can any1 rephrase this, please?

Question

Frank was bruttually shoved into a wall and warned not to cry out. He tried not to say anything, but the beating was more then he could take and he was roughy kicked in the ribbs. He cried out and was instantly gagged and thrown into the car. He was greeted by John Parson, one of America's ten most wanted criminals. "You got a death wish?" he asked. "Never disobay the Parson."

it is my own work

Answer 1

This has potential, but it's too wordy.

I won’t write your story for you! (I’m a writer and I have enough trouble finishing and fixing my own stuff!),but I WILL give you some feedback:

First, use of the word “Brutally” (check your spelling, btw), is redundant. Of COURSE it’s brutal to throw someone into a wall! Leave it out. Same with “roughly”; is there a way to “gently” kick someone in the ribs? No! Again, ditch it. Try to avoid too many adjectives, especially when they don’t add anything.

What does “instantly gagged” mean? Is there a slow, seductive way to so it? If so, I’ve never heard of it! People who gag others usually do it quickly, so no one will HEAR the person being gagged! Just write "gagged" (you could add some weird thing or smell to it; e.g: "gagged with a rancid rag from underneath the car's seat". That puts you into the poor victim's mind...not only brutalized, but now smelling and tasting something awful.

The use of the phrase “one America’s ten most wanted criminals” sounds like it’s from a TV show. Reword it, such as “the most vicious criminal ever known in….[wherever your story is set]”. Better yet, try to show his viciousness by some act. In the film “Chinatown”, we are never TOLD how vicious Roman Polanski’s character is, but we KNOW it as he slices open the side of Jack Nicholson’s nose!

I would re-word the “you got a death wish?” (too much like "Do ya feel lucky, Punk?") to something odd or off-beat, like, “You enjoy Monday Night football? Wanna keep watching?”…and THEN segue into your best line, “Never disobey the Parson”! (that is an EXCELLENT LINE!) It’s very effective to give a vicious criminal a seemingly innocent or even virtuous title, like “parson”, "reverend" or “doctor”, etc.

Try this as an exercise (I do it all the time and it helps): Take the above paragraph/scene and REMOVE ALL ADJECTIVES, similies, metaphors and so on! You might get the same effect, or better! Even if there is more mystery…isn’t that what you’re going for? Really, try it and see what you think.

BTW, this sounds a LOT like “Secret Window” or “The Dark Half” by Stephen King. Nothing wrong w/that, but make the characters YOURS. Base them on people you know or know a lot about.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Frank Was Thrown Roughly Against A Wall And A Voice From The Car Ordered Him To Take The Beating He Had Coming Without Making A Sound. As The Punches And Kicking Began, Frank Knew He Wouldn't Be Able To Remain Silent. He Let Out A Groan And Was Immediately Bundled Into Trunk Of The Waiting Car...
You Can Take It From There If You Like?

Answer 3

It's pretty well written already. However, it's misspelled throughout. Here's my re-write on this:
Frank was brutally shoved into a wall but warned to not cry out. He tried not to say anything, but the beating was more than he could take. After being kicked in the ribs, he cried out and was instantly gagged and thrown in the car. John Parson, one of America's ten most wanted criminals said to him: "You got a death wish?" "Never disobey the Parson."

Answer 4

Frank was brutally shoved into a wall and warned not to cry out. He tried not to say anything, but the beatng was more than he could take as he was roughly being kicked in the ribs. He cried out and was instantly gagged and thrown into the cr. He was greeted by John Parson, one of America's most wanted criminals. "You got a death wish?" he asked. "Never disobey the Parson", he said.

Answer 5

kicked in the ribbs? Disobay? If you are a writer you better get
spell-check or a dictionary.

Answer 6

Frank was threatened by THE JOHN PARSON!!

Answer 7

First....check your spelling. Brutally...not bruttually. Ribs...not ribbs. Disobey......not disobay.

Also....change "was instantly gagged" to "was gagged instantly."

Answer 8

I don't know any John Parson =)

Answer 9

don't get the question that your asking. what are trying to say he should of listened and not screamed out?

Answer 10

im 15 and i think your grandso looks GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!