmly believe that the adopted child should wait until he or she is at least 21 or older to meet his/her birth parents. It is an emotional roller coaster that at times is wonderful and other times heartbreaking for everyone. I would do it again in a minute. I love my birth son and always have, since the day he was born. I waited until he was 18 before I started looking. I posted on AOL adoption boards and found him 24 hours after posting. He was ready.
Before you attempt to locate a birth parent, please get some counseling to be ready for the emotions that you will experience. It is such a scary thing.

Answer 4

yes to all of those. But what issues will they have if they never ever know? Double-edged sword