let me re-phrase my previous question.. how come some teenagers who have been brought up to respect others and

Question

themselves get mixed up with the wrong crowd of peers and turn their back on everything they've been taught by their loving caring parents who only want what's best for them... my relationship with my daughter has become so volatile of late and we used to be so close it's really hurting me why can she not see it i'm worried about her mental health as she is only 16 and has her whole life ahead of her and she's talking about songs she wants played at her funeral.. is it a phase or should i get the mental health team to intervene ?

Answer 1

its all down to the parents

Answer 2

It's nothing you have done nor failed to to do that has resulted in your daughter's current rebellious stage. It happens to the best of parent's as well as the best of kids. at the age of 16, your daughter as that point in her life where the transformation from childhood into womanhood, has finally hit and become quite obvious. Right now, she is trying to figure out "who" she is. The more you try and force her to act and behave a certain way, the more likely she will rebel and retaliate which will cause nothing but anger, and chaos. You and I both know that you have your daughter's best interest at heart. She just needs to realize that it's so much easier to do wrong than it is right. However, life is full of choices and for every choice and action there is a repercussion and reaction. When the wrong decision is made more often than not the consequences will be negative as well. Also, what is right for one person does not make it right for another. My best advice to you would be to remain as calm and open minded as possible, and definitely remain very involved and consistent during this tough time in her life. More than likely this is a phase that the two of you need to work TOGETHER to overcome, thus solidifying a strong relationship as an end result! If you feel that this is not enough, then go ahead and take the next step by contacting a counselor/mediator.

Answer 3

You and your daughter both need some family counseling.

Unless you're a breeder, and you don't sound like you are, even true-blue parents with the best of intentions can have problems. A teenager's brain, I once read, is like being on a permanent acid trip; there are lots of changes going on, lots of random firing neutrons, and a lot, a LOT of outside influences.

Your daughter is 16, and the world is opening up to her, with the best and worst it has to offer. Soon she will be, if she's not already, sexually active. She may have been offered drugs, or soon will be, more than likely. And there are peer pressures to drink, skip school, hang out, and there are dares to do stupid stuff. Such is growing up.

Often teens can't say directly what's bothering them. They may know what they're doing isn't the best, but they don't have enough life experience or enough gray matter in their pre-frontal cortex to have perspective and objectivity to make rational decisions. For all that they look grown, they are not.

Those brains will keep growing until their mid-20s, with every year adding more and more to the pre-frontal cortex. And it's that front-brain growth that makes them look and sound grown up. Some kids have more than others; some kids take longer to grow up. Such is life.

Don't feel bad because your child is acting out. Adolescence is a time of testing limits and boundaries. Your child is screaming silently for boundaries, rules, and for you to show her that you care by verbal discipline, curfew setting, and maybe a few added responsiblities around the house. Of course if she already has a lot of responsibilities, she could be acting out because she's too stressed. Only you know your situation.

Some short-term counseling would help. Find a good, kind, compassionate therapist, and talk about ways to reduce stress, positive, healthy family dynamics, and appropriate behavior. If she's 16 she may also be stressing about grades, college, and growing up because that's looming in her future.

Keep the lines of communication open. Don't tell her what to do or how to think. The best deal is to be open and just let her talk and ramble and come to her own conclusions in her own way. Be a sounding board and go very lightly on the advice. Find the teachable moment and don't impose. Such a fine line to walk!

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Cheers, K -- teacher but not a parent ;)

Answer 4

A mental health team is only going to diagnose her 'bi-polar' or something, it won't necessarily help. Introduce her to an area of responsibility - such as a part time job, chores, and such. In return she can have this or watch this on TV. She's extremely anxious about the future and not much can shift that, because it's a rational fear.

Don't go up to her and say "things are gonna change- you're doing this". If she's hanging with a bad crowd then she's inviting conflict anyway; arrange a lifestyle which will get the best out of her acaedemic and social skills, something that encourages what she thinks she might like to do when she's older, but not a lifestyle which she can disappear for hours getting stoned with braindead teenage boys.

