My husband is having major back surgery in just 4 days but
we haven't had sex in months. I try to be very understanding and do all that I can to keep my man happy .... strip poles, being just the givier and not reeiver...., not matter what I try all he says is that it is the meds that keep him uninterested. It is true or what? I am 35 in my sexual prime and I want him.....morning,noon and night. Is it truly the meds that he is one or what? I made a commitment to him infront of our family, friends and our God....and without sounding trampy...I want to be with my husband....all the time, and neked. WHAT DO I DO????? I am attactive..5' 10", 125 lbs., blond and blue and toned, I work out and have been told many time I look similar Michelle Phieffer.....my self esteem is nose diving! What do I do, I am so so SO confused, Can any of you help me with this one??? Please!
2006-10-13 11:31:02 · 16 answers · asked by MaHaa 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am truly not being selfish...I am always going tostand by my man...the question was about the meds. Do they really kill the sex drive of a man who was so vivacious I would have to bear him off with a stick (that's a joke)? I mean, it is gone...completely! I do not push him, not do I ask....that is why I post this to anyone who is mature enough to answer helpfully
2006-10-14 21:11:57 · update #1
This is a tough situation and you should proceed thoughtfully. On one hand you have definate needs and they should be addressed. Be careful of the urge to have an affair because that is only going to cause you more distress in the long run. Here is what I suggest...
First of the med can definately affect both desire and performance. If you have any doubts, write down what he is taking and look up the side effects on WEB MD. Additionally, if he is constant back pain that is a definate demotivator.
Secondly, he needs to understand your needs. If you have not had a serious conversation about those needs and your feelings of feeling undesirable, then that is the first step. Secondly, he should be willing to help you get satisfied by other ways even if he does have ED.
Lastly, you may want to consider some individual and/or couples counseling. there are several issues laid out here that could really develop into serious relationship damaging problems. You acknowledging your need for help is the first step. Let me know if I can help you further.
Good Luck!
2006-10-13 11:53:05 · answer #1 · answered by Lost M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes he is right!! I went thru the same thing for almost 2 years and I thought it was me and I was unattractive or even that he was having an affair. I couldnt understand how he could NEVER want sex when he wanted me all the time when we first got together 4 years ago. Well to make a long story short he has had back and neck pain which we are trying to figure out the source but his pain doctor put him on painkillers to help until they can figure out what is wrong. Anyway I figured out that the painkillers (also certain antibiotics he has been on) takes away his sex drive. And the whole time I had been desperatly trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and getting depressed thinking he just wasnt attracted to me anymore. I would suggest talking to his doctor to find out other options for medication that will still help him but wont reduce his sex drive. It has helped us alot but there are still going to be times when the pain is the actual mood killer. That cannot be helped but I hope it helps a little knowing that most likely it is the medicine doing it and not anything to do with you.
2006-10-13 11:48:23 · answer #2 · answered by katziyz 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sex is sometimes painful at first but shouldn't be after awhile, Are you two sure you are in love. marriage is work and sex is a big part of marriage. You know the old saying use it or loose it. Try initiating it with him and if that isn't working ask him point blank are you in love with me? Do you want to have sex with me? I wouldn't hold off the therapy you need it right now! Family may pressure but it is up to you two when you want kids. I realize an Indian marriage has it's values and I know you respect your elders ideas about how things should be,what about talking to your Native elder Lady's.There shouldn't be any big expectations,if in love it usually comes natural and you are not expected to know everything there is to know right away. Are you afraid to speak to your own husband about all this? If so you definitely should seek out a therapist either in or out of the tribe but in would be better if you want to stick to the native ways and cultures.
2016-05-21 23:47:03 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you're at the stage to consider a trial separation, so put that idea aside. It is true that meds can reduce your sex drive. If he was responsive to you prior to the meds, then it's likely that he desires you too, but can't respond to you just now. Surgery is a serious time. You need to put his needs first and take the back row for a while. After the surgey, and he has healed, you can resume the inimacy. If he doesn't respond, then you need to seek counseling.
2006-10-13 11:37:17 · answer #4 · answered by Arnold M 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your husband may be in alot of pain, and yes the meds can affect his labido. I suffer from chronic daily headaches, at times I am in so much pain and sex is the last thing on my mind. I am thirty and I can go a week w/o thinking oabout it. My meds affect that. It is not his fault. Comfort him, love him and let him know you will be there for him. The last thing he needs is the thought you may get it from somewhere else. Now if hes cutting grass, golfing, and doing things that dont bother his back... you may need to go somewhere else to get what you need.
2006-10-13 11:39:05 · answer #5 · answered by tbone608 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, you need some extra curicular sex. It's not such a big deal; it won't end your marriage and it will probably help keep it together. Find a friendly guy and let him know that you don't want something serious, just a fling. He will understand. I assure you. Don't blame yourself for your husband's issue(s). It's not fair to you, and you'll eventually start blaming him and that's a difficult thing to stop. Go out and have some fun. Good luck.
2006-10-13 11:35:36 · answer #6 · answered by Travbot the Observer 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He isn't joking about the pain killers...add that to the pain of a back needing surgery he is probably mildly depressed too.
Support him through the back surgery and recovery, once he is through physical therapy and off the meds my guess is he will be back to normal.
2006-10-13 11:35:03 · answer #7 · answered by OleMarbleEyes 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hello!!! major back surgery.. pain... not well.... do these key words mean anything to you?
Your husband is not up for sex... I am sure that when you made a committment to your husband in front of "family, friend's and our God" that you also vowed to stick by him in sickness and in health. It transpires that now, when your husband is sick and unable to be intimate that you become selfish and greedy.
Instead of focussing on your husbands 'duty' to satisfy you, why not have a look at your duties as a wife to help and support him.
WHAT TYPE OF WIFE ARE YOU?
2006-10-13 11:44:38 · answer #8 · answered by Just me 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Continue to support him. That is good of you to do.
Be patient a little while longer.
After the surgery and he has healed, wear something sexy, revealing but not too revealing. Men like to be teased and use their imagination some.
Hope all goes well.
PS Being faithful to him through all this speaks highly of you!
2006-10-13 11:40:55 · answer #9 · answered by TenJac 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Has he had any lab work done recently? My husband had high cholesterol & low testosterone, which = no sex...but he got his cholesterol down w/ diet & exercise & had to take testosterone injections, so all is well now! :o) Could be high blood pressure too. Don't get too down on yourself, I felt the same way...and we have just been married a year. Good Luck!
2006-10-13 11:40:13 · answer #10 · answered by suzeq19642003 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