What does a girl mean when she says she loves you but doesn't want to be with you?

Question

Basically, the question says it all. She still loves me with her whole heart, in the same way she always has. I don't get it.

Ok, let me rephrase. Those who said she's confused are right - she loves me, in a romantic way - I know that. I had screwed up basically and didn't treat her the way she deserved because I was in a bad place myself - I had an apt w/ no roommate and no job, and was bascially sitting around by myself all day, and I was depressed. We fought about me doing the little things for her, and I'd do them for a little bit, and then stop. I screwed up. She thinks that I just won't do the little things, but normally, when I'm in a healthy situation, I do.

Also, once we talked after about a week apart and I realized what the problem was, and how I screwed up and that I know now and would fix it, we talked, and she started crying and told me she doesn't know where she is at, she is confused and overwhelmed. As we were hanging up, she said "I love you, forever." Doesn't sound like a break-up to me, I've gone through those "I love you, but am not IN love with you" before, and this isn't that.

See, a week before this happened - on a Wednesday, she was trying to figure out me coming out to visit her over the holidays, talking about the (distant) future, etc. Then, on that Friday, we had a fight, didn't really talk through it, and then she dropped this.

Rush -

You've got it right. She wasn't happy with me - she still spent every minute trying to see me/talk with me, and I didn't reciprocate. I was in a bad place myself, but now I've got a roommate and a job, so everything is on the upswing. I know what she wants/needs to be happy, and when I am in a healthy position myself, I do all those things.

Answer 1

She has either found someone else that she's interested in... Or, she is keeping her options open. She's saying she loves you, but in reality, if you love something or someone, it's almost impossible to break away from that person. You're obsessed by him or her and NEED him or her in your life. The only thing that can change that is if she wants you to be different from what you are. Has she tried to change you in anyway. Has the relationship gotten kind of dull or routine? Do you have long conversations where you laugh and share secrets, or even gossip? Does she want to see you often, or do you have to try to get in contact with her? Are you too much of a NICE GUY? She may still like you and care for you, but she is not happy WITH you. And that's not a bad thing. It only means that right now you two aren't compatible. Maybe later she'll be interested again, but just not now.

Take your mind off of her for the time being and pursue new relationships and "friends" (girls) and just stay focused on making yourself happy. That's what I would do. And if it's meant for you two to be together, it will happen, and it might be your choice next time as to whether or not you and her "hook-up".

Brother DzL (AsP)
"The Player's Lifestyle"

MORE DETAILS

I can (kind of) understand what's happening right now since you've added the additional details. I had a relationship once that was kind of the same way except my ex at the time kept trying to make it work. I was unhappy and depressed because I knew I had the capacity to do better in life, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get ahead or improve my lifestyle. It made me hate being around other people, I didn't want to go anywhere, I felt broke all the time, and I started losing interest in life. I didn't care about whether or not I lived or whatever. I started to feel like I was bad luck or surrounded by bad karma. I thought people were out to get me sometimes. My life was up and down, up and down, like a rollercoaster. I was really messed up.

I knew I had to change my lifestyle (and I'm still working on it) in order to move up, but I just couldn't make the sacrifices. I didn't have the courage or the determination. I couldn't say "no" when people asked me for money... and I couldn't say "no" to my own bad habit of throwing away money. I couldn't figure out "where it all went." For some reason, I COULDN'T SAVE FOR THE LONG TERM. This made me depressed too. I wanted to live (at least) a middle class lifestyle and have a good woman at my side that I could be able to take care of and raise a family with. I didn't want to have to think about money or having to work like a slave for peanuts. I wanted more time and freedom to spend with my family or to travel. I wanted us both to be happy. A lot of women and girls don't understand this about men: We wanna find the "right girl" (woman) and do the right thing and take care of her, and "live happily ever after", but it's a hellacious challenge (for some people) to able to live that dream.

