Why am I not living the life that I want?

Question

I would like to live in a society that uses my potential but I live in one that of constrains...
I would like to have an relationship with a woman that would feel me with energy, but I live with a woman that depresses me even I care about her
I am afraid to ask for what I want and i am polite and compliant with everybody but I feel like actually being forgot and put away

You people that answered me, you are great I keep reading and wonder i read with interest all that you wrote and still write

Answer 1

everyone suffers from this, it is called relative depravation: the feeling that what you have does not live upo what you expect (or have expected) to have.

this is often experienced within minority groups in society, who feel like they are not receiving adequate opportunities, advantages, recognition for acheivements etc. etc.

it is also where a lot of racism within societies come from: the belief that as a majority group memeber you are being deprived of opportunities etc. etc. because of this fact (ie. "all these [insert minority group memebers here] are comming and taking all of OUR jobs!").

i think feeling that we want or deserve more than we have is pretty normal. nobody is EVER really happy with what they have (it is true that the grass is always greener from the other side... something to do with the way the light falls... lol!!).

I think the biggests problem you are experiencing, however, is not that you have nothing in life, but that you are only really attending to the things in life that you don't have or are not happy with. That is not to say that your life is perfectly wonderful, but I think you may find that there are SOME things about your life that are as you would like (ie. you have the strength of chraracter to ask for help and reach out to others when you are unsure of something).

The next step, I would suggest, would be to take some action. You say that you live in a society that hinders your potential. Why are you still there? I presume that your 'potential' is not illegal or immoral, and therfore there will be SOMEWHERE in your town/ country/ world that wants and needs someone with your expertise. Maybe nobody knows about all your wonderful talents? Get out there and SHOW everyone what you're made of!

You say you are in a dysfunctional relationship. Again, why are you in this relationship? Are there reasons beyond the two of you alone (ie. children)? If so, maybe try and see what other positive aspects are comming from your relationship with this woman. If there is no outside reason why you are with this woman it is simple: give her the flick. If you care about yourself or her you would not want to impose an unhealthy relationship on either of you two. You might find that a bit of a break will help you two rekindle what spark you first had and rememeber what drew you to each other in the first place: distance does make the heart grow fonder...

You are obviously not afraid to ask for things otherwise you wouldn't have asked us for your opinion! It takes strength to ask for help, more than you might realise. You have taken the first step towards improving your life, your mindframe, and the lives of others around you.

Congratulations, good luck, and I hope this has helped!

and btw: who keeps on comming on here and giving all these really REALLY good answers thumbs down?! I have seen so many responses here that seem so helpful and insightful that have nothing but a thumbs down. shame.

Answer 2

What life *do* you want? Are there things that you always imagined would happen in your life that have not?

In their lives, some people get to a point when we turn over in bed, look at the person beside us and think, "this is not who I want to be with". Some people sit back in their office chairs and think, "Is this the job I really want?" It's not easy to suddenly realise your life is not necessarily what you thought it would be.

The thing is, everyone gets to the point where they questions what is happening in their lives. It's quite normal and, really, quite healthy! If we just sat back and waited for life to roll over us, we'd be apathetic and boring. However, it's often other people that we believe make us feel trapped and listless, even when it's nothig really to do with the other people. This woman in your life, by the sound of things she's not deliberately setting out to make you feel forgotten and put away; however, if she's suffering from depression she may not realise how you feel.

You need to talk with a counsellor or psychotherapist about your feelings and why you feel so constrained. Or perhaps a friend or family member who you KNOW will give you objective advice. Hearing things from an outside viewpoint is often a way of gaining clarity when we are too close to something.

As for being polite and compliant, you should not confuse those very important characteristics with being subserviant. No-one likes a doormat and I suspect that might be how you are portraying yourself. You can stand up for yourself, you know, but ensure it's not at the expense of others' feelings.

If breaking from this relationship is what you need, then do so with the least amount of hurt to those around you. Next, fix yourself and your self-esteem prior moving to another relationship. One cannot expect others to make us feel happy about life: it is up to each of us to create our own happiness by making wise and kind choices.

Good luck.

Answer 3

You need a healthy dose of self confidence. Why stay with a women who makes you depressed? That's not fair to either of you. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, what is the worst that would happen, the answer would be no? If the answer is no ask some one else. There are very few times what you want is handed to you without you making some effort. Being polite is always a plus,but being compliant is not. Speak up, voice you opinoin, ask questions. You will never learn anything if you do not ask questions.

