My girlfriend keeps asking me when I'm going to marry her, what do I do?

Question

Any time my gf starts poking around THE topic of marriage, I go speechless. We were engaged before, but then we had a huge fight and broke up for about a month. We got back together and I wanted things to go slower this time around. Well It's been about 3 months and every once in a while she'll ask a question to me regarding marriage and "our" future. I go speechless, because I do want to be with her, i just don't want to marry her right now. I want to be more finacially secure before I tie the knot. So I guess the question is...When she asks, how can I tell her how I feel without her getting upset or angry?

Answer 1

She will probably be upset. You should still be honest with her and tell her your not to the point of considering marriage considering the short time you have been together but you would like to work toward a future. Your previous engagement was too soon or you wouldn't have broken up. By being true to yourself you will be true to her. Don't let fear of her being upset prevent you from being honest. If she is the sort to throw a tantrum when she doesn't get her way then she may not be the one for you.

Answer 2

I will open this with a counter to Lily's answer. Being more financially secure is NOT a cop out. The amount of money it costs just to live these days, not even taking children into account is next to rediculous. Before you call something a cop out, I suggest you stop to think about the motivation behind the statement. I do however agree with her suggestion of you both getting seperate places until you know for a fact where everything is at as far as the relationship goes.

She does indeed need to know why you go silent when she brings 'the' topic up, however, and simply staying silent is going to kill any chance at keeping things alive.

One person here said that if she can't handle the truth when you tell her, there is already a problem. If you tell her the truth and she gets all ticked off .. then it is going to make you feel as if you cannot be truthful with her..which will rot a relationship from the inside out at a rapid pace.

She may not get upset though, and you may want to think about that. She may actually respect you all that much more for being so sensible about the whole situation. Let her know what the deal is... on a civil level.. then hear her out and consider what she has to say about it. You both have to work together, while remaining open with eachother in order for things to work.

Answer 3

You might do yourself, & your girlfriend a favour if you started a dialogue on what your marriage would be like. How many children are you goig to have, who's going to work while the kids are growing up, how you are going to handle finances, & save for a house, & car. Do you share the same beliefs, are you in agreement about how much debt you will carry, & when major purchases are made, will it be a joint agreement, or will only one of you be making those decisions.
Those are just a few ideas on some of the things you two should work out BEFORE you decide on getting married. You might be in love with her, but can you live with her. So many couples these days put the emphasis on planning the wedding, & forget all about the marriage until it's too late.
So get into that discussion with her for awhile, she can't get upset or angry as long as you are talking about it, & then you can resolve some of your concerns about getting married at the same time.

Answer 4

Do you see yourself marrying her in the future? If not, tell her and get it over with and stop wasting each other's time. If so, let her know that you do love her and want to marry her but because you love her that you want to secure a future, especially if both of you are planning to have children, which cost alot (diapers, clothes, shoes, college, bigger apt/house, etc). Tell her that you've thought about these things and you don't want her to have to struggle. Now, especially if the 2 of you haven't finished school yet and set in your careers or at least a few years of experience in your careers under your belt. The other thing is if you love her and want to marry her, you have to face the fact that you will never be fully prepared for marriage or children and that there are some happiness where the sacrifice is totally worth it. Best wishes and take care.

Answer 5

Saying "I want to be more financially secure" is a cop out. I doubt that is the real reason and you are using this as an excuse. Be honest and tell her you don't want to get married right now. Which probably a good choice. May I suggest if you are living together you both get your own place. This space apart will help you decide what you really want to do. In the mean time make sure you are using birth control, do not depend on her. It is amazing how many girls "accidentally" get pregnant when when they are trying to rush a guy.

Answer 6

Sorry she pressures you and you are nervous to answer but you do need to discuss it. It hoenstly sounds like you two haven't talked about it since the breakup makeup and so she is unsure.

You need to explain to her that you love her so much you want to do the whole marriage route perfect- finacially secure and well planned.

Do set what you consider financly secure- good job certain pay scale whatever it means to you so she understands you are not making an excuse to put the issue off. Some guys use those types of things to deflect committing so since you are serious give her something concrete regarding what you feel is the right circumstances for you now.

Answer 7

Tell her exactly what you said. Also you didn't say how long you've been together-just that you've been back together for 3 months.

Be careful you aren't stringing her along and hesitating because you don't want to marry her. If you know for sure you don't-break it off.

Also you might want to point out that in the last 6 months you guys broke up for a month. Obviously there are some problems and getting married won't make them go away. You'll just have to get a divorce when things don't work out.

Answer 8

Well first you are very smart to take it slow this time.

You need to tell her exactly how you feel in a non-attacking way. She may be hurt, but she should respect your feelings and if she doesn't ask her, if the tables were turned, wouldn't she want you to understand and be patcient? Honesty is the best to make any relationship work. She feels like she is going to loose you again, that is why she is pushing for an answer to your views on marrying her. If she loves you, she will understand, but you need to know she feels like she is going to loose you again, and she doesn't want that.

And if none of that helps, just tell her July 2011. (give her a date far in the future)... That will give her an answer and let her know that you do want to marry her, just not RIGHT NOW.

Answer 9

Well your heart is in the right place. It does take time and you are right to want to be finacially stable first and it is sad to say this but she is pushing you and that is not good. No matter what you say it sounds like to me she is not going to understand. I think if you told her the reason why she will get angry and might even leave. It is a chance you will have to take. Do not get married until you are ready and if she does not understand then you will have to move on.

Answer 10

There is absolutely nothing wrong w/ you wanting to be financially secure before you get married that is a very good decision that is a big problem for alot of couples these days. I would just tell her say I love you and look forward to spending the rest of my life with you one day but right now I would like to take care of my finances first so that I can give you and our children financial security and if she doesnt like that then dont let her push you into getting married if your not ready.