How can you not hold a grudge against your mother?

Question

My Mom has always set me aside, nothing I have ever done is good enough for her. I don't want to hold a grudge against her, it hurts me to do so.

Answer 1

I found that there came a time in early adulthood when I began to know (not just in my head, but in my heart) that my parents are just people. People who were, most likely, doing the best they could with the tools they were given. And they were given a lot less of those than I was. The ability, the very right to question, to explore, to know and improve myself, to choose who I want to be... I think many of us Westerners take these things for granted now. But my parents did not have that growing up. There were many more Shoulds than there were Coulds for them... Do you know what I mean? Perhaps it was reaching an age at which I might realistically have children of my own, and realising how young I am at the same time. how many things I don;t know. How many issues I still have that might cause me to mess those potential kids up completely. Perhaps it was being able to see my own faults and shortcomings more clearly and being able to forgive myself for them while trying to work on them. it was probably a combination of all these things that enabled me to let go of my own grudges and love and respect my parents just as they are. Of course, my father can still annoy the **** out of me, but now it is more of a passing irritation than a kick to the stomach like it used to be.

Hm, I might not be making any sense to you. I agree - holding a grudge against your mother will hurt YOU. Maybe by trying to know and understand her as a woman, not a mother, by looking at where she came from and why she might be the way she is, you can begin to forgive and accept her. And during this process you might also try to understand what this aspect of her motherhood has done to you, what ideas/beliefs you might have inadvertantly incorporated into your self-image and self-esteem as a result of her behaviour. e.g. perhaps you feel generaly lacking or unworthy, perhaps you have 'doormat syndrome' always trying to please others to make them love you. If you can manage to weed out such possible consequences and see them as part of your mother's message to you rather than part of your being, you will have a much easier time of trying to change them. And when you feel good about yourself it is much easier to forgive those who would try to make you feel less so.

Answer 2

You will be an adult, for a lot more years than you are a child under your mother's care. You need to be concerning yourself with what things you CAN do, and not the things that she won't allow you to do because of her personality. You have your own personality, and it obviously isn't the same as hers. That's completely possible, since you have some of your father's traits in you too, just as her personality is the sum of her experiences. What would holding a grudge serve? Would it get you out of your situation? It would probably make it much worse.
Say the serenity prayer, and go on about the business of making yourself the best person that YOU can be. Others have done it, and you can too.

The Serenity Prayer:
Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Answer 3

If you like being miserable go ahead and continue holding the grudge. Your grudge isn't hurting your mother and she was right to get pissed at you. At 18 you were an ADULT and should have had enough common sense to know that jerking off with your "online gf" wasn't something to do where your parents could "catch you in the act". It's not your mother's fault that you had no common sense.

Answer 4

You don't have to hold a grudge,... there's nothing productive in that. I think we all feel this way sometimes... parents aren't perfect. Have you asked her why she's like this? Sometimes the reason isn't as obvious as what you think. If she's not approachable about it, then just take her criticism with a grain of salt and learn to understand that the only person you need to be good enough for is yourself.

Answer 5

Not everyone is so fortunate as to get a mother's love as s/he desires. Every person has a different way of loving his her child. So, dont hold a grudge as ur mom also loves u as much as any other mom in this world. Heaven lies beneath Mother's feet. Feel good u have a mom. What if she dint exist?

Answer 6

Remember this, when you hold a grudge against anyone, most times they have no idea that you feel that way and it does'nt affect them in any way, but it could cause you to miss out on a lot of good things in life.
While they go on to live full, happy lives, you dwindle away in the ditch you, yourself have dug.
The best revenge is a good, prosperous life.

Answer 7

Kids sometimes say this and I always felt that nothing I did was ever good enough for my dad. However, after having kids myself, I find that in my encouragement to get them to always strive for more, for better, never settle for less...it sometimes comes across as "what you have accomplished is not good enough" I have to remind myself that sometimes it's better just to let them be. I would not hold a grudge...it takes too much energy. If she is truly a critical person, I would pity her.

Answer 8

Above all your mom does love you. What do you think about yourself? Have you done the best you can do? Don't hold a grudge, your better than that! Have faith in yourself and do the best job you can. Good Luck in your future!

Answer 9

You just need to accept that your Mother is the way she is. I'm not condoning it, but telling you that the sooner you realize it, the sooner you can go on about living your life. Don't waste time with negative energy. Set your sights on doing things that make you feel good about yourself. The problem lies with your Mom and NOT you!

Answer 10

Forgive her, she's gone to be the way that she is. You should tell her and see what she says and her response. To not hold a grudge is to really not even think about it.Talk about it to someone and not be mad about how your mother is