How do I stop myself from ruining my relationship because of my abandonment issues?

Question

Before I was born, my father left my mother, and my dad was never around. Since I was little, I've had abandonment issues. I would go to my aunts house over a weekend, and I'd cry uncontrolably when my mom would come to pick me up. I also remember doing the same thing when I would get really close to my babysitters, mom's friends, etc. Now I see that I am protruding this feeling of abandonment onto my boyfriend. It's like I have these panic attacks and I feel like there is this huge hole in the pit of my stomach. I always have doubts any time he says he loves me, or that he will do something for me, see me later, you name it, I doubt it. I also hold things inside because I'm affraid he won't want to understand this issue and he'll leave me. I know it sounds so pathetic, but I can't help myself, and I don't want to loose my boyfriend, he's a good guy, and I'm hurting him by feeling this way. Has anyone delt with an issue like this? How do I stop my feelings and get my mind straight?

I know a suggestion would be counseling, but I'd like to see if I can be able to overcome this on my own. I've already contacted my father, and I thought we were finally going to get a chance to be father and daughter, but he decided to be a real jerk to me, won't let me see my baby half sister, won't return my phone calls, because the last time I saw him he invited me to San Francisco, flew me out, didn't spend any time with me, I spent more time with his girlfriend then him, and then decided on my last day that he wasn't going to drop me off at the airport because it was in Berkley and was too far of a drive, so he made me go with his friends while he got drunk and ate sushi. He's not a very nice or responsible person, and I know I shouldn't expect anything from him, but this issue is because of him and I don't know what do do........ All of your suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

Well, first off, and I say this as someone who's gotten a spot of help myself, therapy might not be a bad idea. This thing is getting in your way, right? In a way, you're a bit lost - think of a good therapist as someone who has a map.

One thing you have to remember - despite the loss you've already suffered, you have survived. Okay, so you're limping - you still walked away from the crash. You are stronger than you know, and once you know that, you'll know that you're strong enough to risk this.

That said, at some point, you have to accept the reality that love does include loss. No matter how faithful, people do die eventually. Depressing? Maybe so, but look at it this way - love is so powerful that people keep risking everything for love, even though loss is an inevitable part of it. Do you want to do without something that transforming in your life?

You can't control what your BF thinks/feels/does (would it be love if you could?), but you can respect him enough to give him the chance to make a choice for himself. Sit him down and explain this to him. Maybe he'll say "oh" and bolt for the door, but probably not. If he does, it'll hurt like blazes, but you'll survive, and eventually you'll find someone who accepts and loves you as you are, with the past you have, imperfect but trying to get better.

Maybe he'll accept it, because he accepts you, and the two of you can figure out how to reduce that voice in your head that keeps sounding warning alarms.

First off, though, you have to convince yourself that you are worthy of being loved, that someone might love you enough to stay. Dad screwed up big time, but not because of you - because of him. Don't let his demons become yours, just forgive him and pity him because he missed out of getting to know you - his loss. Don't deprive other people of the chance to get to know you because of the occasional mistake-maker.

That includes your BF, who doesn't know why you hyperventilate whenever he's nice to you. Remind yourself that, hello, he's nice to you because he likes you - and you are you, including the weirdness because Dad took off, it's just that your BF doesn't know WHY that particular quirk is there.

Something to think about - what if you pushed people away and worried all your life about being abandoned, when most of the people around you would never have abandoned you? You are abandoning them by trying to pull away and protect yourself.

Some of them will go, and some will stay, but you will have really lived your life, not spent it hovering in the background, afraid to fully engage. Good luck!