Been married for 7yrs.Hubby started to cheat 2 yrs into marriage.had 2 other women on the side.he refused all counselling and started being verbally abusive and critical.When he wanted to open his first business with his other women I told him he would drag on his *** before i ever supported that move.
3years on.4 more affairs on his side and one on mine that I broke off after 6 months and all he remembers are my words dragging on his ...)and my affair that he just continues to throw in my face.When I told my midwife and doctor and eventually the police about the abuse he said I tarnished his name and that if it affects his chances to get a job a lot of people are going to be hurt
P.S He still seeing 3 of these women
2006-10-13 05:20:24 · 52 answers · asked by JUSEve 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Honey, you ARE forgiven...by me, anyway. You don't need his forgiveness. Once can be forgiven. Cheating 6-7 times...that's a WHOOOOOLE different story. He has no right throwing your affair in your face, especially since he's been cheating throughout your marriage, and with several different women.
If you haven't already, you need to get out of that marriage...
2006-10-13 05:30:31 · answer #1 · answered by Leah M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you shouldn't. You shouldn't because you have GIVEN this man PERMISSION to do this to you, to treat you this way. You have shown him that this is okay to do. The only way he would know different, is if you had demanded different, and SHOWN him different if he continued that behavior.
So.....how do you make it stop now? It's simple, but it will be difficult for you because your emotions are involved, and somewhere down inside, I think that you don't think highly of yourself. You don't think that YOU are WORTH it. You don't know your worth.
So the simple/complicated step???? You leave. You make your plan, where you will go, how you will provide for yourself and your children. You will take the necessary legal steps. First you will get a restraining order, and tell the judge of what he has done (documented case number from the police, plus any verbal recordings, or letters, or witnesses) you will include the children in the restraining order, and you will seek a temporary custody ruling of the children. You will then go and file for a divorce.
I don't know where you live but here in California, both parties don't have to agree upon it, only one does. But no matter where you live, I believe you still have a case because there is documented abuse there. Once you file your papers, you will seek SOLE LEGAL and PHYSICAL custody of your children. This makes you the ONLY decision maker for them. So that if moving out of state was in your best interest (job wise or something) then you could do it and he couldn't stop you. You can request a visitiation schedule of your own choosing in those circumstances. You also request, or deny a child support order.
You will do this if you DO realize that you are worth more than that. If you DO realize that you deserve BETTER than to spend the rest of your life in misery, only to look back over these days, and all the years you spent unhappy, and miserable, and WISHING you would have made the better choice. You will do this because you will realize NOW that you are young enough to STILL HAVE A CHANCE at happiness. Let him be miserable alone. But then again....he's not really alone is he? He has all his mistresses to keep him company.
You had an affair once. You ARE desirable to others. There IS a man somewhere in the world who will love, cherish and RESPECT you. But you will NEVER find him, NEVER have him, as long as you are with this 'husband' who is ANYTHING BUT that.
Please love yourself enough. If not for YOU......if not for ME (I want this for you and I don't even KNOW you).....do it for your CHILDREN. You said you have a midwife...so you have kids. YOU are their example. Don't teach them this. Teach them to do BETTER than you've done. To be SMARTER than you were. To want, strive for, earn, DEMAND, and ONLY ACCEPT THE BEST.
Let me share some words from a really amazing song. Aretha Franklin sang this a few years ago:
"Let your life be in sunshine; Not the darkness of your sorrow.
You mmay see your all today; But new love will come tomorrow.
Don't believe your life is over, just because your man is gone.
Girl, love yourself and love to love; cause without him, your life goes on.
A rose, is still a rose. Baby girl, you're still a flower. He can't leave you and then take you. Make you and then break you. Darlin, you hold the power.
So....be that rose, beloved.
2006-10-13 05:53:57 · answer #2 · answered by lilac b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well right, you dont have to ask to forgive you !
What happend is in the past! What i dont agree with is that you done the same what he has done. A man is mostly abusing his partner when he sees that the woman can do the same what he/they do! and when they get abusive it shows that hes very weak and doesnt know what life or marriage is all about. It means : trust, honesty, sharing, be there for each other. What his definition is ... that you have to do what he wants.. get out of this situation ... find a place to live and start a brand new life and give yourself a rest of feeling bad that you have had an affair too.
I get the impression that he just thinks of himself and doesnt give a toss about you - if he ever did?!
