I am falling in love with my new offfice manager - what should i do?

Question

I am a 40 yr old professional buisness man who has been married for 20 yrs to a good woman and we have 3 terrific kids. I love my wife but have not been in love with her for most of our marriage.
I recently hired (3 mo.) a new office manager who is a single 30 yr old professional woman who is doing a great job. Problem is, as days go by, we seem to connect on deep level and it has got to the point where i think of her constantly. It's crazy. I fantasize about marrying her and having children and the whole nine yards. I feel ashamed of my feelings because I already have these things. She is the type of person I have often fantasized (for many years) about being with. I do not want to cheat. Will these feelings pass? I think she is having the same problem. I don't want to hurt her either.

Answer 1

I totally go along with Debra M.'s answer to you. I, too, am a wife and pray to God that my husband's feelings for me will never lead to this. A marriage deserves honesty, and you need to go to your wife, just as Debra has said, and tell her, no matter how hard it is, of your feelings. She may be hurt, angry, and upset, but if you assure her that you have NOT cheated as of yet and that is why you are going to her, your marriage may still stand a chance. Suggest to your wife that the two of you find a good marriage counselor to go to and try and work through this. This is probably just a phase you are going through. It may be a source of something you are lacking in your marriage that can be rekindled. But please, be true to your vows and be faithful. Don't let this woman cause you to break the promise you made to your wife 20 years ago. You loved your wife to make a solemn promise to her for life, now keep it. It's too easy to give up these days.

Also, find out if there is a way to transfer from your job away from this other woman. You need to get away from her. If this is not a possibility, then avoid as little of contact with her as possible and keep things strictly on a professional level.

Answer 2

I think 40 is the "age of passion". It's a combo of feeling passionate and somewhat of a midlife crisis on some level.
My opinion is that probably deep down inside you, you want to feel more connected w/your wife. Since work and kids take a lot of time and responsibility, it's IMPERATIVE to MAKE TIME with one's spouse and rebuild gradually...the lust, deeper connection, love, the whole bit.
This will take time of course, so start out small just at 1st.
Just make a date w/your wife.....get a sitter, You and your wife go out for dinner, a movie and perhaps every week do something together.
Try and spice things up a bit--use your imagination--you know what she and you like. But there's probably some untapped discoveries as well.
I don't think you and this new office manager should be working together. Period. Sometimes we come across someone we are physically attracted to, or there's some chemistry there mutually--however the more you work on yourself and your marriage, the easier any issue of such could be dealt with.
Another avenue is some sort of spirituality. Maybe investigate several religions or spiritual philosophies that suit your belief system. Being spiritual on some level will help dimenish lustful feelings.
You know something, I'm going to be quite honest and frank with you. Divorce is HELL on kids. I was a child of a divorce growing up and it was completely devastating. (Do you realize the horrible domino effect this HAS ON A CHILD GROWING UP?!?!
It's just plain horrible emotionally. They say it's more devastating than death because there's certain issues that go on for the rest of their lives.
Not to mention your wife.
The longer a marriage is, the love turns more spiritual. Lusty passionage feelings have to be worked on. You can do it.

Answer 3

Oh my please give your head a shake. You love your wife...sure you do. You either love her or you don't. This garbage about loving her but not being in love with her is just useless blithering. You are in lust with a woman who is 10 years younger than you. You are going to throw away a 20 yr marriage for someone you think is perfect for you. Why is this woman 30 and unwed is there a possibility that she is in the habit of desiring married men and as soon as they are available she is not. If I were you I would quit fantasizing about her and put some effort into your marraige and maybe your wife will once again be the woman you fantasize about. I think the only one who is going to get hurt is your wife and kids if you continue. If you get played it will be your own doing since you are going into this with both eyes open.

Answer 4

Caught between a rock and a hard place... have you been wanting out of your marriage? It's not just a case of early mid life crisis? (Don't mean to be too personal or rude). Maybe take time out...this is big decision, as you know. Change jobs?? or thought about moving interstate? I know with kids in the picture it's hard, and someone so important to you, but take a step back and think.. maybe you are meant to be with your manager, thats why the attraction is so strong.. Just make sure that it's pure and not physical before you make any big decisions, cause once it's done, theres no going back.. Your the only person that can answer this... I wish you all the best and hope that things work out... Good luck.. (hope I'm not to confusing)

Answer 5

PLEASE TAKE THIS TO HEART! I am a wife. 10 years and I worry about this happening to me. My husband loves me very much and has never cheated on me but then I think what about it 20 years. What if some hot piece of *** comes along and steals him. If your feelings are as strong as what i'm perceiving. TELL YOUR WIFE. Tell her about these feelings you're having! She needs to know and it will be a way for you to be accountable. If you really think it's wrong. Don't wait for the feelings to pass, tell your wife. That oogly googly feeling goes away with every couple after about 7 years or so. So will it with this lady. Love isn't a feeling IT'S an action. Don't ruin your 20 year marriage for your boyhood feelings. Your honesty by the way, is very refreshing, try it with your wife!

Answer 6

Let it fade, if you end up going out with her it'd cause at least 6 people to have problems. 1. your wife 2. your 3 kids, I have a lot of friends with divorced parents, they don't really turn out too well 3. Think about this woman, if you ever married her then you and your three kids would come with it, and if you didn't marry her what's the point? 4. yourself, is it worth risking your whole way of life?

Answer 7

No your feeling wont go away. You and the office manager need to have a talk. Find out if she is really falling in love with you or is it just the attention she is getting from you. Think about your wife and kids first.

Answer 8

Do you believe in the power of focus? I do. it works for me and I hope it's gonna work for you as well.
Focus on your job. Focus on your family. Focus on the future. Focus on the good things instead of fantasizing. Feed your thoughts with things that are pure, whatever that is lovely, whatever that is of good report. Anything acts of good reputation, think of these things. As a man think in his heart so is he. This is how temptation works, it started with a thought, a very attractive thought, then it enters your heart with an evil desire. The more you"ve given thought about it, the more passion you'll gonna have. So, if you won't do anything to stop your mind from fantasizing, you''ll gonna end up having affairs with her. And that will destroy your marriage and family. Before that happens, discipline your mind. Think on positive healthy thoughts .

Answer 9

Lord thunderin Jesus....if I hear ONE more person say "Oh I love my wife but I am not in love with her" I am going to puke! Really I will....right here right now....and it wont be pretty. Can someone please....please...tell me WHAT THE HELL THAT MEANS! Why not just tell the truth...okay here it is in a nut shell....I am married...have kids.....been married for 20 years....I am bored with the Same S h it different pile day after day after day. My wife that I said I would love till death do us part...well after 3 kids you know....the old Grey mare she ain't what she use to be.
I want some young heifer that I just hired...and I need someone....anyone...just ONE person to say Hell ya go for it.
Grow up...and be a man....try it you may like it.....and maybe your wife will too!

Answer 10

If most of your marriage of 20 years you have not been in love with your wife why the hell would you stay and have 3 kids with her? I think you owe your wife your life.