What do you do when you are a step parent and the real parents don't do any discipline at all?

Question

My husband has custody and I am with his kids all the time. He gives into them all the time out of fear they will hate him. I told him that he has to give them some tough love every once in a while. Their Mother buys their love and can't afford too. Anything her kids want she buys them. Yet when they get home from the store she doesn't spend quality time with them. I am the only one that spends quality time with them AND disciplines them and it is taking a tole on me. They are becoming brats. They don't want to do their school work and they are getting bad grades. Their Dad is upset about that and then it always on his mind and he is never "in the mood". Is this normal? Do other people have this problem?

Answer 1

This is so close to home I had to check and make sure I wasn't asking the question!! I am not a step parent, but am living with a man who has two children still at home. Very similar situation except "mom" has the kids most of the time. It's sad that those kids only have her as an example because she gives all us other moms a really bad name!!
Anyway, it is normal and yes, other people do have the same problem. My suggestion, if you want it, is to sit down with your husband and have a long discussion about discipline, the consequences of the lack of discipline, and set some rules that you, him, and the kids will live by. If he doesn't follow through, point it out to him, not in front of the kids though! How old are the kids? Remind dad that every time he gives in to the kids, he's reinforcing behavior he doesn't like in them. What are they learning from his behavior? Would he be proud to have his kids grow up to be just like he is now?
Good luck and hang in there.

Answer 2

I don't have that problem (no brats yet) but knowing how I was as a child I think that you have it tough, as you are the person in the middle, and will never win. From what you have said it seems to me that it is their mother who is causing the problems by buying them everything that they want. I personally feel that your husband needs to tell her, as they will expect the same from you and their dad. However when you say no, it is you who is the bad guy out this. Your not really in a great situation. I would try to be strong and make sure that I had the support of my partner, if you are united together they are less likely to try it on as much.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

Most step-parents do unless they got it straight from the beginning. It is time to have a serious talk with the hubby as it looks like the best answer is what the first wife had to do D-I-V-O-R-C-E. He wants to skate without any responsibility for anyone or anything. I would not be surprised to find he visits porn sites and gets self sexual relief as with this immaturity and stress he places on you and himself, he gets his release somewhere. NO question about that. Confront him and force a discussion now or get out. Only two options available. You can still do the discipline if it works out (After Discussion) as long as he backs you up. The only way any relationship (two lovers: Husband and wife: parents and children: etc) will ever work is with discipline and communication. Hope this helps - but now it is time for action.

Answer 4

I've watched this kind of situation happen before. I wasn't a parent but, I was one of the childern watching my step sister not get disciplined for anything she had done. Things went from bad to worse my parents would fight all the time about this, about how she would lie and not get into any trouble for it. He thinks his kids are angels and it isnt the case, they need to be shown guidance. Bad grades can lead to a bad future if you ask me, and you dont want to get to the point where it's to late and your always arguing with your husband. It really does not do the kids any good if you guys are fighting over them all the time, and if you always look like the bad person when really all you want is the best for them. Explain to your husband how much this could be hurting his kids, how much they need his guidance as well as his love.

Answer 5

Speaking as the child of divorced parents, my mum went on to re-marry and I resented her new husband. The more he tried to discipline me, the more I would fight back. I must admit there's a lot more history involved than I'm willing to let on, but if I'm honest I detest the guy and wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire.

As you are the one looking after the children all the time you should definately be the one to set the rules as they are in your care.

I would suggest talking to both their real parents, discussing what kind of discipline and punishment you had in mind then all agree to stick to it. That way you won't have the children playing each adult off on one another so they end up getting their own way.

From experience I know the worst thing you could do is to come down on them like a ton of bricks because they will resent you, go snivelling to their parents and then you'll look like the bad guy.

The key to get the balance right would be to include everyone and jointly decide on what should be done and most importantly STICK TO IT!

Everything else should then fall into place.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

I wasted ten years of my life in an identical situation. My entire life revolved around him and his kids. I got attatched to them and was the only good influence that they had, so I just kept being there for them . One day I finally realized no matter what I did , it was not really doing me or them any good because their lousy real parents would over ride everything . when the oldest boy got suspended, they went out and bought him a new wardrobe. They would actually reward the kids for bad behavior.! So, trust me it is all about them and nothing about you, and it never will be anything about you as long as you remain.Don,t waste anymore time in this relationship! You are a caring and giving person and you deserve to have a relationship that is a two way street!

Answer 7

I can sympathize to a point... my husband's two children are with us on a limited basis. Their mother is not very attentive, buys their love and plays favorites over our son versus our daughter who's kinda left out in the cold. When the kids are with us, both their father and I work together to establish rules and consequences. The kids hate this since they don't have either one with Mom.

I'm not sure what the viable solution is to your problem short of having a heart to heart with your husband and trying to get him to understand how his actions are detrimental to his children's emotional and mental well being. Family counseling may also be in order. Unfortunately you can't do anything about the kids' mother (trust me on that one!) so all you can do is provide rules and consequences for your house and hope hubby steps up to the plate.

Good luck!

Answer 8

This is what you get in a blended family, and I sympathize with you as I am in the same situation. For years I have been telling my wife she needs to put her foot down, now its to late, the kids are 15 and 17 and rule the roost.

Your options (after many serious discussions haven't worked) are simple. Stay and put up with the crap, or pack a suitcase. Either way, you know the natural parent is going to come down on the side of the kids when it comes to push or shove.

Answer 9

I am a step mom but of older kids. My husband was the same -his girls both had cars which we maintained and paid for while my kids had to make to with a beater-which my husband also maintained -but it was a beater. It takes a lot of open communication to work out these differences and we have done it but it wasn't easy. It is normal for you to have different views on child-rearing but the two of you have to get together and present a united front that is acceptable to you both. I can relate very well to your problem.LOL.

Answer 10

Discipline children is hard especially if there are not yours. You must put your foot down because your step children think they can get away with anything. Talk to your husband in calm but firm voice tell him that he needs to discipline he kids or you are going to start being more strict. Talk to children's mother and tell her your concerns about kids behavior. Children need boundaries and you as adult must set them.