Answer 5

Dont ever blame yourself or say you were a bad parent. My teenage son had only the best love and care from me even though i had split from his dad, but i was the one that was always there for him and he ended up seeing a child psychologist 2 years ago due to his attitude and total disrespect for me. He was suffering with stress was the diagnosis i got!!You have to look at the full picture, the hormones etc, puberty and the fact that she is now 16 and wants to spread her wings more. If you feel the need to seek professional help, then seek it, i did and it was the best thing i ever did. My son is so much better now and has more respect and love for me than ever before and he isnt even 15 yet. Your daughter will appreciate and respect you in the long term for it even if it seems impossible now. Hang in there and seek the advice you need. It will all work out im sure. good luck

Answer 6

Did you shelter her as a child and try to keep her from things that happen in the real world? Sometimes this can cause kids to go astray from everything they learned at home. If all they know is good and they see others having a good time being bad, it gets their curiosity going, and they start trying these new things. I think the best medicine is for you and your daughter to sit down and talk about these kind of comments she makes and find out why? I thought I'd be better off dead at times my teenage years, but my family consisted of druggies and alcoholics, so my story is completely different. I wish I had a mother I could've openly talked about things with without being judged...just loved. Your daughter has a good thing going, you just need to step up and get in her business (no matter how it makes her feel), it's YOUR job as a mother to prevent anything bad from happening to her. If you don't talk with her before you just try to get someone to diagnose her with depression and prescribed pills of some sort. She'll love you and appreciate you so much for keeping an open mind, heart, and showing genuine concern for her well-being. Good luck!

Answer 7

I have a 16 year old daughter. Such an angel before now I can't say anything without getting into an argument with her. I blame it on the hormones. Teenagers of today are all the same. Try to understand her and she'll understand you. I think it is a phase... I know some who cut their wrists. Maybe let an aunt or a friend to speak to her first.

Answer 8

Hard questions for you:

From age two, did you reward negative behavior, .i.e giving or holding so she would stop crying? Age 5, did you sit with her and practice phonetics, practice writing with her, give her music lessons and sometimes sit and listen to here practice?
Age 8, did she have complete, reinforced by you, the responsibility to clean her room EVERYDAY before school along with you keeping up with above mentioned?

Did you give many, many things just because she asked or wanted or did you hold her to the same responsibilities that you have for her and the home?

Did you dress her as you thought appropriate or did you let the world dictate what she should ware and allow her to respond to that?

Does she have all kinds of make-up, hair color/dye and for what?

Did nature not give you a beautiful baby? 10 years, did she set the table, and clear it away and help with the kitchen after every meal? Did you allow her to slam or close her room door?

Did you stoop, to knock on her door to talk to her? (Gave up your parental authority). Was the level of discipline there as required when required? Did you allow here to tell you what she would eat and not eat? How many times has she prepared the family meal her self or at least a good part of it.

Are you part of the PTA and attend her scholl functions?

Does she know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not accept late/incomplete or no homework? Do you know everything that she has in the room that you provide for her?

Your child is YOUR report card for parenting! Are you happy with your grade?

Answer 9

Hi,as a mother who has 4 grown up children ,i can tell you she is just a normal teenager.
Your best bet is to keep telling her that you trust her to do the right thing even if you dont approve of some of the things she is doing,if she does think of going off the rails she will remember your words,its hard to hurt someone who trusts you.
My 2 daughters were exactly the same as her at that age,but i knew they were both intelligent and caring underneath the bravado,it is a phase,it will pass,we are now the best of friends,shopping,socialising, and both say it was because i trusted them ,good luck

Answer 10

I am biased as a MH professional myself, to tell you to get her the help. I've seen too many parents think something is a "phase" and the phase never ends, or at worse, leads to more problems. Another option is to find another relative (perhaps a sister or brother of yours) that your daughter is comfortable talking with. Perhaps they could be a support, since she is not trusting you. Don't be ashamed of what is going on, and get some family support if you need to do so.

Answer 11

I think it's just a teenage thing my son is 15 and he can be really embarrassing,as long as you know you've done your best and I don't doubt you as I have,you just have to let things run their course.I've been soft with my kids because I had an unhappy childhood.But I have still taught them right from wrong and respect they respect everyone else and are rude to me.My hubby doesn't get as much flak as I do but they won't be like this forever just hang in there.