Relationship Trouble?

Question

My partner of nearly 3 years and I have been arguing alot lately. I think the things we argue over are small things, yet she is blowing these little molehills into HUGE mountains. I try to approach her gently, use a soft firm voice, never yell, dont curse etc. She raises her voice, yells at me, curses, and makes me feel generally like a giant turd. I have tried talking to her about this and all she does is get hostile and fight. She has turned the 'cold shoulder' on me for about 2-3 weeks now. I just dont know what to do- things werent always like this. What should I do, and how long should I beat this horse b4 its actually dead? *sigh*

ps- we live together and have been basically 'room mates' for the last six or eight months....

pps- bible thumpers need not respond- as far as YOU see it, im going to hell anyway so what difference does it make to you if im happy or not in the meantime?

Answer 1

Emotional Discipline
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Last Updated: April 15, 2003
One of the best ways to boost mental energy is to recognize a fact that at first may seem unlikely: You have the power to choose how you feel.

Feelings, we all know, are strong forces. Sometimes they even overtake us. They don't just shape our moods, they influence our very thoughts and the decisions we make.

We've been told over and over to pay attention to our feelings, they represent some honest core of ourselves. But feelings can also get us seriously off track. Sometimes they land us in considerable conflict, and create the fireworks that erupt when people disagree.

Leadership expert Charles C. Manz, Ph.D., contends that we don't have to be at the mercy of our emotions. We can in fact control them, direct them into constructive channels. He calls the ability to choose how we feel "emotional discipline".

"Feelings are a source of information and they can work for us if we learn how to monitor them and use their energy for positive means," says Manz, who is author of the book Emotional Discipline: The Power to Choose How You Feel (Berrett-Koehler). Emotions, which are a primary source of energy and motivation, are made up of several constituent parts. These include behavior, thinking, physiology, and spirituality and meaning.

All of the components of emotion can be mined for information about our emotional experience. In addition they serve as avenues for exercising emotional discipline.

Because we all have different life experiences, we are differ in the array of things that evoke our emotions. For some the threat of war is especially upsetting, for others the loss of a job. Many of us are set off by interpersonal conflict, whether with a colleague or spouse.

Emotional discipline is not a one-size-fits-all process. Rather, you can develop and customize it to your own needs. It sets up the capacity to deal with current and future challenges.

The core strategy involves taking five simple steps each time you have a significant emotional encounter.

Cause. Identify the issue or event that provokes a certain emotion. What is the cause of the feelings you are currently experiencing in the argument?

Body. Scan your body and identify the location and intensity of the physical reactions your emotions are causing. Where do you feel the physical sensation of anger? Rate the physical sensation as pleasant or unpleasant.

Mind. Identify the thoughts that accompany the feelings and the beliefs that support them. What thoughts are evoking the emotions you feel? Review the self-talk you are engaged in with yourself and the mental images that course through your mind. Perhaps you are gripped by anxiety before giving a talk. You may be thinking "I'm going to make a fool of myself; this is going to be embarrassing." The supporting belief may be something like "I'm not a good speaker."

Spirit. Determine what part of yourself is most revealed by this emotion (your fearful ego? your healthy spirit?) and what part is hidden.

Choose any of a number of strategies to work with your feelings. Here are two of the most essential and effective ones that you can access through your mind.

Mental Reframing. By changing the way you see something, it's possible to turn setbacks into opportunities for success. When you find yourself in a difficult emotional situation, focus on the opportunities in it as well as the risks. An argument, for example, provides a chance to learn something about relationships and the different ways people see things.

Emotional Kung Fu. In the ancient Chinese art of self-defense known as kung fu, the aim is to use any attacking force to your advantage. You don't fight the attacker; you redirect their energy to accomplish your goal. You send the enemy to the ground with the energy of their attack. The same approach can be applied to emotional conflicts, says Manz. Rather than resisting an emotional attack, you use its energy to word towards a solution. In emotionally charged conflicts, people do three things: forcefully state their positions, attack our ideas and attack us. We're usually tempted to push back, defend ourselves or reject their ideas. But instead you can sidestep and deflect the force of the attack to use their strength to serve your goals. You invite criticism and advice that could reveal a solution, recast the attack as an attack on the problem rather than on you, and ask questions rather than making statements.

