Anyone else feel this way about your sick husband?

Question

My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two years ago. He has had two surgeries since then. The whipple and surgery to remove three hernias. He complains everyday about pain in his stomach, back or legs. He doesn't take his medication like he is supposed to. And he could have gotten full disability benefits if he had applied. Half the time he can't make it to work a full week because of his pains. And with all our bills we really need two incomes. I'm tired of all his crap though. I don't want him to be in pain but it doesn't seem like he's trying to help himself or me. When we first got married he was reluctant and said he didn't want to end up in a divorce. I promised I'd never divorce him and I've never broken a promise but the longer I stay the harder it gets. I'm tired of babying him because he loves sympathy and tends to play on it with me and others. So tell me what you think.

I've talked to him about seeing a counselor. He says he doesn't need one. And I do love him as a person but honestly I married him for convenience. There has been no intimacy for years. Long before he got sick. And I don't mean just physically.

I've tried talking to him in a calm manner and yelling about the disability issue neither helps. He agrees with me but continues on the same path. Honestly I feel he is being selfish. No kids at home but two dogs. Which he doesn't want to part with even if we can't afford their shots now.

Answer 1

Promises are sacred to you. You don't make them unless you know you can keep them. You may be able to keep the promise you made to him, but he needs to know that you're going to break it if he doesn't get the help he needs. You've helped him, but he needs to help himself. If he can't promise to do that, then you should break your promise. Don't let a promise break you.

Answer 2

When I was pregnant, I got extremely nausious around my husband because he smokes. As soon as he left I felt better. I loved that I felt like a super hero with my extra stronge smelling ability haha, but that was the only down fall. But it wasn't just my smoke smelling husband, I would get nausious around other people as well. Even if your husband isn't a smoker or doesn't wear strong after shave or cologne, people have different smells to them that come from there sweat glands depending on there diet. Which a pregnant woman will definitly be affected by. So if its not cologne/ciggs etc, it could just be his natural scent.

Answer 3

This is indeed very complex situation.. Any reply we provide may not provide you the exact solution that you are looking for::

Your current mental state is that on one hand you dont want to leave him on his fate because you love him and you have spent your life with him.... On the other hand you are really fed up with his prolonged sickness and top of all he is not managing himself or his sickness...

People can speak on either side... and they may sound true...

This is indeed a cruicial decision and what i believe is you should not leave him on his fate instead:

(1) You should seek some advise of some counsellor and have some sittings with him.. if you can not pay for the counsellor find out some free organizations who can assist you.. by doing so at least he will start helping himself..

(2) As you have been doing uptill now try to assure him that you will be with him under all circumstances..

(3) I am saying this considering the views that whenever we are put in such complex situation we should put our feel in the other ones' shoes... if you were sick and if your partner leaves you leaving to your fate... will it be okay?? May be it is okay for some people reading in this group but they think in that way because they have never faced such situation...

(4) Now if you feel your physical needs remain unsatisfied because of his illness then find out some other way and keep it with you only. And yes do it without any feeling of guilt... This is the real face of life..

Answer 4

Why are you playing the victim. This is awful and backs up the fact that we are truly alone in this world. It's human nature to have a thought like this pop up in one's head sometimes, but this seems like these are your true thoughts(especially since you asked it on here). Women claim their fame due to being compassionate, but really when you break it down... no one is. I guarantee you won't find a nice guy in the future if he knows the info you've given us.

- I know because I went from benching 300 lbs to barely able to do a few pushups and having herniating discs in back, Vertigo and all sorts of sh-t happen to me within a 3 month period(I thought I was dying). I was treated the same as you are treating him. Fortunately for me, it was toxic mold exposure from an office I was working at. Not long term. I learned that some people who I thought was friends weren't really, only when things are going good.

