Problem with wife?

Question

Here's the deal. When my wife had our son, things were good at work with tons of OT. I told her that as long as we can afford it, she can be a stay home mom and I'd work over. He's now 4 and in day care, and the OT at work is gone. She got a PT job working five days a week and it did help. After awhile she decided she didn't like working and cut back to 3 days. I think she is being selfish and she thinks I am for asking her to work and ME not getting a 2nd job. She still spends like we have tons of cash, which we don't. It's really pushing me to leave her, but I know I'll get raked across the coals in a divorce. I'm tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't get it. Now what?

Answer 1

leave her a%s, she will ruin your life - seriously. Your son will be fine and you will find a better woman who is willing to help you out.

I hope this isn't to harsh, but this is your wake-up call to go.

Answer 2

Having children is a big change and it will greatly affect both your lifestyle and your relationship. You have to adapt and sadly there are some aspects of your old life which will not fit in with having a child. If neither of you is willing to work longer hours, then you will have to cut back wherever possible on grocery, socialising, utility bills etc. Sit down and have a serious talk about what you really 'need' and what luxuries you can do without. Have you checked to make sure you are getting all the benefits, tax credits etc you may be entitled to? Can either of your parents help out? Maybe the conditions in your wife's job weren't very good, or she found it difficult - would she be happier somewhere else? Coming up to Christmas, there is always a much wider choice of jobs and it is much easier to get one of these. They also tend to pay better. If your wife didn't mind an active, physical type job, warehousing is a good industry to get into, it tends to pay well. It is a bit unfair to expect you to always work overtime or get a second job. Lay your cards out on the table and tell your wife it's just not possible, then look through your options together. You could also try counselling / citizens advice as a last resource. Good luck :)

Answer 3

If she can't understand how to budget money then take away her credit cards including ATM cards and only give her so much a week and state what that money is to be used for and nothing else. Tell her if she gets a regular job and helps bring in some of the money you could both have a lot more things as well as do a lot more things together. But then go on to tell her for the mean time you've got to be on a budget in order to pay for the bills that need to be taken care of. The ot's gone as well as the extra spending money. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

If this isn't #1 it's pretty close to it for reason why married couples argue -- money! Very good question!
When hubby & I were first married, neither of us had great jobs. I understood that making the household function financially wasn't just his responsibility. This isn't 1950! Women can be paid at least as much as men. When I realized that the job he had made him happy but didn't pay very much, I went and found a great paying job for me so that we wouldn't be so financially burdened. I did this for my family & myself. I wanted things that we could not afford -- a house, a decent car, not to have to tell my daughter "we can't afford that" all the time. So, I sought out a high-paying job.

Up until 9/26/06, I was making 65% of our income. Now, I'm 100%, as he lost his job. He had taken over paying the bills at one point, but I'm doing it again. Not because he lost his job -- because he couldn't keep track of things. Anyway, I still want what's best for our family -- for our daughter. I understand that it includes me doing whatever I can to make it work financially. I work 68 miles from where we live so that I can get paid higher than the average in our little area.
If you're household is overspent, you have to get rid of the source -- probably credit cards. Cut them up & pay them down to zero. I don't agree with an account to which only one person in a marriage will have access. That's asking for arguments, IMHO. Instead, set up an account for bills separate from the other luxuries, such as cable, internet, entertainment, clothes, etc. After paying bills each month, take the remainder of the money and put it in the luxury account (even if it's not much). Do not use a checkbook in this account, as you don't want to be put in a situation of bad checks. Instead, only have an ATM card for this account. When the money runs out, that's the end of spending. You also MUST involve her in bill paying. Approach it as "you need to know these things just in case anything ever happens to me." Two years ago, my husband had to have an emergency appendectomy. I quickly figured out that I didn't know how he was paying bills and what to do (we do all our finances online). When we started doing them together, my biggest problem, using too many cell phone minutes, was brought to light. I am careful now.
I hope I've helped. As hard as it is, try not to raise your voice and say things that are hurtful or that you'll regret. Remember to keep your words factual without throwing a lot of "you" statements and absolute words such as always and never.
Good luck!

Answer 5

I know she isn't really making that much on her part time job, so let her keep her littl change, so she can spend it all up, and you keep your money in your pocket, and don't giver her NOTHING, when she realizes that once she spent all her money up, and you are serious about not adding to her uncontrollable spending habbits, she will learn to either work more to help out, or stop spending as much. try this, before you leave her, try any and everything to save your marriage, because there is no guarantee that the grass is greener on the other side. I mean I know it may be a burden for you, but it is really an issue that can be resolved if the right method is take. don';t let moey ruin your marriage. now if once you have tried everything, and she still has no understanding, then yes I would say seperate, not divorce, and when she see's that her bills are pilling up, she won't have no other choice but to get her act together. see if you seperate, then you won't be court ordered to support her.

