Am I over reacting or is he gay? (gay men or women with the same experience please)?

Question

I have been with my b/f for a year. Early in our relationship I found out that he was having on-line sexual conversations with gay men. I snuck into his e-mail account and read all the conversations with these guys. I told my b/f friend about it and how hurt and confused I was by this. He assured me that it was just a strange fantasy that be liked to masterbate to sometime. By reviewing the e-mails with him, he showed me how he had never met anyone the guys in preson, that it was in fact just a masterbation tool. All this was about 9mos ago. Tonight I found out that he has a gay ad out on yahoo. Again it was an ad to "have a good time". We have never had sex because we both felt that it was important to wait til marriage. So I can't really tell you anything as far as that goes. Other than this we have a great relationship. I guess my question is, Is it possible that he has these sexual fantasies or is he gay By the way he is 35

After the first time we had a long conversation about it. I asked if he had ever done anything with a guy and he said that he when out on a date once and that he could never be with a man in reality. He said it was just a cyber-sex thing. I have asked he and have offered to give him his first "gay sex" and he was in no way interested in doing it in real life

Answer 1

It could be that he is bisexual and just doesn't want to tell you or perhaps he doesn't want to admit it to himself.But clearly he has an interest and perhaps even more then an interest.I am gay and have been with the same man for five years and I can honestly tell you that if I knew he was cruising websites and placing ads, regardless of what sex it was aimed at, it would affect our relationship.

My thought is this, if he wants love and has love then he should go where the love is but if he has desires that are not with you and is actively pursuing them with others then his heart is not ready for love or your relationship might need an adjustment.

Most people have a hard time at the idea of an open relationship.but some couples manage to have an open relationship and it makes their own relationship stronger.I am not saying that is what you should do but it is a possibility.

Open relationships take on all kinds of forms.You could have occasional three ways or he could be free to pursue his "other" desires randomly but with your knowledge and acceptance.In turn you would be free to explore your own needs that perhaps he isn't fulfilling.

But many people might find this to hard to deal with.My suggestion is you really talk with him and be understanding.Let him know that you love him and let him know what you expect.The relationship can only work with communication, honesty, and trust.Without these factors your relationship is doom to fail.

Answer 2

I am appalled at the abysmal ignorance I've seen in most of these answers. Doesn't anyone make any attempt to learn anything? First of all, almost all psychiatrist today realize that sexual orientation (gay or straight) is a NORMAL part of a person. It is nothing to be cured. It is a normal part of the diversity of human creation. Next -- a person does NOT BECOME gay because of abnormal lust or anything like that. And whoever expresses these views is just showing their ignorance. A person does NOT chose their sexual orientation for any reason. As for "using prayer" etc etc to "cure" being gay. Or any other of these EX-gay ministries -- all these are doing is causing misery, pain, and even suicide. I was at an ex-gay survivors conference last June and one of the speakers there was one of the actual founders of Exodus International. And after years of seeing failure and what these ex-gay ministries actually do to people he is now totally against what he had once helped to start. PLEASE. READ! There is a lot out there. Find out for yourselves! Here are just a few authors: Mel White Jeannine Graamick Andrew Sullivan Liuis Crompton* Robert Nugent Heffrey S. Siker (ed.) Charles Curran Mark Jordan Carlos A. Ball Dawne Moon Brian McNaught Patricia Beattie Jung Letha Dawson Scanzoni Ronald E. Long John Boswell Bart D. Ehrman Rev. Jeff Miner John Tyler Connoley Robin Scroggs John J. McNeill A.W.Richard Sipe John Shelby Spong* Michael J. Bayly Deniel A. Helminiak Louis E.Newman Margaret A.Farley Christopher Hubble David G. Myers Letha Dawson Scanzoni Helen Ellerbe Richard McCirmuck,S.J. George Chauncey Pat Furey Jack Rogers Dan O. Via Heinz J.Vogels Theodore W. Jennings,Jr. Francis Mark Mondimore And there are many more. Please learn!

Answer 3

He is most likely either gay or bisexual at the very least.

Whatever his sexual orientation, his online activities (including the personal ad) should cause you some concern.

I would confront him yet again on the issue- tell him your true feelings regarding the whole affair.

Tell him that you think your relationship is great otherwise, but you don't want to be in one where you feel marginalized, used, or deceived. You want what's best for both of you, and that he should too. Ask him what he wants to do or what his feelings are on everything. Tell him your concerns and see what his reaction is. This should tell you what you need to know.

