Friend told me I'm shallow. Í find myself to be self-conscious and sometimes vain. How can I change?

Question

And what does she mean? I used to be really deep, but I always found it really depressing. I normally put other people first, but I don't really have a lot of friends. I never know what to say, and I know I can be quite boring to be around, but I always have a positive edge to my personality and the way I think. Sometimes I look in the mirror and smile at myself cause I know it may be the only smile I will recieve that day, and also I look in there alot because I feel so ugly and fat, so I try and reassure myself that I look pretty.

Answer 1

Being shallow is being judgemental or only being concerned with superficial things. Being shallow is devaluing yourself or someone else based on their physical appearance.

You sound like you have social anxiety, which we all have to some degree or other. And you sound shy (don't know what to say, boring-your words).

If you want to change, it is really simple. It won't sound like it is, but it is a conscious choice you have to make. You may have to remind yourself at first, but it will start to come naturally with time.

The first step is to admit to yourself that you are a bit too self-absorbed. We all are to some degree. That's not all bad, it just means that you are too concerned with your fear, your discomfort, you you you.....

(This causes you to hide your personality behind your anxiety). it makes you look as if you are aloof or stuck up. Other people mistake your shyness for unfriendliness.

Becoming an extrovert is the best way to change yourself inside and out. That means you push your fear of being judged harshly or looking stupid, to the back of your mind, and focus your attention outward. You notice other people.

You give others attention, admiration, appreciation, validation, importance, recognition, complimets, respect, acceptance, and consideration. We ALL want those things, and the best way to get them for yourself, is to give them to others unselfishly. It will come back to you, I promise.

Sounds easier said than done, right?

Think of all the things people do, say, wear, places they go, people they talk to, etc.......to be noticed and admired. We all want that. We all want to belong, to be liked.

Show people you notice them. Smile at everyone you pass. Make eye contact with those that smile back at you. When you're standing around waiting for something next to someone, notice something good about them. Compliment them on it. Follow up with a question about it.

This shows respect, admiration, and interest. It makes people feel good. You will make someone's day. It will feel really good to you, inside. Keep doing this.

When you are near others who are conversing, don't feel you have to contribute something witty or cool. You don't have to impress anyone. Just compliment someone on something they said (how insightful, how clever, you know a lot about this) and ask them something. Show interest in the conversation. Show empathy for other people. (wow! that must have been difficult for you/ wow! that had to feel really great).

Who cares about what you look like. There's always someone prettier, and lots that are not as pretty. Don't allow yourself to base your worth on your looks. That's shallow. You have so many other redeeming qualities than you know.

Are you loyal? Are you considerate? Are you reliable? Are you intelligent? Are you good at things? Are you compassionate? Do you listen well? Do you respect people? Do you care about thier feelings? Do you have a talent? Are you creative? Are you kind and generous? Are you vivacious? Do you share and play well with others? Are you thoughtful and helpful?

When you share your personality with others, they will realize your redeeming qualities, and you will start to also. You will feel more welcome and popular when other people feel good about themselves around you. Sometimes you have to fake the admiration, or look hard for something good about them at first, but your effort breaks the ice and starts the rapport building.

Rapport building puts others at ease, and it motivates them to talk to you. It inspires them to feel good and to trust you. Dale Carnegie writes books about rapport buildig. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is a good one.

Quit worrying about how you fit in, what others think of you, and is you look good or not. Quit focusing on yourself. Turn that focus outward onto others. Trust me, this works and it feels really good.

Another way to feel good and realize your redeeming qualities, is to volunteer your time and effort to those in need. Women's shelters, community centers, recycling centers, big brothers and sisters, and other charitable organizations, can be a great way to spend a couple hours on a weekend. Shallow people don't care about that stuff. Shallow people only value extrinsic rewards (what's in it for me). People with depth value intrinsic rewards (because it feels good because it helps someone, and is the right thing to do).

Accomplishing goals, practicing skills and talents, and acheiviements build self-esteem. Self-esteem makes you stronger and more tolerant of the nastiness of others. get out of your comfort zone and affect the world, don't let it affect you.

Answer 2

My friend signed my yearbook last year "DIE...p.s. really". Friends say things all the times that they dont mean, and if she meant it as constructive contricism then ask her how you to be less shallow, i am sure that she will knows you better then any of us on yahoo answers =).

Based on what i have read, you do seem a little self conscious, which sometimes can be unhealthy. I don't think you need to seek outside help. I believe in the perfectablity of humans.

Just remember that looks arn't that important. Even if you arn't a 10, neither are the other 8 out of the average 10 people. Thats why its called a 10. Besides alot of those beautiful bimbos know a thing, or have a personality at all.

