Ok...I'll try to sum up 5 years in a paragraph. I was with my ex-girlfriend for the past 5 yrs. We were engaged to be married this month. However, 3 months ago she came home & told me she wasn't in love with me anymore & that she didn't want to get married. As you can imagine that was a bit of a shock. Over the next few days I found out that she was already dating another guy. Well, that explains that part. Over the next couple months we talked maybe 3 times.
2 weeks ago she broke up with the new guy & called me. She said that she still cared about me and didn't want to lose me as a friend. That she still loved me, my family, and my daughter (who over the past 5 years had basically become her daughter) but that she still didn't want to be together. I didn't really know what to do & took the past 2 weeks to debate the situation. Well, earlier I called her & told her that I couldn't do that. I couldn't just go from being with someone for 5 years, to being friends. Any suggestions???
2006-10-12 16:01:29 · 25 answers · asked by Confused_Guy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No second chances. All you will do is hurt your daughter even more. Find one that isn't a flake.
2006-10-12 16:04:04 · answer #1 · answered by ? 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, I would like to first say that the decency here is that she realized what she didn't want and was honest with you instead of lying and leading you on. I know you must think it is hard to accept the feeling of disbandment to you and your child however, a relationship has no real commitment (like marriage). I can understand that you wouldn't want to remain friends with her because of the feelings of betrayal and I know you still have really deep feelings of love for her just as equally as the bad ones. I must say though that for every relationship there is a season and as you know the seasons always change from time to time but you will eventually have a beautiful harvest year after year (she was just a building block for something better). Don't discredit her as a friend or immediately write her out of your daughters life, she can still be a crutch to help you get on, get over, and provide that mother figure or mentor to your daughter and provide guidance (your daughter may still want her around in some way rather than not at all). If it is meant to be, in time she'll be yours, don't blame yourself or even question her decision (I know it's hard to not question its human nature). Good Luck and God Bless you and your daughter.
2006-10-12 23:28:21 · answer #2 · answered by souljagirpart2 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is experiencing sadness from losing a relationship she once cared about deeply enough to invest so much time in. It is selfish of her to expect you to still invest in some sort of friendship - probably so she can avoid some feelings of guilt and sadness. Yes, of course, overwhelmingly, did you do the right thing. I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry your daughter has been jilted by the dysfunction of someone who has a lot to learn about life.
You have shown a deep respect for yourself by setting limits with her and to not allow her to continue to hurt you over and over. I am sure you still feel sad as well, and remember we never 'get over' any relationship in which we've loved. We learn to not focus on the hurt from losing, but we always remember how we loved. It's normal to still feel love, but to be mature means you know when to stop creating more chaos for your ex and yourself, and especially, the children involved. Again, you are dead on. And please, remember that with all the hurt she is going through you have a child who has basically lost a mother figure. Teach her that what your ex has done is not okay, teach her morals by setting a good example. This is what you are showing her now by having the spine you do to say enough is enough.
And in the future I would keep the girls out of her life until they prove they are ready to commit and be responsible. This is hard to tell so I would take time, say months or years before you introduce a new date to her. And then do not accept anything less than a commitment in marriage before you let someone else love your child. This kind of detriment can have a terrible effect on her, and it might not be apparent now but show up later in her teen years. Nothing is more important than she is right now. Thank you for being a man.
And I'd like to add that the post before me is also an excellent read. Denise is right on. Do the counseling, you'd be amazed how helpful this will be for you both. Don't under-estimate the amount of damage this woman has done to you both spiritually.
2006-10-12 23:23:22 · answer #3 · answered by DanaZ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
after 5 years its hard to just walk away from someone. I think what happened is that she realized in a few short months she would be committed to someone for the rest of her life. Marriage is a really big step. I think what happened is she just got scared and she still is. i think that she loves you and the girl but just doesnt know how to handle her feelings. Maybe you should talk to her and ask her if she would like to remain friends and try to work things out with no pressure. Put away the wedding rings and call of the wedding undefinally. See where things take you. If in a while she still feels like things arent working then yall could go back to being just friends. Tell her that you want her to still be apart of your childs life. That the little girl doesnt deserve to have her 'Mom" taken away from her and that they still can continue to have a healthy mom-daughter relationship even if you arent together. Dont give up on her just like that. Sometimes a women needs time to get her thoughts together. Good luck with everything.
