Heres the thing..my boyfriend has this thing about honesty. We broke up in the past because I kept something from him that I knew would upset him and when he found out he couldn't even look at me... But we got back together later anyway and I promised to always be honest no matter what. So i took it quite seriously. I've just started uni and I've made alot of male friends and he keeps asking me if I find them attractive or more attractive than him. So i said 'they are good looking people but I am not attracted to them' which is the truth. So he got really sad saying how i didnt care about him and that i must think he's ugly or something. now he keeps questionng me all the time about ex boyfriends and people i know and if i think they are better looking than him. He has such low self esteem right now and it's obviously my fault cos' I don't think my bf is extremely good looking really. I could have lied but I learned that lying got me nowhere in the past. What do i do cos' i love him??
2006-10-13 22:04:57 · 27 answers · asked by toyotagirl 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
yeah thats what I said... I told him that all people have attractive elements about them. and with my boyfriend I like everything about him on he inside and I do find him cute... i always tell him that but it's just that I can't really lust after him. and he wants me to say he's the most handsom man alive... but its just not true so i cant say that!
2006-10-13 22:13:04 · update #1
He doesnt have to be the most handsome guy alive but i think that fact is more telling in how you feel about him. In my experience, if you love someone, they are "attractive" to you, doesnt matter what they are to anyone else. Also you dont lust after him. I think your feelings are confused, you probably care a lot about him but doesnt sound like you care for him as you should a boyfriend. His insecurities might be coz he senses that from you!
2006-10-13 23:46:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since when is it your fault for any of this? Why are you being made to be the fall guy for his fragile ego? Why is this all about him? His sadness, his feelings? And making you feel guilty! What a lot of nerve!
This guy that you "love" so much needs to jump start his low self esteem and get a grip on his life pronto! Until he does, no matter what you do or say he is going to wallow in his own self pity and blame you for his ill conceived sadness. Since he has this big thing about honesty he can start by being honest with himself and stop using you as his emotional crutch. It's very unfair to you to be put between the rock and a hard place. You did nothing wrong and it still wasn't right for him! You're moving on with your life as you should. The last thing you need is to be codling a love sick lost puppy. This ain't high school any longer. If you love him so much it's time to give him a tough love kick in the behind and tell him to grow up. You both are suffocating each other.You should just back off from him so you both have room to grow and so you can live your own lives.
2006-10-13 23:10:05 · answer #2 · answered by quantumview 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your boyfriend have something going that isn't just an agreement to be honest.
He has the whole thing about worrying about who looks like what and what he looks like, and you have some kind of thing that makes you say you can't "lust after him" even if you think he's cute. (There's something wrong with your relationship - at least two things: His constant apparent neediness and your not really finding him "lust-worthy".) You also seem to have the thing that makes it look like because he made a big deal about being honest all the time you're going to carry it to the extreme and maybe give him a taste of what such an "obsession" with honesty may really bring (in other words, "Ok, Fred, you wanted honest; so I'm not going to tell you you're the best looking person.")
I think you should tell him this business about worrying about who looks like what is something that has to stop because there will always be someone who is better looking than we are and always be someone who is worse looking than we are. There's no point spinning wheels over it. You should tell him this is not what you want your relationship to be about. You should just say, "If I didn't find you attractive I wouldn't be with you; I'd be with someone else. That's all I have to say about your looks."
It sounds to me like the two of you may both be a little passive aggressive. Maybe the two of you could talk about whether or not that's what you're doing to each other and why.
2006-10-13 22:27:46 · answer #3 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Two things
(1) what you said at the end is what you need to keep telling him - that's the nub of it. Also, keep telling him about the things that you do find attractive about him. Those things are real. Big him up.
(2) don't carry the weight of his low self esteem on your shoulders. He needs to sort that out, and I recommend (from personal experience) a combination of antidepressants and therapy. There will be a combo of those that works for him; it's different for everyone so he may have to try different things.
Low self esteem is linked to depression and depression is an illness, not merely a circumstance. You wouldn't blame yourself if he had malaria, would you? But you would support him and you would also get annoyed with him if he didn't go quickly to the doctor.
you're a good person, so all success to you, i hope it works out well.
2006-10-13 22:15:35 · answer #4 · answered by wild_eep 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It looks like your bf can't accept some truths. There is nothing wrong with what you said to him, about good looking guys.
Maybe he's just asking for an attention, you know for you to pamper him and all those sweet stuffs.
But I have to say that you are seeing a possible root of more arguments in the future if he continues to act this way. I do not want to tell you to thinking of leaving him, but if you have tried to talk to him and made him feel that the relationship he has with you is secured and cherrished and he still act this way...there could be no other way than leaving him.
2006-10-13 22:16:21 · answer #5 · answered by firedragon_luver 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't be totally responsible for his happiness. You can add to it, but you can not be the sole reason for him being happy. He has to find that himself and you can share your life with each other. All you can do is be honest but let him know that you love him. If he has such low esteem there is not much you can do but let him know that it's him that you're with so therefore he should be happy.
He will have to work out his issues & he can do it with your help but it's far too much pressure for you to keep walking on these eggshells wondering how he will take things. Be straight forward & honest because otherwise he will eventually turn you off more and more. It's nice to be needed but his esteem problem will just bring you down the more it goes on.
2006-10-13 22:13:38 · answer #6 · answered by punkvixen 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell the truth. If you can't base a relationship on honesty its not worth having. Lies just build up and build up. If you can't respect someone enough to tell the truth, you don't respect them enough to be with them.
If your b'f is feeling down, couldn't you do something to cheers him up? Send him somthing in the post from uni telling him how much you love him, a picture of the both of you, a letter. Take him on a suprise day out! Girls like treats like flowers and chocs but somtimes guys need a little something too!
2006-10-13 22:11:38 · answer #7 · answered by Jenni B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats really hard, my boyfriend often feels inferior to people and i spend a lot of time reassuring him. But at the end of the day, you go home to your boyfriend, obviously not all the time as your at uni, but you love him and not the guys at uni.
If you love him, I think you just have to keep reassuring him. And lets be fair, what people look like really isnt that important, you love him for the guy he is, not for what he looks like. Maybe when you see him next you could plan something really special for the 2 of you, to show him its him you love, not the guys at uni. I hope this helps x
2006-10-13 22:37:21 · answer #8 · answered by Emsie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that whatever you say to him won't be right in his eyes. You say you can't 'lust after him' - sorry but this means you don't really love him if you don't fancy him. He sounds like hard work and high maintenance and I don't think you should blame yourself for it. He has to sort things out for himself, you are not responsible for his happiness or the way he is feeling. I don't think you should lie as I am sure, as I have said, whatever you say he won't like anyway. There is no easy answer to this, but if I was in your shoes I would seriously think hard about whether I wanted to stay in such an emotionally charged relationship. I think you are in for a lot more heartache if you stay. Sorry... but good luck anyway.
2006-10-13 22:24:11 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell him that you love him. You need to explain that you have started University now and that your obviously going to meet new people/make new friends but that doesnt mean you love him any less. You need to remind him of all the good times you two have shared together and will continue to share together in the future. And finally, remind him that things have been difficult for you too lately - starting a new life, new people, new friends, pressures of university - and that you need his support.
All the very best
2006-10-13 22:14:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