need relationship advice BIG TIME~?

Question

My boyfriend of 4 yrs, already owns a clothing line he owns a contstruction co. and now he wants to go and buy a bar and run it, and turn it into a poker room/restraunt/bar...I think it will be the last straw and it will ruin our relationship. He says he will hire me to be there at night with him while he runs things so i can still be there, but i have a 5 yr old, i cant be taking him with me there? and i just know he will be there all the time especially in the begining.We just broke up last night and got back together bcuz he said he would make me a priority for now on, and then throws this at me...what do i do>? I am a nanny during the day i run it out of our house, so its not that easy to just pick up and leave, i want to make it work but im giving him my all and i dnt feel he is. Isnt everyone who owns a bar divorced or single anyway? How do i get it through to my bf that we are more important than a bar? what do i do

Answer 1

Why does your boyfriend want to own a business in the first place?
He already has a clothing line and a construction company. He seems
pretty occupied with work as it is already. Tell him in crystal clear
terms that he will understand. He is already working quite a bit. Why
does he need to work almost every waking hour of the day? Doesn't he realize that if he owns another business, that will mean even less time for you, and he will be spreading himself thin, trying to juggle so many things at once. Express your concerns to him, and ask him to explain,
how is it going to be a priority, given that you have a young child to take care of?

Answer 2

Putting you as a priority means that he needs to reassess his current activities. No man - and I mean NO man - can be the kind of person he needs to be in a relationship with you and your child while trying to balance that many activities.

He needs to make a choice and drop one of these businesses, or hire someone he can delegate the primary business responsiblities to while he continues to generally oversee everything. Since he already owns the clothing line and contruction company, I would tell him to drop the bar idea. And to expect a mother to leave her child every night to go work in a bar just so she can have some "time" with her mate is ridiculous. First of all, that's not "time" - it's work and stress. That's not quality time, and it's a lot to sacrifice just to keep this relationship alive.

If he's willing to put you first - test him on it. Have him speak to a business consultant or attorney and see his options. There's nothing wrong with being an entrepreneur - but it sounds like he's got difficulty managing both personal and work life. Not the kind of man I want to grow old with - and definitely NOT the example I would want set for my child.

Your 5 year old will learn everything he knows about life from observing you and the decisions you make about family. They will get many outside influences, but as they get older they will inevitably repeat what they saw you do. If you are at the bar every night, your child will see nothing and seek that example from someone else. His promise may be to make you the priority, but your first priority is to your child. For him to ask you to compromise that is selfish and not well thought out.

Might be a great business thinker, but not the greatest life thinker - and life will still be around when the business is gone.

Answer 3

You need to let him go, and let him see what it's like living without you. Apparently, he's taking you for granted that you'll always be there for him- and that he'll be there for you when it's convenient for him. Because he bought a bar when he already has so much on his plate, he's not really listening to you. Sometimes men need a huge shove to get going. They don't always see what we see. Tell him that you feel you two are in different places *presently,* and need some time apart to figure things out Don't give him an amount of time..... let him come to you. If he does, set some ground rules. Seriously, make up a schedule. If he doesn't, you've wasted no more effort with him. Because you guys rarely see each other anyways, I'd give it at least a month for it to set in. Relationships are a two-way street, and if he's not putting any effort in, no matter how hard *you* try it will never work out.

Answer 4

I totally understand your situation! I don't have kids, but am dealing with similar issues with my boyfriend and living 1000 miles away from my friends and family.

Do you have any friends besides him?

If you're not in the position to leave, maybe it would help if you began saving your money (in a separate account which is hard to withdraw from). I'm using a different paypal address for this (transferring from my "main" one, but not having the "savings" one linked to any credit cards or bank account so I can't go spend with it).

Some guys are just workaholics, and alot of guys view working as a way of showing their love for whoever they're with. My boyfriend is that way... which really bites for me, since he seems to base ALL of his self esteem on it (despite my assurances to the opposite)...