Answer 5

This is a toughie ... One side, he SHOULD be taking his medication. If he is having a substantial amount of pain, he needs to go to the doctor. There is probably more wrong than he thinks, but not taking his medications isn't making him any better, because you say he isn't taking them. ... On the other side, you should show a little more compassion. Going through what he has gone through, only he knows about, because you have not gone through it. Put yourself in his shoes, you would want to believe that he would have compassion for you, right? I would hope so. He is a cancer survivor, he's had surgeries, and on top of that he's experiencing pain. I think your husband is trying to reach out, and it's hard for him. ... I just think you both should sit down and talk about this. Question him on why he isn't taking his medications. Explain to him how you are feeling, BUT also listen to him and his feelings. You may find more than what you are saying here. When you said he didn't go to get full disability, did you ever think that maybe he didn't want to, because he felt that he could work and provide like a *man.* Most men do that. What I mean by that is, most men want to be the person who provides, it makes them feel better, it makes them feel like a man. Hard to explain, but it just is. I read in your post that you said, "It seems he isn't trying to help himself or ME." Although this is about you too, because you both are married, but think of it in this perspective......he needs to start by helping himself. This sounds selfish, but it isn't. I would think he wants to be what he once was, and he just doesn't know what to do. It has got to be hard for him. He just went through something 2 years ago that I don't think I could deal with. It is very hard and stressful to go through something he went through. Basically, you don't want him to choose. If you were to stand up to him and say, "If you don't do this or that, I'm walking out." Don't do that. Stand up to him and talk to him. Tell him what you feel. Don't give him an ultimatum, but just tell him that you love him and care for him. You are going to be here for him forever and promise him that. You don't have to baby him, stand up to him and tell him "I want to help you!" Don't leave him. He needs you just as much as you need him.

Answer 6

It must be tough to be in a situation like this with someone that you love. Trust me when I say, babying only breeds babies. Pain does not eliminate responsibility, and the world (nor bills.) stop for anyone no matter the situation. You need to tell him how you feel, be completely honest and blunt. Don't allow him to guilt trip you. You need to make it clear to him that he needs to do everything in his power to take care of his responsibility, and if that's filing for disability then that's what he needs to do. What more can I say? Communication is key, try asking him what you asked us in this post. Let him answer it and see how he reacts. From there I trust your judgment.

Answer 7

Never make a promise you can't keep! My idea would be, don't baby him, try to pretend he doesn't exist. I know that will be hard, but when he starts complaning, say "Your still alive, you could be dead" and there are worse people out there, that have no one in there life to care for. Don't give in to his sympathy, cause the more he said's things to you, the more you get upset with yourself. I would just change the subject and when friends are over, talk about other things. If it doesn't work out, tell him your packing and moving and going on with your life. You have had it, call his bluff, maybe then he will wake up and know that you mean business and maybe he'll get off his butt and do something

Answer 8

sorry but if he isn't willing to help himself which is the main thing there's no point. you can't make someone help themself... and it's hurting you as well.
If it's just a marriage of convience, you should just leave.. there's no point in staying and dragging yourself through the crapper.. you shouldn't have gotten married just for convience either. Marriage is a partnership and is based on love and trust and friendship.. you have none of that.
So it doesn't matter if you get a divorce because you already violated the sanctuary of marriage. Just leave and next time only get married if you love the person!

Answer 9

i think if u need 2 incomes and u can't get 2 incomes cos he is seriously ill u should reduce your spending. u have 2 cars? sell one. u live in a large house? go to smaller one. u eat too much gourmey food? eat simple food. it is all achievable. it doesn't look like your man is faking his illness - cancer is the worst desease ever. u should have compassion. who says life is easy and should be a paradise? **** happens to all of us sooner or later. u made a promise when u were getting married to stay with him in illness and health - so stay with him in illness. think if it were u on his place and he would tell u "u can't work as a horse - i get rid of u". it really relly doesn't sound so nice

Answer 10

yes , some people are like that .you could take control . you could file the papers needed for disability benefits for him . if he will not do it . where are all kinds of places out there that can help you . like food stamps . help with your bills. i would just tell him . that you are going to take control of this . and do what you need to do . and i know you can not make a person take their meds . so tell him if he don't . that you just don't want to hear about it . do your paper work . go on some long walks then decide what you want to do .