It's something about having goals and accomplishing them that makes us feel better - that makes us more outgoing, fun, friendly, and CONFIDENT. Unfortunately, a lot of those goals have to do with money. Even a church has to have money in order to survive. So this is what you must do - because there won't be any peace or happiness in your relationship unless you are happy. You must make a decision... Do you want to stand strong, make the necessary sacrifices and move up in life... and be able to chill with the girl of your dreams? Or do you want to keep riding this rollercoaster to self-destruction? Learn to control your spending and savings. Build your money up in steps - Think of it like moving up to different levels. The more you have, the higher your level or status - or strength. $100-level one, $1000-level two, etc. Focus on it like that. Think about investing or talking to a financial planner. And as you stack that cash, build up your level of "pocket money" too - petty cash, emergency fund, entertainment fund, etc. You may have to sacrifice partying, eating out, and shopping, for a few months, but it'll also help you to control your desires and compulsive spending habits (if you have any). While you're doing this, keep looking for a job that pays more. Get an education if you have to. You don't have to be a programmer or a lawyer - you can do hair - or whatever you want! IT'S YOUR LIFE. The next thing you need to do is discover your priorities. Get all of the junk and distractions out of your life. Keep it simple - or at least, simplify as much as possible without losing your identity. DON'T BECOME A HERMIT! Just try to be in control of your life, and don't let your "stuff" control your life. Make sure you continue to visit with people and make new friends. Have fun.

TRY TO STAY HAPPY, BUT BE DETERMINED TO SUCCEED. Know that growth is a slow process - and a never-ending process. It's also a lot of work.

Don't focus on what could have been or should have been, just focus on where you are now, what you need to do to succeed, and making YOURSELF happy. When you are happy, you can bring happiness into your relationship, and your girl will be happy too, and true love will be inevitable.

She loves you, but she wants to see (you have to show her) that you love yourself too.

Answer 2

Ok, I've read your whole novellette and all the postings. You sound like you were definately in a bad place during this "don't want to be with you" conversation. I can only assume that it was an extended bad period, not a week or less.
I can understand how the girl can love you forever, but not want to be with you. It sounds like she tried to be encouraging, patient and trying to be supportive during your dark period, and you braced your feet and chose to stay depressed. SHE CANNOT LOVE YOU IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF. It must have been difficult for her to see you in that state, and you can only beat a dead horse so long.Maybe she realized that her physcial presence and encouragement was not working, and thought it best for you to figure it out on your own. I don't think it's that she doesn't want to be with you period, it's that she can't be with you right now. Sometimes the best thing we can do for anyone is to walk away.You need to get emotionally healthy before you can be with anyone.

Answer 3

Well, coming from an older person. Love evolves, so yes she loves you. It is comparable to puppy love. If you met her later on in life like in your 20's and she said she loved you it would have a totally different meaning!

Answer 4

She doesn't want to hurt you, because she cares about you. BUT she is not "in love" with you in the way that she wants to be with you. Trying to change her mind is a waste of time. Let go and move on to someone else. If you want, it sounds like she's open to being "just friends".

Answer 5

I think you need to ask her for an explanation.

Say someting like:

"If it's true that you still love me, then why can't you be with me? I feel sad because I do not understand what is going on."

See, instead of asking why she does not WANT to be with you, you change the question into why she CAN not be with you.

You never know...... she might have a reason that she is too embarresed or scared about to tell you........

But she might mean to say that it is over (and does not want to hurt you).

ASK HER!!

Good luck

Answer 6

I've said that to someone in the past when i broke up with them. It was pretty much code for the fact that I wanted to date other people, I still liked him but not enough to be faithful. Also, I left it open so that later, if I wanted to, I could still date him again.

It's usually a ploy to be nice/spare you/or save you for later. She still cares for you, but not enough to be with you, which is still a break-up line.

Answer 7

She loves you like a friend or a brother kind of love but not a relationship kind of love

Answer 8

It means she probably loves you, but wants to be with some one she can feel secure with. Security is better than love. Love only leads to problems and poverty.

Answer 9

That same old song, basically she's telling you it's over. Time to move on. sorry, been there myself. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

its a soft sided let down---she might love you as a brother. or best friend. but not in a romantic way.