Emotionally, Mentally, Physically draining?

Question

don't know what to do with my boyfriend of 7 years (off & on). We have a one year old son together, and we were just about to get married. Now, after our last argument he has decided that he no longer wants to be with me, and will be leaving when our apartment lease ends next summer. He has stopped helping around the house, with the baby, etc. He goes out almost every night once the baby's asleep, and on the weekends doesn't come home until sunrise, only to sleep on the couch while I do everything. He says the most awful and cruel things to me, and I know I am not completely innocent, but I have stuck around to try and make it work for the sake of our child. My boyfriend came from a broken home and I feel it ruined his life, I don't want to see the same for my child. It has been a cycle of abuse for seven years, and we have both left before. This has happened all through our relationship, and we always make up. I can't take it anymore I just want him to stop. He blames me.

Maybe I am stubborn, or just old fashion, but I feel guilty for leaving. I was raised to believe that you work things out. His father walked out on him, and basically did the same things my boyfriend is doing now. We don't really fight in front of our son. I feel like it is my duty to stick it out and do whatever I can to give him a family. I have tried to reason with him but I get no where. This situation has happened before, twice since my son was born, but in those times he actually left the house, so it seemed different. Now, he is doing the same things but staying in the house. I don't know how to handle it. Being nice doesn't work, and being mean just makes it worse. If I ignore him he will do something to provoke a reaction. I feel an absolute loss of any sort of control. All he does is blame me

Now, he just told me last night that I have till Monday to decide which one of us will be breaking our lease and moving out. I don't have a choice in anything. I just want to wake up from this nightmare

Answer 1

I can empathize; for your sake, I wish it was just a nightmare, and you could just wake up, and everything would be right and well with the world.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your bf is not going to let that happen.

From what you have said, the seven years you've been together actually haven't been much of a good dream as you've imagined. He's pulled this stunt at least twice before and not given a real sense that he is firmly commited to you as a human being.

He also seems to have no desire to care for or interact with your child together.

I really respect your desire to stay and work things out, and especially because you care about your child and want to have a stable home for him to grow up in. Your sense of responsibility and loyalty are good things. And if your bf was willing to work on your relationship, those things would serve you well and maybe enable you to patch everything up.

But in this situation, it sounds your bf is not willing to be reconciled to you, and even if he again changes his mind, you will not be able to consider it a "stable" relationship. He has been consistently mean and abusive (you even call it a "cycle of abuse"). That would be even worse for your child to experience, and you have no assurance that he will not begin to abuse your child over time as well -- and that's the last thing you want.

It sounds to me like you know that things are over and you need to move on, but still feel like you should have been able to make things work and that your child deserves more. It sounds like you did everything you could to make it work, at least as best as you could where you are right now, and your child DOES deserve more -- a home where his mother is not constantly abused and demeaned and where he can feel safe as well.

I would look at your options for moving out, to see what's possible right now, and talk to friends (for support) or social workers (who are used to dealing with this sort of stuff) or church members (for help and support) and your family (for the same).

Make a practical list of how your life might change if you were alone with your child, and what tasks would need to be accomplished.

Try to list a bunch of positive things that could come out of this relationship ending; is there anything good you could imagine for your future? Try to find the benefits -- not in a mean way towards your bf, but in a way that is liberating for you.

If you are willing to move, tell him that you're willing to move out, but you will both have to share the penalty for breaking the lease. You both live there; you are both cosigners (right?); legally, he is obligated as you are. If you agree to move out, maybe that will placate him enough to agree to the equal terms.

(And if he was bluffing and is shocked and suddenly unsure about you splitting, I still wouldn't stay. A man who would treat you this way over time just because he can, without really meaning it, is no man you want to marry.)

Anyway, that's the basics:
* You tried; you can't make your bf's decisions; sometimes things do not work out.
* Make the best life you can for you and your son.
* Plan out a strategy for moving on.
* Look at the positives, to motivate you.
* Get all the support you can from family and friends.

I'm sorry things are ending so poorly, and I hope you and your son can find some light at the end of the tunnel. Take care.

