please read my story, and tell me what u think...please?

Question

Woken Up in the Year 3000




“Jon time for bed,” his mom said. Jon went to bed like any other night. It was Saturday, and like any other Saturday, when his mom told him to go to bed he went, but read comics for hours. Jon’s sister Jenny had long since gone to bed. She had the flu, and the doctor said that she should get plenty of rest
Jon was twelve and Jenny was eight. They lived in Manhattan, New York with their mom. Jon had blue eyes with brown hair, and Jenny had green eyes with blond hair. Jon and Jenny had moved to New York one year ago. They used to live in Organ.
“Jon wake up, it’s time for school.” That is what Jon heard coming out of his radio. “mom!” Jon screamed, “Where are you?” Then the radio started to talk to him. Then the radio started to talk to him again. “Your mother has gone to work,” it said in a rather robot like voice. At first Jon was scared to talk to the radio, but he decided to anyway.” who are you?” Jon asked. “I am Roboradio 3000, just in tome for the year 3000,” the radio said. “Year 3000?” Jon asked. “Why yes," it said, "today is January 3, 3000." Jon, not believing what the robot was saying decided to look out his window. He pealed the curtains to the side and peered out. "Oh my gosh!" he screamed in surprise, "why is there flying cars, and a big black cloud over the city?" The city had very large buildings, with rocket terminals at each floor. "I'm dreaming," Jon said. "I know I am," he said. He would not stop repeating is. "Sir, sir," the radio said starting to raise its voice, "you are not dreaming, it's all real."
Jon took a few deep breaths, and tried to calm himself down. It seemed to Jon that his house looked just as it was before he went to bed. Since Jon did not feel comfortable talking to the radio, he decided to wake up his sister, and ask her if she knew anything. He went to her room however, the door was closed. “She never shuts her door,” he thought. He opened the door. The room was empty! He quickly ran back to his room.
“Where’s my sister?” He screamed at the radio. “Sister,” the radio said. “You don’t have a sister!” Jon said angrily, “I have a sister, and her name is Jenny!”


“Sir I think you should lie down, you are very ill,” the radio said. “I am not ill and stop calling me sir,” said Jon. “Now, I want to call my mom,” Jon said. “You can’t,” the radio said. “I won’t let you!”
Suddenly Jon screamed in a panic. De ran down to the first floor of his house, and grabbed the phone. He dialed 911, but after it rang a few times, a recorded voice came on saying that the number was invalid, and not in service. He screamed in horror. He was panicking too much. He took a few deep breathes to try to calm himself down. He glanced at the fridge and saw that there was a picture of when he went to Disney World with his mom and sister. Jon had noticed something wrong about the picture. His sister was not in it! At that point, he knew something happened to his sister. Next to the picture was a note. It read, “Jon if you need me call my cell # is 910-3000. Jon quickly picked up the phone and dialed the number. The phone rang until finally an answering machine picked up. It did not say anything but it just made noises then beeped. “Mom, Jon said. “Where are you, call the house soon ok?” Jon hung up. Moments later, the phone rang.
“Hello,” Jon said. “Jon, its mom,” Jon’s mom said. “Mom where’s my sister?” Jon said. Jon’s mom told him that he did not have a sister. Jon was sick and tired of getting the run around. He decided to look for his sister on his own.
Jon did not know where to start, but he decided to go to his sister’s school. When he got to her school, he decided to go to the office. He told the staff workers in the office his sisters name. Then they looked on the computers, but it showed that she did not exist! Jon decided to go to the park where his sister loved to be. When he got there it was not a park, it was the city’s solar power generators. Just as Jon had lost all his hope he saw someone through the corner of his eye. He was sure it was his sister. As Jon looked back for a second look, the person was gone. Join started running toward where he saw the person, and he finally caught up to it. Sure enough it was his sister! “Jenny,” Jon asked. At first, Jenny did not answer. Then she said, “Yes.” “Um, no one thinks that you exist.” Jon said. “I know,” Jenny said. “Last night I was looking at a few old pictures albums, and around 11:30pm my face disappeared from all the pictures.” After that, Jenny started to cry. “I was transported out of the house, and I can’t remember anything else,” Jenny said. Jon could not help but believe what he was hearing. “Let’s go home.” Jon said. “Mom should be home by now.”




As they walked home, Jenny was crying, the whole way. When they got home sure enough, their mom was there. “Hello Jon, who is your friend?” Jon’s mom asked. “Mom this is your daughter.” Jon started to raise his voice. As Jon was saying that Jenny started to cry. “Jon, this is not my daughter!” Jon’s mom said. “Well then, she needs a place to stay and she’s staying here.” Jon said angrily. Something inside of Jon’s mom told her to let Jenny stay. “Fine,” Jon’s mom said. They ate dinner and went to bed. The next morning Jon woke up first, surprised that there was not a talking radio to wake him up. He went into his sister’s room and everything was in place as it had been two days ago. It was as if yesterday never happened. He looked outside of his window and did not see flying cars it was the year 2006 again!






THE END

Answer 1

Very nice story, but I think U should've made the end a little more interesting. U used the same words more than twice, and next time check for a few synonyms of the same word. This is the comment I got in my school when I wrote a story. A few mispellings were found, and a little grammartical errors. But, other than counting mistakes, IT WAS AN EXCELLENT STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THNX FOR THE TALE, I WAS REALLY BORED!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

I liked it! At first, while I was reading, I thought.. its too bad none of this actually happens to people in real life. I mean, I would not want to wake up and find that everyone thought I was crazy for asking about a sister that did not exist, but the idea of seeing what the year 3000 is like while living in the year 2006 seems adventurous.

I also liked that I could not predict what would happen next. I thought that maybe the story would be solely about a dream, but it could have been reality too. It is one of those things that nobody will ever know. Was the radio a personified piece of equipment, or was it an actual person talking through future electronics. That is creepy in of itself. Furthermore, as I got closer towards the end of the story, I thought that the conclusion might be open ended, without an outcome, but you were able to sum up the story quite well within a paragraph. The ending was happy, but still a little creepy as, like I said before, you will never know for sure if that was a dream or not.

This will give me something to look forward to when I close my eyes tonight.
:)

Also, there were a few typos... not too many though. Good job.

Answer 3

I would suugest you put this in Word and get rid of some slight grammatical errors. Reread the story and find things that don't need repeating or to be said. For example, when you write about Jon the sentence that follows does not need you to write Jon. You can easily put he instead.

Answer 4

Not bad, you want to write professionally. I like the story, Oregon is the name , and the peoples names are used too much. Its a bit long, you might want to tell the story in an abbreviated form, or think of ways to make it a little easier to follow. You take journalism in high school?

Answer 5

Depending on your age this is a excellent story! You will be a great writer one day. Will I be buying novels with your name on it? I hope so. Stay in school and keep writing! From one writer to another. Maybe you will see a novel from me too! :0)

Answer 6

VERY VERY NICE. Keep up the good work. Imagination and the gift of being able to put it on paper is a wonderful thing to have and share..

Answer 7

Interesting...

Answer 8

If it's for school, spell check it first. I found a few errors in the first couple paragraphs. Good.

Answer 9

its very nice but no logic,
u take care