Married 13+ years. He recently lost his job of 8 years and has NOT been looking for another one AT ALL. He watches TV all day, maybe tinkers with things. He's also an alcoholic. He's not violent, just goofy and forgetful when he's drinking. Also, the affection is about nill. It seems that it's become a birthday present for me the last 3 years. Yes, annually is ALL. We have a teenage daughter, too. I just want to be happy again.
2006-10-13 02:18:42 · 17 answers · asked by ? 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I've talked many times about a marriage counselor. He won't go. We've talked many times about his drinking. He considers himself a "functioning alcoholic" because (when he had a job) he never drank before or at work. He doesn't seem to have equipment failure, so to speak. He just turns me down time after time with what I think of as typical wife excuses (too tired, headache, not in the mood, etc.). That in and of itself makes me feel unattractive, unimportant, and slutty. Every day, I look for an excuse not to come straight home from work because it depresses me so much to just be around him.
2006-10-13 02:38:55 · update #1
He lost his job at the end of September. The lack of affection thing has been going on for years along with the alcoholism.
2006-10-13 02:41:14 · update #2
Well first of all it is never time to call it quits until you have talked it over with him. Sit him down, face to face, when he is sober and spell it out. Tell him you feel the marriage is a sham, and you are unhappy. See if you can find a spark in there. You cannot expect a situation to change if you do not tell him to change it.
If that does not work, try counseling. Go to a marriage counselor. I assure you that there are things you need to change in the relationship too. The counselor may suggest he go in for individual counseling as well.
As for the job, what are you doing for money? His pride is probably hurt, which is a reason not an excuse. He is also probably proud. He does not want, after the years he has put in and his age, to take a job that is "beneath" him. Try helping him search for a job. Remind him of the financial pinch you guys are falling into. Tell him to find something now for an income, and keep looking for the job that is right. Also do you have a job? If not maybe you could get one to help as well until he gets on his feet. If you already have one, use that to shame him a little.
All in all I would never advocate staying in an unhealthy marriage. But I also think that these days people look too much as marriages being disposable. Times will not always be perfect, and you sometimes need to ride them out. It sounds like he has some serious problems. He probably needs you now more than ever. Be there for him, but push him to get the help he needs. If he refuses, and you have put in the effort both of you deserve, then move on. It may be part of his hitting rock bottom he needs to get help for his problems. Good luck, this is a tough road you are walking.
2006-10-13 02:42:33 · answer #1 · answered by Craig B 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well you are now experiencing the worse part of for better or worse. As a man who lost his job after 8 years he has to feel pretty worthless, he needs your support and not for you to turn your back on him. I dont mean he needs you to nag him, just let him know how much he means to you and that the family needs him. I would suggest that you seek some counseling so that you can find the best ways to motivate him and get him out of this slump. Your daughter needs the stability of both parents in the household. As to the drinking part maybe you should join a group for spouses of alcoholics. Dont give up just because it would be easier.
2006-10-13 09:36:45 · answer #2 · answered by mark f 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dealing with a rusty marriage and an alcoholic has to be real
tough. Are you able to talk together? That is so necessary to
be able to get it all out and don't just hold in your feelings. If
neither of you know how the other is feeling, there is no starting
point to remake your marriage. If you have tried your best and
there is no hope, then you need to move ahead. You are wasting
some good years, the best years if you are just idling.
2006-10-13 09:25:31 · answer #3 · answered by Bethany 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Mark f. - there are many alternatives to calling it quits. It does sound like a tough situation, but it is workable and yes, this is part of the "worse," in your marriage vows. You can ride out the storm. Start taking care of you, you go to counseling, you go to "AA," you get healthy, you take care of your daughter, you love and support him as best you can. Do you have a relationship with Jesus? He is the best source of comfort, strength, peace and the best counselor there is, read His word, the Bible. If you're not open to that, explore the other ideas. Once your husband sees you moving on and changing and so on, he just might get a move on. oh, and no nagging! I know it's tempting - but do not nag him! Men seem to move in the opposite direction of our nagging - don't do it. Good girl. You can do it! I'll keep you guys in prayer. Plus, it will be good role modeling for your daughter to see how you handle this - she is watching.
2006-10-13 14:26:04 · answer #4 · answered by Forever 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would first sit down and talk to him about it...the job (he does not have), the drinking, the affection... If he just blows you off, tell him that he needs to get a job and soon and he needs to get some help for his drinking or you are gone... Give him a deadline to make changes and hold to it. The lack of affection can be tied to his drinking I can assure you...get him off the bottle and things will start to work again and he may actually want to use it...
2006-10-13 09:26:41 · answer #5 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Staying in this kind of marriage is wasting your time. You CAN be happy once you clean the closet so to speak. Tell you rhusband how your feeling. Then wait 2 months. If this doesn't get any better move on to a relationship that will nurture your love.
2006-10-13 09:32:15 · answer #6 · answered by arl21amber 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You husband may need treatment for depression. Have him schedule an appointment with his doctor for a complete checkup. Also, insist he go to AA meetings. And the 2 of you should seek marriage counseling before deciding to end your 13 year marriage.
2006-10-13 09:21:36 · answer #7 · answered by kja63 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it takes TWO to make a marriage work. I would say the time to call it quits is near and you need to discuss this with your husband. Let him know exactly how you feel (maybe he feels the same way). If things don't improve within a given time frame, it's time to say goodbye.
2006-10-13 09:21:41 · answer #8 · answered by Decoy Duck 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but I don't support a man especially one that's capable of working longer and harder hours than I do. I'd of called it quits the first time he sat on his *** and refused to find another job.
2006-10-13 09:21:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's time to call it quits when you wake up in the morning and forget who you are because you are living a routine and not a life.
2006-10-13 09:21:26 · answer #10 · answered by VNCGirl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