My mother in law seems to understand whenever I talk to her, but then she keeps to doing the same rubbish again. She has always been a housewife and her husband was the decision maker. She has no interests, no hobbies, etc. She lets all her frustration out on my husband. She is patronizing and treats us like children, when we visit, she tells him how useless he is,etc.
How can I get her interested in things so that she can have her own life and we our life back? I really like her, but for the past 5 years she has been a pain in the back, patronizing us and invading our privacy. (She has always been a control freak and is a bit innocent when it comes to relationships, so she won't look for a partner, etc.)
2006-10-13 02:28:18 · 15 answers · asked by Wednesday 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I am not patronizing her, I am looking for a way to help her to deal with her bereavement and make it a bit easier for her. Bereavement is a very individual thing, I know that, but we have to help her in some way, before she looses everyone around her because of her ways.
2006-10-13 02:51:42 · update #1
I asked her if she wanted to join a club or if there is anything she is interested in, but she isn't even making a step outside this routine of ruling our lifes. She would think that mental health services would be patronizing for her as she doesn't think she has a problem. I asked her if she would like to have a pet, but she says that she doesn't want the dirt and all. The only people she ever has contact with is family and neighbours, but she always comes uo with talking about her dead husband or how useless my partner is.
2006-10-13 02:57:15 · update #2
She is in her 50s, so quite young. She lives in a rural area with not much cultural input and when she is around people, she is different, but her actions are the opposite. She is not religious either.
2006-10-13 03:03:37 · update #3
i think you need to realise there isnt a given time for bereavement and greiving and i think you need to give her a break, how would you feel if you lost ur husband? i think you need to stop being so patronising to her!
dont mean to sound nasty in any of that by the way x
2006-10-13 02:30:59 · answer #1 · answered by princesssp8 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma. This is a good example of why everyone should keep their personal interests going, but of little consolation to you and Yours.
You don't say if you live in the UK, or how old your Mother-in-Law is.
Have you tried taking her out on day trips, or Club trips? How has she interacted with folk she meets on these trips, were there glimmers of a new friendship in evidence? If so, arrange a little tea party or something and invite the new folk.
If you live in the UK, have a chat with someone at Help the Aged. The Red Cross also have Clubs for the elderly. Lions Clubs may also be of some help, as they do good works in the community.
Is Mum-in-Law a Church-goer? If so, have a chat with her vicar.
Does she have a particular friend with whom you could have a chat?
I assume you have tried chatting to Mum-in-Law about her Darling Husband being upset if he could see how she has let things slide to this state? It seems to me that she is frightened of living alone, but unless she becomes kinder to you all, she will remain lonely.
One never gets over losing a long-time partner, but learns to accept it in time.
Good luck and God bless.
.
2006-10-13 02:46:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do u think she would consider grief councelling, or even group councelling with other people going through the same loss? If not u can try befriending her and physically taking her to events u think she might be interested in such as bingo or community events etc and once she sees that its ok to have fun again and meets some new people u can step back and let her go on her own. Some people feel its disloyal or they feel guilty to start living life again and be happy, so u need to show her its ok to do that, and then u and your spouse can have your life back and she will too, she just needs a little push in the right direction.
2006-10-13 02:37:51 · answer #3 · answered by Amber 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some people can never get over the loss of a loved one. Five years, at times may seem like five days.
Your MIL needs therapy. Just the fact that she tells her son he is useless, should put on a red light.
It sounds like your family has been carrying the load for a long time.
I would check mental health, in your area and see if she qualifies for help.
If she does not, there are other places you can seek out.
As long as she goes on without mental help, she will continue to try to run your lives. That is part of her illness.
Hope you find the peace and happiness that you deserve.
2006-10-13 02:35:41 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi!
Your post says you are really concerned, considerate, and caring for your mother in law. It must be hard for you to have her around for almost 5 years walking in and out of your life and controling everything.
Your MIL seemed to have lost focus, before she had a husband to focus, now she has none, and since you all make her immediate family, all her frustration is directed towards you all. She needs to have some focus, get her involved in some kind of activity with other seniors, i really have no idea where you hail from so i could help you out in suggesting some of the senior activities. It is important she gets involved in some kind of group activity, or a social club where she can get to meet with other seniors, find out what her interests were when she was young and ask her to persue her interest, like music, attending some kind of hobby classes, getting involved in baby sitting in the neighborhood etc. When her interests are encouraged may be she will have somehting to focus on. there are many seniors who get involved in business like home made food. I hope i have helped you.