Answer 4

Maybe you're a masochist, or perhaps, it's just time to get down with the get down, and give yourself an ambush makeover - life division. Maybe instead of focusing on what you want, what makes you happy, you should put your best self "out there" and give to other people. Perhaps too much focus has been on what you want, and maybe you just won't figure that out til you see how the other half lives. Do some meaningful volunteer work - something that requires your heart, your mind, your energy and focus. Dive in. Maybe it's as radical a need as joining the peace corps. But you're really gonna have to shake things up, in order to find out what you're all about. Happy trails into the next adventure - perhaps there you will find your life. I wish you well.

Answer 5

Buddy something in your life went wrong at some point. Belive me all thos problems you describe most probably have nothing to do with your depresion, it's the way you look at your life. Ok enough of science here is more simple stuff.

Right on the paper what you have now.
Put them in the order you got 'em.

(like went to university, you got a job.. met a girl... etc)

Than on another peace of paper wirte what would you like to have or what have you dreamt about... put them in the orfer they should come...
Now compare those to sheets and see where is the discrepancy.
I mean the first one...
Try to figure out what's the reason of the discrepancy..
Now go ahead and fix it.. no matter how crazy it might seem to you, since I understand that it might change whole your lifestyle...what? "the whole lifestyle"?? yes yes this is what I mean... that is what you are not happy with right???
To the first step the chain of events will correct it....

Let me bring you an examply...

When flying a plane on final approach, you find that you are going lets say too low... you are not pulling the nose up, but adding some power which makes the airpseed increese and than, for the treemes aircraft, noses pitches up which results in change of the vertical speed, which, than results in correct altitude....

I did it once in my life... I went back and fixed the wrong link... After couple of monts I was the happiest person ever....

Cheers

Answer 6

First problem: Live in a society that constrains you
Don't listen to the people who constrain you. Most people hate their lives and want you to hate yours, too. It's your choice as to whether you live up to your potential or not. Try to find a friend or two who encourage you. Drop the friends who discourage you, because they aren't really friends.

Second problem: Girlfriend doesn't energize you.
You can't expect other people to lift you up unless you lift yourself up. People treat you the way you treat yourself. You have to be your biggest fan (besides maybe your mother).

Third problem: Afraid to ask for what you want.
People love to help other people. If you ask the average person for help, that person will feel honored and bend over backwards to help you.

Fourth problem: Compliance
This goes back to self-respect. Every time you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else. Make your personal rules and stick to them.

For more information, try checking out www.thesecret.tv

Answer 7

You sound depressed. We all get that way sometime. In my case I started taking care of myself by going to the gym, and consciously choosing what I eat and who I hang out with. When you take care of yourself, you feel better about yourself and it will show. Others will start noticing the change in you as well. By the way, there are some self confident classes that you can take that will do you wonder. There is an old saying: If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.
Make a drastic change in your life, and you will see the result. Just be patient and consistent, change is not easy. If I could do it, anyone can!

Answer 8

Your third paragraph is the answer to your question. I also have a history of being polite and compliant and accepting offers put forth and making the best of it. It's only as I've gotten older that I've learned the value of counter-proposals, negotiation and not settling. You need to sit down and detail exactly what it is you want, in specific, not vague, terms. Having done that, you need to draw up a plan on how to achieve those goals. Then do it.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Society cannot use your potential without you first offering
yourself for use ....the constraints are within yourself ..

The source of the energy you crave can only come from you (within )...it can be awakened from outside...but the source must come from within (yourself )

from what you said you maybe suffering from whats known as
Avoidant Personality Disorder....APD.

Symptoms...(do you have any of these or partly some )

This disorder is characterized by a long-standing and complex pattern of feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to what other people think about them, and social inhibition. It typically manifests itself by early adulthood and includes a majority of the following symptoms:


Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked

Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed

Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations

Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy

Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others

Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

If so a visit to your GP maybe a good starting place if you feel you would like some help...........

Answer 10

How can u ever be happy with everything else if you are not happy within yourself.

Life is all about compromises but never ever compromise yourself...what do u really want...when you decide that...that is the moment that you are responsible enough to have a grlfriend and live your life to the fullest...just don't lie about it...tell her straight out, the way you feel....just my opinion

what are you scared of...with your own wishes...fear is always the worst and best friend...but I fear in your case, its the worst friend...live, for you only have one life...use it the best you can...best guess