Maybe you can just emotionally distance yourself for a bit and get into your hobbies, friends, and self improvement while he runs the bar and try not to expect too much (though all the while preparing yourself to be in a better position to leave if things come to that).

I've known some married guys who ran bars and restaraunts-- but it IS a very labor intensive job, and I would rather be a silent investor than the person running it (or their girlfriend)! It does seem to tax their relationships... The ones I know are totally burned out! The times it seems to work best is when it's like a lunch or formal dinner cafe (those places usually close earlier and are more family friendly to the wife and kids).

Anyway- good luck. I would be silently building myself up if I were you...

Answer 5

I'm going to tell you from personal experience, that its not easy being with a man who throws himself headlong into his work and aspirations. My husband is in the military, and has to be the best of the best... it sometimes feels like me and my children get left in the dust, so I really know how you feel. What works for me is to remind him VERY often is that he is still a husband and still a father on top of being a soldier. It doesn't get through to him right away, and it may have seemed like nagging to his ears, but eventually he realized that he also has to be the best of the best at home as well as at work. It's all about how much you truly want it to work on both sides of the house, remind him that even though he is doing great in his work life, you are still here, and you need attention as well, if he really wants it to work he will find a way to balance both sides, you just have to continually remind him. When he gets better with the balancing act, take time to show him that you recognize his efforts and appreciate them very much. When he starts to slip, remind him again that he needs to fix it and about how great it was when he had it together. As for your side, being that you are a nanny AND a mom, you know how useful tolerance and patience can be. Be patient with him, he isn't going to get it right away. There is a difference between nagging and communicating. Try to find the best way to talk to him that he will understand and respond to, the second you start to "nag," he will shut you out and ignore what you say. If he really wants it to work, he will try and fix things. Give him as much time as you are willing to give for him to adjust, if he doesn't make an effort (a real one, not just a half hearted one to get you to stop bugging him) by your own personal deadline (and keep this deadline to yourself) then I'm sorry, but its time to move on. Remeber, you have to make yourself happy in order to be the best mom you can be. I hope this helps you in some way. As for couples working a bar together, I know a couple personally that still get along just fine with that situation. Good luck!

Answer 6

Well, tell him that(about your job) and see what he says, but if it were me, I would state my case thouroughly and give him a day or two to think about it and not say anything else about it during that time. If he wants to be with you, then he is going to have to compromise. 50/50 Tell him it is gonna be his call, you will compromise as well. Oh and make it clear, that 5 yr olds don't belong in bars regaurdless of who owns it!

Answer 7

I suggest that you and your boyfriend go for some kind of relationship counselling.

If you start arguing with your boyfriend and telling him that he is not treating you fairly, then such an argument can lead to the break up of your relationship. But if a neutral professional says that your boyfriend is not treating you fairly, then it won't be a simple dispute between you and your boyfriend any more. With counselling, you'll have a better chance to resolve your differences with your boyfriend.

If your boyfriend refuses to go for any such counselling with you, then this means that he simply doesn't care about his relationship with you that much. And in that case, you would be better off looking for another boyfriend.

Answer 8

I think he gave you your answer, when you got back together last night then he dropped it on you that now he wants to buy a bar.
He sounds like a real go-getter (sincerely meant), but he may be a bit of a obsessive work-a-holic.
Stick to your guns about your 5 year old and raising him/her. Your baby needs you! Good Luck

Answer 9

It sounds to me like he has his priority's in the wrong order. If he does buy the bar you will never see him, you need more adult contact. Its great that he is a great provider but it wont do you well if you never see him. your daughter also needs to see him more if she has no contact with her daddy... Good Luck

Answer 10

there is many fishes interior the sea, and subsequently you are able to recover from her (even with the actuality that it rather is tricky for you on the grounds that she's your previous flame). i think of she purely needs you to be her rebound (if she breaks up along with her cutting-edge bf, she'll pass decrease back to you, yet she could be purely enjoying you).