Is this considered cheating or should I confront my husband?

Question

My husband left his email open and I looked at his mail and noticed an email from an adult friend finder service. I wrote down his user name and password and later went on the site and looked at his profile. He had signed up for the account about 6 months ago and he profiled himself as a 'separtated' male seeking a couple of women to have a threesome with. When we first met he had told me that he had had a threesome once with two bisexual women. I figured that it was in the past so I never made an issue of it. In his profile description he put 'tired of being the teacher' This really hurt my feelings. His profile said he hadn't logged on since he signed up, but the fact is he still signed up. Our marriage has been rocky lately and he says he wants to work things out, and he really has been making and effort, but should I confront him about it?

So if i don't metion it to him, how do i deal with him thinking he has to 'teach' me? i may not have had as much experience as he did when we met, but i always considered our sex life to be good. When i ask him if he is satisfied with our sex life he has always said he is. For him to make that comment really hurt.

Answer 1

Wandering eye, wandering heart.
Thoughts become words, words become deeds.

While he may not have cheated yet, he has at least considered it!

Answer 2

Sweetie, take a big deep breath. Your husband may have joined up, but he hasn't been on since then. That's a real good sign. Think about it, maybe he realized after doing it, he was wrong. He knew that he couldn't go through with something like that. Look at as a positive sign. If he had been on there lately or a lot then I would be very worried.

Talk to him, I know this hurt you terribly, but I would just put in the back of my mind. Ask him what can you do to make him feel better about the marriage, what can you work on to make things better. Listen with your heart and not your mind. Then you say ok, this what I would like for you to work on.....

You praised he saying he is really making an effort, so I wouldn't blow it by asking about this. That was in the past, and you found proof that he hasn't been on there since. So drop it for now. Don't go backwards---always go forwards....Have you started a date night, spending more time together, even if it's taking a evening walk. Make what important to him important to you. He should do the same for you. We get so busy in our everyday life, that we fail to make our hardest job, our most important job the one we concentrate on. Marriage is work, it can't be neglected.
Please think about what I said, go forwards, praise him for making efforts, let him know you appreciate him....

Praying for you to find the happiest once again, and possbily a even happier one....

God bless us all..........

Answer 3

At this point in time, give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like he had some very serious second thoughts about what he was doing when he signed up and since he hadnt gone back on since, I think he was feeling guilty and didnt go thru with it. But I wouldnt destroy the computer sign on info just yet. But if he is truly trying to get your marriage to work then just put it away just in case but no way on mentioning it unless you want to destroy any chance you have of making this work. Just be real careful in a argument that this doesnt come out accidentally. When he first signed uphe was probably looking for somewhere to turn to, if you guys were starting to have problems, as most guys do but he has a good conscience and appears to really and truly love you. He then realized that you were way too important to him to lose so he decided to put all his energy in saving your marriage. Guys make stupid mistakes all the time so get used to it but this time he corrected himself and should deserve your doubt. Good luck

Answer 4

Well apparently you two have some issues that need to be worked out. He is obviously needing something that you either cannot or will not give, or maybe he is ashamed to ask for the things he needs. I wouldn't crucify him over it. But I would sit down and have a serious talk about your sex life.

The question is are you willing to go to those lengths to satisfy him sexually? Remember he cannot help what he longs for, so are you willing to help fill that void? I really hope you will come at him with a sense of wanting to achieve a better sex life than from the angle of a cheating man. I really hope you can fix this.

Answer 5

wow!! first of all you had know right to be nosy, but its to late to go back now. we both know that this is going to eat away at you until you find out. so, i think that you should tell him exactly how you came upon this information, and ask him why he did such a thing. but be aware he is not going to tell you the truth as to why he did it and he is going to make it a point that he has not logged onto the site. i suggest that you talk to him about this while you are both in a good mood so that things don't turn ugly. this is not something you will want to bring up during an argument. once he has told you why, move on, end of story. you were both in the wrong here. make sure that you tell him that you never want this to happen again. because this in the future could cause problems in your relationship. good luck!!

Answer 6

I don't think that it is cheating intell he as gone on that email but if you think that it is then your eye it is and that is what matters. It dosn't matter what others think because their not the one who have to lie in bed with this man at night know what he does. you do so if that is how you feel the you could say something about cheating to him and see what he does if he really wants to make it work then he will make you feel better about it. or get really mad and that means he may not really want to work thing out

Answer 7

Hmmmm.... if he hasn't logged on since he signed up, this would be a good sign. I don't think I would be confronting him with it, it might only stir things up and remind him about the past. Quetly change the e-mail on the account, and delete it.

Answer 8

This is cheating. Anything that leads a spouse astray from the intimate (not necessarily sexually physical) relationship with the other is cheating. You need to talk with him about this as soon as possible. Ignoring it is giving him permission to go on with it. I would have questioned his character as soon as I learned about his past aberrant behaviour - why did you choose to ignore it? It was a red flag.

Answer 9

i'd say don't confront him because if he hasn't logged on since he signed up then it was just a passing whim that caused him to do it. especially since it was 6 months ago. that may have been a time when he didn't feel like working things out or he felt more down about your relationship. now it seems his feelings have changed.

Answer 10

It is as bad as cheating because instead of coming to you with his throughts and needs he is turning to an adult friend finder. He should turn to you with what his fantasies, needs and troubles might be otherwise he isnt seeking to fix them, but rather is seeking someone else out to talk to and fill his needs. So, yeah, its cheating.

Answer 11

If he left his email open, and you saw it, you didn't do anything wrong. If you opened his email, typing in his pw and id, then you're at fault. you should confront him about this - trying to be calm as much as possible. if it was nothing, then he'll openly admit to what he did.. if he's defensive and it ends up in a huge fight, talk with him through it.