A visit to the Psychiatrist can be of great help, check if she is depressed, some medication can help her to elevate her mood, so she can be helped to move on.
Her comments can affect your mental health, it can cause stress, if she says "you are useless" she is only projecting her own feelings, taking care of old people can be very stressful, because they will constantly be on the guilt trip so they get what they want. They can say things like, "I cared for you so much while you were young, look what treatment you give me" Old people can be like babies wanting a lot of attention and the care givers can burn out caring for them. She needs to make changes, Counseling can help her move on, try this after the Psychiatrist evaluation.
2006-10-13 02:50:56 · answer #5 · answered by thachu5 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
always gonna be hard, best way to to explain that she has given up on life and the last 5 years have been a waste. she needs to take a good look around her and see what effect it is having on her life and her families. she needs to understand that her family is most important and will support her in anyway possible.
the problem with the invasion of privacy is that you is all she has and im sure she feels bitter about her husband passing away. explain her hubby wouldnt like he to be behaving this way and that she should live the rest of her life as her hubby would of wanted her too.
2006-10-13 03:27:40 · answer #6 · answered by Paul S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sorry to hear of your nightmare and it obviously is. You have to let go with this one. You have done your very best to help mum in law to move forward but its like the saying you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Now you must back off and tell her that you love her but that you and the family must start putting yourselves first, and that she is responsible for her life. You have your own duties to yourselves. Mum will never move on whilst she has you running in circles for her - bless you what a lovely daughter in law you have been. Now its your turn back off stop running around, calling and worrying. She will survive you know. concentrate on your lovely family and husband. Be strong and talk to your husband and agree to be a united front about this for everyones sake and sanity. Get your own life back and start to live again and promise yourself that no-one is ever going to dictate to you again Good luck and best wishes.
2006-10-13 02:39:02 · answer #7 · answered by candy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes people really don't want to move on, and maybe it is just taking her a long time to get over her husband (especially if they were very close.) Have a dinner at your home inviting over some people her age to meet-maybe she will find something in common with them. I also think that sometimes we just have to learn to accept people the way they are as difficult as that is. If you don't see her real often maybe her being a pain and such can just be overlooked and learn to laugh about it, find the humorous side of it.
2006-10-13 02:35:28 · answer #8 · answered by me 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a really difficult situation that must be approached carefully. Try to get her to integrate into social environments again and maybe join clubs etc. Even simple things like being more assertive in the local supermarket!
Then once she realises what she has been missing, she'll gradually start to build her life up.
2006-10-13 02:31:34 · answer #9 · answered by whocaresaboutusnow 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ask her to go do something, shopping, bingo, what ever! Get her out there and to see what life has to offer... i know it might take time on your part but get her around others she can become friends with... yes its sneaky... but she will feel as though she wont have to pry if your willing to spend time with her and she will make new friends in the process... take classes for cake decorating... go to a craft store that has classes on how to paint and make things... Micheals has classes and i believe home depot does too... ask her if she wants to paint a room in her house... it will get her motovated to do spend her time on something just for her... more then likely she just feels uneeded... so she overwelms you two with the fact that she can be needed... needed to help make desisions with your kids... needed by helping you rearange your kitchen... make life desisions... what ever shes pushing... let her feel as though you two can be friends.. after she opens up to you more maybe you can talk to her about what bothered you hopefully in the past and what you tried to do to help her feel needed and wanted at the appropriate times.... you just wanted to help her not completely reject her... that tells her that you love her and you care about her... and that your truely part of the family :) Trust me i had to do this with my own mom... its frustrating at first but she will lay off after a while :) Good Luck!!
2006-10-13 02:36:45 · answer #10 · answered by chrystal_lynn2002 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Greaving can take a lifetime, there is no time limit. For the person who said get over the past.....you obviously havent lost anyone close to you. Try to make her feel wanted and suggest places she can go to meet people her own age.
2006-10-13 02:41:27 · answer #11 · answered by Annie M 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