My husband and I are trying to work through an affair he had last year.He has just announced that he is choosing to go overseas for 7 months-Afghanistan .He did not discuss this with me-just announced that he was going.Nothing really has changed in our relationship and the trust has definitely not been renewed.It is hard to give up on someone you once loved but I feel he is trying to tell me something!He has an anger problem and has a hard time with our three children.Life is fine as long as there are no 'hiccups'.Unfortunately(or fortunately!)family life is not like that.I know my husband feels like a failure.He thinks this tour will help him.I don't know if there is enough to hold onto after all that has happened.Any advice?
2006-10-14 01:41:41 · 18 answers · asked by Rosie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It may be what the marriage needs right now. It will be like a mini separation to see if saving the marriage is what you both really want. Before he is to come home though, he needs to address his anger problem and deal with it. Kids don't need a dad who flys off the handle in their life. They need a loving and caring dad that they feel they can talk to.
2006-10-14 07:21:17 · answer #1 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It looks like he is as confused as you are. Clearly the affair will have caused a lot of bitterness between you and as you say you are trying to work through that. Without trust any relationship is dead in the water.
One key issue is why he felt he needed to have an affair in the first place? Was it a casual fling or something more long lasting? It might be a sign that you had relationship issues prior to the affair. If, as you say, you have three kids how much time do/did you and your husband have to be alone and love each other? Life in a family can so easily descend into a self sacrificing one where you give up everything for your children leaving nothing to hold your relationship together. You both should make some "us" time to talk and heal if that's what you really want. If you can have a great life and be happy your kids will learn by example and follow suit.
If the relationship can't be mended and you really can't stand each other then separation and divorce my be your only option. Don't stay in a broken relationship for the sake of the kids as they only get caught in the cross-fire.
Hugs from me and best of luck....... xxx
2006-10-14 09:29:54 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you have lost all communication and you are probably right about him feeling a failure. Maybe his only solution is to walk away for a while and give him self time to work it all out. Once lines of communication have been broken, it is very difficult to work through problems.
Have you tried writing to him? Sometimes this is a good way of communicating. He can read it in his own time, without you being there and having to give an immediate response or reaction and he can read it over and over again, to understand what you are saying to him.
Only you can know if there is enough to hold onto in your relationship. Often we deny our true feelings because they are too hard to accept, but we already know the answer in our heart of hearts. If you are holding on for the childrens' sake, then dont. Children pick up on everything and the damage done living in a tense atmosphere is probably worse than if they are made to understand the situation and can make sense of it and accept the break up.
2006-10-15 06:38:11 · answer #3 · answered by soopercooper 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Raise your children, stay home and pray and let time take it's course. Perhaps he will come home a changed man. If he never comes back to you, then go on with your life. It's never a good thing to rush feelings, as they are not made on a time frame. If you are not in love with him, then let him go. IF you are, then wait it out, what else is there to do. Put love on the back burner and just enjoy family for 1 full year. You will be amazed how much you change and may care less about how much he will change. Take a chance on this, after all, you have to live with this decision for the rest of your life, which could be a very long time.
2006-10-14 08:46:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him to stop believing the Politically motivated scare tactics. It's bullshit. If I was America and if i was your husband, i would stop avoiding the domestic issues and actually show some presence of mind and concern in the affairs of the family. Going to fight a war he's been misinformed about is just misguiding his rage instead of facing it and sorting out the real issues. The regret of hurting you and the inner frustration at not having an easy solution. Marriage Counselling is the only way, if you both want to sort it out.
2006-10-14 09:37:26 · answer #5 · answered by bavwill 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out of the relationship now love - it WONT get any better. If after all this time there are still communication problems and no trust then there never will be. Your husband obviously isnt happy and your children obviously cannot be themselves because of his anger problem. Maybe the time away will help him and maybe onece he's gone it may help yu to realise you can do it without him. Only you can decide but I really think you and your children deserve better. Its nothing to do with failure - sadly sometimes marraiges just dont work out.
2006-10-14 09:07:14 · answer #6 · answered by starlet108 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes the efforts of TWO people in a marriage to make it work.
Since your husband has chosen to be disloyal, and then cease to even consult with you about things to do with YOUR marriage with him, I think the writing is on the wall.
It should be YOUR decision, based on what you know to be true; and though it may be difficult, I think if you're honest with yourself; you will have to acknowledge that it's over.
I am wishing you all the very best, and may you have the strength to move on.
2006-10-14 09:01:08 · answer #7 · answered by Bluebells21 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a lost cause but, like you say, with kids in tow, it isn't that easy! Have you thought of marriage counselling? He may have a bit too much pride but him 'choosing' (aka running away) will not help. It sounds like you want to give it a try but he may be the brick wall stopping you. I think you should take those months he is away to take stock of what you have and enjoy the time with your kids. You both have time here to reflect and think about what you really want. x
2006-10-14 11:47:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Believe it or not prayers changes things, everything is for a reason, let him go...maybe he might truly find himself, and realize that he has taken his you all for granted... his leaving could be a blessing in disguise, have no fear look after yourself, and your children...sometimes when you love something enough, let it go, if it comes back to you, the love was always there, but needed space in order to grow...i believe this is something he needs to do...but good luck to you, and your children.
2006-10-14 08:58:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
relationship is a hardwork, it is not only good when all of you are happy, you have to face the obstacles. try talking to him what his plan and what hi sfeelings for you, do you still love each other? what is the most important to both of you? if you love each other, you both will agree and understand the problem. let him go to afghanistan. and you don't focus on what he is doing there, try to focus on children or get a hobby. goodluck!
2006-10-14 09:00:17 · answer #10 · answered by sure_whatever_29 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