Answer 6

Keep going like you are and let something get repo'd and then maybe she will get the hint. I wouldn't work two jobs to make ends meet when she can work to, When you and her married is was for a life together through thick and thin, remind her of this and tell her that if she doesn't start caring about what you and her do have then it will be gone. It is really hard to get this through someones head when they think the way she does. If you can make the finances on your own then take control of all your money and do the bills yourself and cut her off. Just do the essentials, house, car, lights, insurances and stuff. Bills like cable or satellite tv have them cut off and the phone have it reduced no caller ID and stuff. When she misses these types of luxuries then she can work the other two days a week and pay for them herself. Take all credits cards in both your and her name and get rid of them so she doesn't create more than what you can handle and of course always be on the look out for a better paying job and improve your own life. Good luck.

Answer 7

I think you are probably just using this as an excuse to leave her, for someone else. Maybe you should look at your own actions and try and change yourself then she will too. I am a stay at home mother and it would be very hard for me to just up and go to work after I used to taking care of my kids and being with them full time. Do you ever think of how hard it is for her to leave her 4yr. old son in daycare for someone else to raise him. I know as a stay at home mom I would rather starve than have my children in daycare. You should be a man and get a second job, my husband has done it and didn't mind doing it. As for the spending too much money thing try sitting down with her and showing her the bills and what needs to be payed, what has been payed, and show her how much money you have left, then she will understand why you stress over bills and money all the time.

Answer 8

Okay, I'm on your side here. I pitched in all my life with my husband and that's what it's all about, the good the bad the ugly. Like it or not you got to share it all and sounds like she's a princess who likes to be supported. Oh well, ugh?
When you mentioned divorce however, you failed to say that you do love her and you love your family. I really hope this is why you don't file for divorce and not just because, "you'll get raked over the coals." Better think about that comment, okay? Find out where it really came from within you, analyze it, because it is important.
As to the problem. This is simple. You earn the money, right? She doesn't want to work, and spends like you are worth millions.?
"Nicely" take control and stop giving her your paychecks. Open a separate bank account in your name only, keep your check book in your pocket and extra checks at work in a locker, and begin writting the checks for the rent, utilities and so forth YOURSELF. take that part of the ability of her to spend away.
Either go to the market with her, and buy the groceries or do the shopping yourself. Write the checks for daycare, and make sure if there are added expenses with regards to that child that you see black and white printing on the necessity to spend more.
If you have credit cards, and they are in "both" names, I believe that maybe you can call each one and close out the joint account and ask for a new account in your name only. If they will not allow you to close out the joint account, you will know this after calling just one company , then what you do is call each company and report the cards stolen, lost or whatever, each and every one of them, have them send you a closing statement for each, and ask they not reopen the account , you simply want to close it.
You can contact the credit reporting company's, Experian, TransUnion and Equifax, and tell them you need to put a watch on your information that you do not want your spouse opening accounts under your name, joint or otherwise. I believe this would require, if you went to open an account, that you present your id before the application is approved, only you should have access to your drivers license, get it?
You need to just take control, but don't be a jerk about it. Just tell her after you have actually done all this, that it is for the betterment of your family and future and that if she wants to spend outside of what you are paying, she must get a job and earn her own money. Period, end of story. This will cause some "discomfort" in the relationship. STand your ground, and take charge, this is also your future as well as your child's.
Even if you have to say you are separated to the reporting agencies, then do it. It's all about financial survival here, not personal comfort. It might not hurt to get a PO box and start having bills sent to it, in case you are worried about her opening new accounts or your not knowing who you owe. You can ask for and receive one free credit report from each agency so you can see exactly what you probably have in bills too.
Good luck

Answer 9

My heart goes out to you and your wife. I understand what you are going thru. But you must remember family is keeps you going. Finance will always be the number one problem in marriages. Do not let finance break you apart. If she is spending more money then what you have then some changes need to come about. If that means take the access to any bank accounts or bank cards then she has nothing to spend. I know this may be hard at first but she can not spend what she does not have access too. This will teach her a lesson. It sounds like she has gotten spoiled to the point that she want to be back at home full time. I think she is being a little selfish and you have to make her see that its is destroying your marriage. I am no big on breakups but try to make it work. Pray on it...Things will work out in the end......

Answer 10

This is not an uncommon problem. You have to sit down and make a budget with her. Then she will see that you are not complaining for nothing and that her contribution to the family budget is not sufficient to allow expenses at the rate she is going.Also demonstrate that her asking you to take a second job is not the solution.When there is not enough income the solution is not to take a second job but you both will have to reduce expenses. The most important is not to give up and continue to communicate with your wife. This will not be resolved by you alone and is a team effort. If you can not get through to her , ask somebody to assist. Often wife's will listen to a neutral person as the conversation with that person does not have any emotional involvement

Answer 11

You want to leave her over something like this???? Not much love there is there? I don't agree that you should get a second job, but what are we talking about here? Is her working necessary to pay basic bills like mortgage, lights ect? Or is it to accommodate luxuries that could be eliminated? She should cut back spending anyway....just for common sense purposes. One unnecessary expense... if your wife wasn't working ...is day care. Why would you pay that if she was home anyway? And how much do you participate with the kids and household chores when she is working? Was it a case of her going to work and then coming home to do everything there on her own as well? Think of her perspective... find a less confrontational way to approach the subject and find a compromise.