My daughter's boyfriend has gotten together with us, only 4 or 5 times in the past 2 and 1/2 years.?

Question

She's been going steady with him for 2 1/2 years.
He seldom comes into our house.
Always spend holidays with his family. I'm having trouble with that.
Meets with us mostly to get his car fixed at our car dealership. (no charge for him).
She always celebrated his birthday...but he wasn't there for hers a week ago. He was too busy. Just wished her a Happy Birthday. The only gift he ever got her ,was two xmas ornaments. Don't laugh. She spends more money on him.
He is pleasant and cordial/nice to us when we do see him, and he is not abusive at all to her. Thats good.
He's 31 and she's 23.
How should I handle this with grace and understanding??

P.S. We all treat him like family. I've made him a few meals and nice as he is to me. He does earn a fairly decent living but lives in a basement!

Answer 1

I truly sympathise with you as I am going through something similar myself.
I am just wondering how much your daughter's boyfriend cares
about the relationship. He dosn't appear to be putting much effort into it.
A good relationship is 100/100, not 50/50 or 70/50. Both parties should "give" of each other. I don't mean, they have to be "perfect relationships" as no one or no relationship is perfect but in order for it to work well, both need to be fully committed to each other.

Do you invite him to your place and does he say "no" or make "excuses?"
What does your daughter think? Does it bother her?
I suppose if it DOES bother her, then she needs to assess wether she wants to be in this relationship.

It's a tricky one, but he does sound a little selfish or, maybe, you and your family are just allowing him to get away with it.

I know we have great expectations on people and relationships, but sometimes they just don't measure up.

Personally, if I were your daughter, this would break my heart dearly. I would not want to be with a person who didn't fully commit or give of themself in anyway. I would hate to be the "giver" all the time and he does sound as though he is just the "taker".

Perhaps you could speak to your daughter about your feelings if she dosn't already know, or, if you are brave enough, you could just make small talk with the young guy, and say something,
like, "We are having a family celebration on Saturday night and I would really love it if you could come. What's your favourite dish? What's something that you like?"
My sister and her husband are going to be there and they would really love to meet you". Say something encouraging like this just to get a feel of his reply.

I guess, at the end of the day, as heartbreaking as it may seem, if your daughter is happy, then that's all that matters but you could let her know how you are feeling too.
Best of Luck!!

Answer 2

verbal substitute, seek for suggestion from from him better, and more and more. Have an open heart, and inspire his heart to be open besides with the affection that you percentage. ^_^ a million) You did not say how old you're yet he's 22 years old, that's amazingly youthful, enable him mature into his position as a father, supply it time, convey it up each and every so regularly. 2) Is it so undesirable no longer to have better babies once you've one yet another? Who knows, possibly he will substitute his concepts quicker or later, possibly quicker, possibly later, possibly by no skill. you've one suited daughter already to spotlight. 3) once back, he's amazingly youthful, i myself basically those days determined on a occupation route after replacing my important a number of cases. enable him discover his way, help him, inspire him. with slightly of success he will do a similar for you. :) Being chuffed is a ultimate purpose, imagine what percentage each and every man or woman is depressing contained in the international tense about each and every little aspect, and stressing a lot their hair falls out!! he will completely discover his way including your loving encouragement. you've had a newborn with him and he's a unprecedented dad, you want him, and he loves you dearly... that would favor to be much better than sufficient to adhere jointly, and artwork through issues with open hearts and open minds. do not supply up after all you've executed jointly.

Answer 3

You haven't given enough information here. Does he have very little money and must work a lot? Does that explain why he doesn't buy her gifts and couldn't be there at special times? That could also explain why he doesn't see your family very much. If he has very little money and is older than your daughter, and your family owns a car dealership, he may be ashamed and think that your family would think he is not good enough for your daughter.

Try to make him feel as welcomed as possible.

Answer 4

The age difference would be a major red flag for me. Why can't he find someone closer to his own age?

Perhaps that is why he doesn't come around very often. He thinks that you will be able to see right through him. And, obviously you do.

The issue here is your daughter. She has to see what you see on her own. If you try to point it out to her all that does is strain your relationship with her. He becomes her ally and that cements their relationship even more.

I suspect that she will figure this out sooner or later. Just keep a watchful eye on him as you have been.

You are already handling the situation with grace and understanding!

Answer 5

At her age there is nothing you can do.Hopefully,She will see for her -self before too much longer.Be there to pick up the pieces when she does get her heart broken.

Answer 6

Screw grace and understanding. They guy has found a load of suckers to mooch off of. He is a leech and you need to get your daughter to send him packing.

Answer 7

first talk to your daughter about our prob and then explain to her very carefully why you don't like her bf that much coz in some circumstance she might not understand your reason why you don't like him, but be sure that you speak to her calmly coz she might think that you're just being so over protected, then after that try to talk to him to tell everything you just told us.

Answer 8

You are digging into her life too much. He sounds like a self centered asshole, but it's her mistake and she will only learn from it if she feels the consequences........

Answer 9

I know its hard, but she is 23. Maybe you should let her live her life.

Answer 10

no offense oranythin.. buthes with her cuz of her "physique" and he wants that