My brother and his wife have been married for almost 3 years. They dated about 2 months before marrying and getting pregnant. They now have two children. My brother does everything for her. He works a full time job (so that she can stay home and her mother can live with them), takes care of all the housework and takes care of the children. He takes care of the yardwork and makes sure the bills are paid and on top of all, rubs her feet on a regular basis. He has recently brought up to her that he wants to have sex as much as they did when they first met. She came back and said that she would do that if he would romance her more. He doesn't know what more he can do for her as money is tight for them as he lets her spend at will. He's also pushed to the limit for time as he does everything for her. They have talked about the division of work, but she only does a little for a few days and then goes back to doing nothing. What do I tell him? Romance her more or put his foot down?
2006-10-13 11:07:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Love, I know this must just kill you for it's your brother (1) and the jealousy is eating me alive 'cause how come I've never met anyone like this! Of course, my opinion is he must put his foot down and NOW! You and I both know that if he said, "I'm sorry I am unable to romance you the way you wish, you should take the children, your mother and most certainly find a man who can. She would probably have a coronary!!! For some reason your brother thinks he's not worth more or she has some stuff lined in Chinchilla (This is doubtful). Tell your brother he must stop giving and start expecting. 50-50 is how it's supposed to be. He is being shorted and deserves more. He should definitely call her bluff. He WILL WIN!!!!! I don't know what but he does have two children which I am quite sure he adores since he sounds like a GREAT person. I think you're a caring sis and I see that all this must run in the family. God bless you all! Kick the trash to the curb.
2006-10-13 11:27:14 · answer #1 · answered by kelly m 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Hard to watch someone you love in a relationship you can't understand.
(On her behalf, if he works full time, who takes care of the kids during the day? Maybe she needs her feet rubbed).
Here's the thing - the only things that will work will only work if the two parties involved are both equally invested in working things out. If she wants romance, he has to have the energy. Maybe they can make a deal - go back to that "division of labor" thing, figure out something fair for both of them, with the understanding that once every other week, if they've done everything they're both supposed to, they can reward themselves with a night out, even if it's inexpensive. Mom or somebody stays with the kids, while they go out and try to remember what brought them together in the first place.
It's hard to be romantic if you never leave home, are never away from the kids, and you're tired.
Of course, if she's not interested in sharing the work equally, they have bigger issues that make romance or sex unlikely - in which case it's time to see a marriage counselor (after all, you'd take your car to a mechanic if it broke down, right?).
Here's the deal, though - unless he's ASKED for your advice, you keep your nose out of it, listen to his complaints, and let him work it out for himself without your (unrequested) input. If he's asked, then you tell him, without sounding judgemental about his wife, which might come back to bite you, "The thing is - this system just isn't working for either of you, so you need to find a system that works for both of you."
Then you get outta the way and let him work it out. Good luck!
2006-10-13 11:16:47 · answer #2 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has needs to. He needs her to start acting like a wife and not one of his children. She is grown up she can't expect to get everything she wants without putting some effort into it. I would say first put his foot down then romance her, because it sounds like she is getting enough as it it! Marriage isn't a one way street it is a two way street, but right now it is all one way and it is definitely not his! Tell him that and there is nothing wrong with a little romance just as long as he is getting some as well!
2006-10-13 11:20:14 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Romance her more????
He is kissing her BUTT. He isn't a husband.....he's a servant boy.
You tell him that he better divide up some responsibility, and if those kids are in school, she can get a part time job locally. Heck she can even get a part time job at the school as a lunch lady.
That way she can bring some money in to pay for that extra grown person (her mother) who stays there.
I don't mind a man who is extra great, or even a woman who is a little lazy........but this goes WAY TO FAR. It sounds like an S&M fantasy or something. You said he rubs her feet.......you sure that wasn't 'slave' talk for licks her stiletto????? WITH the leash on?????
That's ugly. Tell him to get it together, otherwise, he's gonna have hell to pay if an 'emergency' occurs and he can't provide anymore.
2006-10-13 11:12:00 · answer #4 · answered by lilac b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is obviously taking him for granted. He should set some ground rules, if she isn't going to work, she needs to be alittle more helpful around the house, and get the kids taken care of and finances straight then maybe worry about romance. Explain to her that they have kids now, it is different I cant just romance you all the time I have to work but if you help out more we can get it done quicker, and then we can do more thing together including gettin it on.
2006-10-13 11:14:05 · answer #5 · answered by caligurrl3634 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him to put his foot down, maybe he would romance her more if she contributed to the relationship, it sounds to me like she is an anchor and that's it, she should have him a candle lit dinner ready or breakfast in bed
2006-10-13 11:17:11 · answer #6 · answered by Jennifer Dalpe 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He needs to put his foot down
2006-10-13 11:12:22 · answer #7 · answered by snoop_dougie_doug04 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Putting his foot down might very well spell end of their marriage. She married him for what he is (a provider), and he married her for what she is (someone who needs him). Trying to change things radically will throw everything out of wack.
2006-10-13 11:10:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would suggest minding your own business. Allow him to vent to you, but keep your opinions to yourself. This is his marriage and his family and he has to learn to deal with it on his terms. You are his sister and are not involved in his marriage and he has to decide what is important to him. I will add, however, that no one can walk all over him unless he lies down and lets them.
2006-10-13 11:28:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs the number of a GOOD divorce attorney
2006-10-13 11:11:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