Good looks will get someone's attention but it will still take a good personality to keep it.

Answer 3

It could be that your "friend" didn't get her way about something so she tells you that you are shallow. Don't take it to heart, unless you do a personal inventory (be honest!) and find that you are indeed shallow.

Sounds like perhaps you might have trouble "fitting-in"? Take a look at the group you're hanging with. Maybe, deep down inside, you don't really want to be like they are. That will make it difficult on the surface to be what they are and do what they do.

Maybe a different group with people you have more in common with would be the thing to do. And remember, you can't please everyone. It's what's on the inside that matters, not whether one is "fat" or "skinny". Sounds to me like you are a beautiful person.

Be yourself in a group that you feel comfrtable with and don't try to please people by acting like something you're not. You're a beautiful person!

Answer 4

Honey,seriously I'm not being sarcastic,and I'm not trying to put you down or be rude.It would do you really good to go to a therapist or Psychiatrist.You sound depressed to me.I take meds for depression,and I'm not ashamed to tell anyone that would ask.Depression is not something you ask for,it is a real disease just like cancer or diabetes.Allot of people think people will think they're "crazy" if they're diagnosed with depression.I think people who know something is wrong,but won't go get checked out are the ones that are crazy.Don't try to fit what everyone wants you to be or you will end up nuts.I'm not sure why your friend told you that.If she said it to you in a caring way,like honey,we have to talk.I've noticed something about you that's changed.But her choice of words could have been better.If she said it to you in anger,you need to tell her,you don't appreciate character assassination.Cause if she wants to play that,you got a few things to point out about her.Maybe her "FRIENDSHIP" isn't something you need.But what you said is contradictory.You said at first that you're vain,then at the last you said you feel fat and ugly. That's why you should talk to someone.You owe that to yourself,you will be suprised at how much better you'll feel.And when people say things like your friend said,you won't dwell on it.Your self esteem will go up,and maybe for the first time,you'll know who you really are.Take care sweetie don't be so crictical on yourself,and God bless you.

P.S.You have allot of excellent ideas from people,I just read the answers.And almost all is very positive,and wonderful things to try.IF,you try these things,and you still don't feel your self worth,and you can't shut your brain off from constant worry.Then don't try to fake it for everyone else,go to a dr.Someone said to always put others first.Let me give you something to think about.You can't honestly give to others what you can't give to yourself.If you can't love and like yourself,then how are you going to give that to others?And no,don't always put others first,because there are people out in this world that will suck you dry and toss you aside.So you need to be very careful when,who,and if you want to give of yourself to others.And if you don't feel like it,then don't.Take care of YOU first and foremost.And don't let anyone tell you that your selfish,just because you're not doing what THEY want you to do.

Answer 5

i don't comprehend how old you're , yet my 20 365 days old daughter and an older sister of mine the two had freckles ALOT. that they had them fade as they have been given older and look to have lost alot of them. IF the freckles are what you dislike you may attempt a fade creme in case you do not prefer to anticipate them to "disappear" as you age. They DO as I definitely have considered with the two people I definitely have pronounced. it extremely is confusing to remember my daughter had them before. in case you utilize make up on the advantageous factors you like and observe maximum they are able to distract and do away with from them besides. i could attempt that and spot if that makes a distinction. submit to in concepts additionally , that what we are in many cases self unsleeping approximately won't be ANY project or observe to somebody else. elegance is in the attention of the beholder, do not check out your self on the exterior yet be the suited you may on the interior to others and spot how that makes you be considered in an entire diverse way first of all now in this.

Answer 6

a shallow, self centered person has a high self esteem..they think they're better than anyone and you sound like if you suffer from low self esteem...I think you should do things that would get a good response like help an old lady cross the street or open the door for someone a "thank you" always make my day...

Answer 7

It sounds like you need a little self-confidence. try doing something that only helps other people. Like tutoring younger students, or helping @ a food shelter, or volunteering @ a church. Once you start feeling better about who you are, you fell feel comfortable with yourself & others will get to see the sweet person you really are! Good Luck!! :)

Answer 8

Being shallow is being self involved.

Some of your issues are forcing you to be shallow. To be a better person you will need to accept yourself as you are and be more compassionate and understanding with others.

Start with us Americans, try to understand us please.

Good luck.......

Answer 9

You sound pretty normal and by what you wrote I don,t see anything shallow so what are you not telling us about yourself for your friends to say that you are shallow?

Answer 10

You need to make peace with your self and except who you are, only then will people start to except you. When you become confident it will show and people will be drawn to you more. That doesn't mean that yu do not try to be better, by all means do. Try to listen more to people around you. Try to creack out of you shell.