2006-10-12 23:15:01 · answer #4 · answered by crystalyn129 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Friendship after so much history can be difficult to accomplish. There are so many things that can cause confusion in such a situation. Not to mention, you need to be careful as you have a daughter and it can get even more confusing for her. I would say that if you're seriously thinking about pursuing this friendship, that you need to start it extremely slow. Just talk over the phone once a week, or just e-mail each other every once in a while. Keep your distance for a bit, and try to set rules that will make the friendship work.
If you decide not to pursue this friendship, remember that she was the one that left you. You don't owe her anything and she needs to respect your decision if you don't want her to be part of your life.
2006-10-12 23:15:17 · answer #5 · answered by hawkeye847 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You meant it when you told her that you loved her and so you are willing to overlook what she did. However, you must think of your daughter first and always. A woman who she grew to know as her mother abandoned her and her father. What kind of an example is that for her? What long time effect do you think it will play in her life. She called you on the rebound. Don't allow her to use you like a doormat. If in truth you were her husband and the child her birth child then you might have a reason to try and work things out. However, neither of the aforementioned reasons apply. It is sad that you invested so much of yourself in a relationship with a woman with a complete disrespect and disregard for your feelings. No a friendship is not appropriate and it is wrong for the child. Cut her out of both of your lives before she does further damage. Good Luck
2006-10-12 23:49:33 · answer #6 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Difficult situation.... personally, she left - she made her decision... I wouldn't go back - because things would never be the same. I would have a hard time just being friends - as that's not what your relationship was based on - I don't think it would be healthy for your daughter either. This woman doesn't sound all that stable. You should give yourself and your daughter a chance to find someone that would fulfill your needs. It will happen. When you close a door - a window opens.
2006-10-12 23:05:40 · answer #7 · answered by longhats 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
WOW....the pain is still fresh I am sure. my heart goes out to you, her lose really. look u have a daughter, she needs to have a good example of how people should be treated and respected. ur daughter comes first for she will always be ur #1 girl. now this coward of an ex, her fault was waiting so long to tell you how she was feeling, why? who knows but what she did cant be undone, when u love somoene u put it all out there, good, bad, indifferent, to work it out as a team. she failed to do that and now not only has she left you hanging with no warning of what was going on in her heart BUT now she "cares about you' and wants to be friends......think about it would u treat a mere friend this way??? no we treat our friends better than we treat our partners sometimes, they are there thru thick and thin, so what makes her think that if she cant be trusted as partner that she could fit in ur life as a friend?????? it will be hard cuz this was dropped in ur lap in a matter of hours when she has known what was going to happen for some time now, give urself time to heal & forgive BUT dont be her mat anymore....move hun
2006-10-12 23:35:32 · answer #8 · answered by iluvluceee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Right on, brother. You've made the decision you needed to make. I realize 5 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, but there's no future for you. She wants a cushion for her future escapades with other guys, someone she can "be friends with" who knows her well, just for comfort--her comfort. She would keep you off balance enough so that you might not think enough about yourself to find someone else. She'd love that. Women change, and sometimes it takes quite awhile for their true colors to come out. It's lucky you found out what you ex-fiance is like now. You've done what you've had to do.
2006-10-12 23:17:03 · answer #9 · answered by Nightwriter21 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you made the correct decision, with her in your life as just a friend sounds unfair to you, after all, she knows how you feel about her. She seems to want this friend thing with you and have the freedom to date others without guilt, and if she does not
find the person she wants, she want to know that you are still there. It Willl not be an easy process to forget her, but already you have taken the first, hard, step. There wil be someone that value
you and your daughter, just hang in there.
2006-10-12 23:09:06 · answer #10 · answered by RY 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You hun have made a great choice. You need to move on cause i would not want to be freinds with someone who tossed you aside. Your daughter will be fine and so will you without her. She made her bed now make her lay in it. She is the one that missed out not you. No need for you to set yourself up for another heart ache. One time of that was enough and atleast you were smart enough to not do it again. HOOOOOOOrrrraaaayyyyy for you...Most men make the same mistakes over and over again...Oh and by the way you are not confused your headed seems to be on just right...Hold your head up and smile cause you have done a good thing...
2006-10-12 23:08:20 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