Answer 2

The Cherokee people have a saying:
Once the horse is dead, you should dismount.

Is she flying off the handle as a stress vent? under pressure @ work? Is she feeling vulnerable (looks, weight, etc)?

My wife will often get over the top in a dispute when she is tired or feeling threatened by something. (If I have to work late, forget an important event)

Most committed relationships, (hetero or same sex) run into rocky spots in the 1st, 3rd, and 7th years. I don't really understand why, but it can be a watershed time for your relationship.

Try asking if she is wanting out of the relationship, and if so, get off the horse early, and maybe maintain a freindship. or stay on the horse till it falls on you and things get REALLY painful

Answer 3

Hey, When I Found Out I Was Expecting.. My Other Half Was Soo Excited! But Since Hes Always Finding SomeThing To Argue about.. Its Becoming Easier As Im Explaing All My Emotions And Wat Not To Him So Hes Starting To Understand How Im Feeling... Sex Is An Issue With Me.. I Lost My Sex Drive COMPLETELY! This Really Made The Other Half Think I Was Goin Off Him.. But I Wasnt I Just Cudnt Be Arsed WIth It. We Are Now In A Position Where... If I Want It We Will DO It... But Its Harder When He Wants It As I Dont Always Feel The Need For it. Wierd Aint It. x

Answer 4

Conflict or anger itself does not have to cause an irreparable rift between partners. With good communication skills and a shared commitment to a marriage, even these are surmountable. How to save your marriage https://tr.im/10tGw

However, at that point where one partner is at the brink of abandoning the relationship, how can the remaining partner save their marriage? If you are at the point where your spouse has asked for a divorce, what can you do?

You must realize first that, you do have a choice. Often, when confronted by a crisis, we find ourselves backed into a corner thinking we have no choice in the matter. How can we change the situation when it involves another person's feelings or decisions? While we cannot, must not and in no way manipulate, blackmail or threaten our partner into changing their mind, we can actually control how we react to the situation. If anything, you must realize that you still have control over yourself. You have the opportunity to look inward and take responsibility for your own feelings and actions and even have the chance to take personal inventory of what your partner is trying to tell you. Are there points in your marriage that must be changed? If so, respond appropriately and proactively.

Answer 5

I was about to tell you to sit down and listen to her for 5 minutes and in turn she do the same for you... but after you said that you are basically roommates, I think the "fire" in your relationship has fizzled. You can A} tell her everything you typed in here and hope that she won't "flip out and actually listen" hopefully it'll get better or B} realize that it's just over!!! Basically, when you stop caring(or she does) you won't need to tell her good bye, you will be gone already. Good luck

Answer 6

set time aside to air out the elephant in the room. If you don't address it, the animosity will begin to fester and what could be a mature conversation to resolve the issue (if addressed) can turn into a police officer assisted removal of one of you from the premises if you know what I mean. I don't believe in being unhappy or giving anyone an ounce of a chance to make me unhappy. If she won't take control and address it, you should. Ignoring it won't make it go away (have I hammered it in enough?)

Answer 7

if she wants to fight with you over what you say are small things and don't want to talk. then i think that you have beaten it to death already. maybe if you moved out and into a place of your own, then try working things out, that would be a start. some people just don't deal well with living with other people no matter how much they may love them. if you decide to take my advise and she still don't want to talk, then its time to move on. you need to find someone you can communicate with. and it does not appear that you can with her.

Answer 8

This ebook might help you to understand what's wrong in your relationship and It also teaches what to do to try saving your marriage http://savemarriage.toptips.org
It helped me alot!

Answer 9

I'm sorry that is tough. If you love her wait it out a little longer but if she can't reason and makes you feel bad, well then you deserve to be happy. Do what makes you happy. Good luck.

Answer 10

You are experiencing turbulence in the relationship because you should be in one with a man and not a woman. It's hard enough for male-female relationships to work, let alone a female-female relationship. Sorry, but I've got to answer according to the bible.