Stay strong in this confusing and conflicting time. Be strong within yourself, and express your true emotions ( including perhaps dismay, shock, or anger) without taking it out on him unduly or irrationally or by making him feel like he's on the defensive or by being hostile or hurtful to him.

But also make it clear that you feel that a healthy and honest relationship is one where he is being totally honest and upfront with you. You deserve that, just as he does. And having that will save you much grief and loss later down the road.

Good luck! Stay strong.

Answer 4

I am bisexual and I have to tell you, he is bisexual in the least or homosexual at most.

He has not had sex with you, Has he had sex wiht any woman? Did he enjoy it?
He is fighting his sexuality.
I did the same thing. He thinks it is OK but he will eventually succumb to temptation. I feel like I am betraying him to tell you this, but it is not his fault he can not help it and he i am sure even really does love you, but he will not be able to fight his compulsion all his life. eventually it will get stronger the longer he denies it. I would either get comfortable wiht the idea that he will eventually have some form of sexual relationship (maybe just masturbation ) with a guy, or I woudl find soemone else. Tell him he is welcome to emal me about this I will be gald to help him decide what he needs to do.
I wish to God I had been stronger in my self and never gotten married I have caused my wife so much pain.
We are still together because she has excepted that I need to have a sexual relationship with a man. I have a male partner and she is OK with it for now I do not know if that will continue but for now she is willing to let me have the man I love and stay with the woman I love. I know this is a gift and I know most will not understand it but We love each other that much. My buddy is thankful she is willing to give us this as well.

I am being completely open and honest here and I firmly believe he will have a sexual relationship wiht a man eventually because his actiosn mimic mine when I was much younger and in denial.

He will not accept what you tell him he will tell you that it is just a jack off tool and for now he is telling you the truth and I am just speaking from my painful experience he is having his own private hell with this and you need to have pity on him he is not doing this on purpose love him he needs it but love yourself too and if you can not live with the thought that eventually he will find another then you need to break up with him and tell him to seek therapy to find out more about his self.

I will pray for you both.

I am g0y I am bisexual I am married and I am a Christian
Love
Randy

Answer 5

Whatever he is, he is doing these things behind your back and that's not good if you are hurt by it! So he is not honest, no matter if it is just fantasies for him or he wants to act it out in reality.
If he would date and have sexual experiences with men, but refuses to have sex with you, that is a big sign that you have a problem!
I think the two of you should really talk about this, because IF he is gay and you are going to be married, both of you will not get happy out of that. So this might be a big thing, for the both of you.
Maybe he is confused about who he is. He might be frightened to hurt you, or to loose you. That is even more of a reason to talk and communicate!
Good luck to the both of you.

Answer 6

I would say he's probably bisexual but he might be gay. Either way, I'd be very concerned. I am bisexual myself and I know that bisexuals can have long-lasting monogamous relationships but he needs to be honest for that to happen. It looks like he has more interest in men than women at this point. He needs to face up to the fact that he is showing a pattern of sexual arousal with men. Straight men are not aroused by other men. They may become aroused in the presence of other men but their focus is on a woman or a fetish item not the other man.

Answer 7

I can't say that I've had the experience, but I would have to say that it sounds like he's gay. I'm not just saying this because I think everyone is gay, but it really sounds like it he really is. I honestly believe I could be happy in a relationship with a woman, but it would be more platonic and not sexual. That's how I came to the conclusion that I was gay.

Answer 8

Maybe he is bisexual... or maybe his fantasies about guys are sexual and not romantic/could never see himself actually dating a guy. If he put a gay add out in yahoo... you have the right to know. You should talk to him and tell him you'll understand but you can not date him if he has sex with another man- that is cheating.

Answer 9

I don't know if he knows what he is. It's a little confusing. He may be doing it to get his fill while you wait to get married but marrying a cheating person ain't the way to do it.

Maybe he has this weird fascination with it. You could maybe see if he wants to try it with someone and then it would put both your minds at ease.

It doesn't mean he's gay. He may be bi or just bi curious. I guess that then leads to where to go then.

Answer 10

accept it u shud make sure ur bf know that u are willing to do it. he didnt tell u about his ad cuz he knew u wasnt down . u shud let him do it in front of u so he wont sneak.

but trust once he gets the forbidden fruit he wont be able to live without it and will probably leave u for a man later. so hes not marriage material though so dont get caught up.

dont break up just chill for a while but let him know u are ok with it. u gotta let him be a freak if u dont want to get cheated on girl .