Answer 2

Do you really want to stay in a relationship that is this unhealthy for you and your son? I would think a person would want more for their child then a deadbeat Father? He is not going to change and if you have only been together for 7 years and have not gotten married by now then I doubt it is gonna happen anytime soon. If you did the likelyhood of it ending in divorce is high if all you say is true about this man. I say let him leave and you go and do what is best for your son. Put all your energies into this beautiful baby. Remember your son is your blood and your boyfriend is not. I would think anyone that has a right mind would take blood over not family. You aren't staying together for the sake of your son. That is just an excuse. You just don't have guts to leave him yourself or you would have by now. This is something you want for yourself and can't let go. Once you realize that this is a dead horse that you are beating then maybe you can move forward and begin a new life with you and your son and maybe in the future meet a wonderful man that can be a good role model and Father to your son. Move on love and forget this man. He is evendetally not mature enough to deal with this. Hold onto any help you can get from your family or friends. There are plenty of people out there to help you and your son if it is money you are needing to get thru. Better to be alone and healthy then in a rotten relationship and be sick all the time. Let him leave or leave him now for your son. It will be the best thing you can do for your sons future.

Answer 3

Mars in Aries in the 3rd House Mars Trine Sun in Sagittarius Mars Square Rising in Capricorn Mars Square a bunch of other places. Moon in Taurus. Tough answer. I have lots and lots of physical, mental, and emotional stamina, no joke. Mentally drained leading to Emotionally drained. I guess... Because being around a lot of noise ALL the time is irritating, especially at home. I feel more mentally drained if I can't hear my own thoughts. It does start to effect me emotionally, to the point of crying because its like someone clapping pots and pans together near my ear if I have spent too time around NOISE... And I can't get away and do what I want. I have to take good break, then I can get back into the game, all rejuvenated and extroverted again.

Answer 4

Your a fool if you stay! Your trying to "make it work for the sake of the child" THIS will NOT work! I've been through this, AND seen it many times. He does not want to be with you and even doesn't help out with his OWN child because he doesn't want to be with you (doesn't that tell you something?) You would rather raise your child in an unhappy home just to say you live with his dad? Get a grip WOMAN!! Your child needs to be raised in a loving, comfortable home. You are just fooling yoruself and you guys shouldn't live together until the lease ends either..That's toooo long to suffer any kind of abuse. You have good intentions but your hurting you and your son by sticking it out in a dead end OVER relationship. Get out know and raise your child. I hope he at least helps to financially support his child...but expect NOTHING from him.

Answer 5

Look you really need to move on, I don't know how old are you but doesn't matter. You know the answer. Seven years is a long period of time. And I know how you feel. You just don't want to get a blame that you are leaving him. But think about this, He is never going to change and the reason he blames you for every thing because he wants you to leave him alone. That's how guys are he is not helping you to overcome with the issues instead he'll blame you always. So choice is yours. You need to move on. Trust me there are lots of guys out there and there is life out there. Imagine your life without him. You don't need to put up with this. Imagine how beautiful life is without him. You are in America and you are in strong woman society. Imagine women in others countries. Like Pakistan, India or some other poor countries where woman have to be under the man power but i don't understand woman here, they can do whatever they want but still you guys choose to be with someone who is just not for you. You choose to me abuse. You choose to get hurt. why?

Answer 6

sweetheart you need out of the relationship. I'm kinda in the same situation. It took me forever to see that even though the baby should be raised with both parents, when one parent is being so self destructive and abusive in anyway, it's just not worth it. don't be hard on yourself, it's not your fault, men just mostly naturally turn into *******. leaving is hard, but you don't want something really bad to happen, especially if he comes home from drinking really often. There's ways to get through parenting and not being together. And if he's that big of a piece of crap, I'm sure you can find a better "daddy figure" someday

Answer 7

U did all through watever u felt could make u happy.It did not pay at the end.But now I feel ur priority shud b ur child and everything has to be done for him, keeping yourself in the back seat. A life u have brought to life, now u have no right to give him a living death.Watever u feel is wrong in u, remove and no prioroty now to ur satisfaction but the childs. Men are like this anyway.Women constructs, men destroys_DIVISION OF LABOUR

Answer 8

Honey, the only person you can change is yourself. You feel like you need to save him from himself but he is the only one that can do that. Get out now while you can. It is not healthy for you or your son to be in a relationship like that. If you stay, as your son grows up, he will see how his father treats you and he will think himself that that is how you treat the people you love. I wish only the best for you and your son.

Answer 9

have a plan before he leaves, save some money,have something to back you up, even if things appear to get better, don't let that lead you into a false sense of security.my husband did this to me, and than things seemed to be ok with us, and than boom, he left, and i had nothing saved, which just made it worse. do you think he has met another woman, as in my case. i would try and prepare myself for his leaving no matter what happens.

Answer 10

he sounds like a big jerk to me. just try to move on. you don't need someone like that in your life when all he seems to do is hold you down. and if you stay in this situation your child will eventually catch on and the cycle will just keep repeating itself over and over. just get out while you can