Tell him that you will leave him and then do so as soon as possible. Be more clever as him... be strong
2006-10-13 05:36:32 · answer #3 · answered by stephangie2001de 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't believe that you are still there! And it appears you have children with this creature. Sometimes when in an abusive relationship one partner tries to console then convince themselves that it's not happening or, if they accept it's happening, that this is a one-off, a mistake.
This guy is a serial philanderer as well as a bully. He will never change his ways as you continue to allow him to get away with such bad behaviour. What would you do if your child started to act like this?
It may be a case of a straight choice between turning a blind eye and letting him carry on for the sake of keeping the family together or alternatively, getting the courage to leave him. Do you have any family that can put you up? If not, the police can put you in contact with some women's aid organisations who will be able to help with the immediate housing problem if there's violence in the relationship and later, the problems you will face with joint finances, etc.
I know it will take a lot of courage but surely it is better for you and especially for your children that you get out of this situation sooner rather than later. Who knows where this could end up if you don't.
Good luck :-)
2006-10-13 05:31:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Instead of asking the question you are asking....why haven't' you ask yourself why are you still with this man......husband or not he doesn't regard you as his wife. The tit-for-tat game is getting old and the results will be very painful...as long as he continues to cheat so will you...doesn't make sense. You better off getting a divorce and having a peace of mind than still in an unhealthy marriage like this. Never-mind with him sleeping around puts you at risk for all kinds of STD and/or him producing another family. I'm assuming you may have kids and if that's the case, why would you keep your children in an environment like this...verbal abuse, infidelity (dont think they don't know about it, children are not stupid).....please don't say you are stilling for the children...this environment will be more damaging to them than anything else. So the REAL question is....do you love yourself enough to want better than the last 7 years of your life?
2006-10-13 05:35:58 · answer #5 · answered by teaspoon520 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why? You don't need forgiveness you need a back bone. I don't mean to sound like a jerk.
I was married for 12 years and my wife had 3 affairs that I know of. It took allot for me to decide to leave. I had to give up a $300,000.00 a year business, go bankrupt, loose my house, all my friends and I moved to another state. Two reasons I did all of this 1 was because no one should stay in a bad relationship. 2 I couldn't live near her because I still lover her very much.
My advice to you is get out. Run and go find your self a person that will love you for who you are. Don't stay in an abusive relationship. Good luck, be strong.
2006-10-13 05:29:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should be forgiven; however, the damage is done and he may have problems as a result of your decision to do the right thing and press charges. You should not feel guilty.
I've learned that when there is this much damage (cheating, abuse, stalking) that it's best to move on. There is a level of respect missing from both of you and the pain will never subside.
Make amends, be at peace, but there is a realationship with no drama that has your name on it! You deserved to be treated like a queen, not a doormat.
Best wishes.
2006-10-13 05:37:32 · answer #7 · answered by Dancer3d 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is my opinion, I hope I'm not being disrespectful to you in anyway? Things like this just makes me very angry. I can't stand it when I hear about how men can belittle women the way that they do.and why the women feel that they are the one at fault and should care if he forgives them or not? You have nothing to be forgiven for. NOT BY HIM ANYWAY!
He seems to be the one that is carrying most of the crap load not you. I don't understand why you are still with him anyway. Especially after knowing about all of the stuff that had happened in the past and also knowing that he is still doing this bull **** to you still today. You should go and get a restraining order and tell him to hit the road and go move in with one of his lovers. You don't need to have to deal with this from him anymore. You should let him know that you have had enough of his sticking crap and that you are not going to take it from him anymore!
Good Luck!
2006-10-13 08:20:52 · answer #8 · answered by bigred 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not guilty of anything other than being naive in believing this man will ever change. Dump him and find someone deserving of you. Men like that are a dime a dozen and trust me if he cheats on you he will cheat on anyone else he is with. Get out before he eventually kills you with the physical abuse. You would be the first of thousands of women to die this way.
2006-10-13 10:35:01 · answer #9 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And why are u still with him? Refusing counselling and being abusive are two totally perfect reasons to leave. And so what if you tarnished his name - he did the actions, this is his consequences - i'de be applying for a seperation at the least with this dude! good luck - there are lots of good guys out there you dont need to stick with the loosers in life.
2006-10-13 05:25:39 · answer #10 · answered by redneckgirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