She is upset at my brother for cheating on his wife and does not want my brother to come to my house anymore because it stirs up feelings of her ex when he cheated on her.
Her situation was from 12 years ago!!
2006-10-12 11:14:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I dont think she still has feelings for him. I thinks she is still hurt about the situation. He was probably her first love and she had a lot of trust in him, and him betraying her like that, really effected her deeply. I think she needs closure from that relationship since she still thinks about it. She probably just needs to contact him and ask him whatever questions she has just so she can get on with her life.
2006-10-12 11:21:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that it's feelings for her ex. At least not romantic or longings.
It's probably anger and hate.
The reason why she doesn't want him around, might be, that she hates the way that made her feel.
Women take that personally. A lot of women don't just think that you're stupid and can't seem to keep "him" leashed. They think that it is an attack on them.
Why should she have to give haven to a person that would rather lie to get a piece of strange than just admit that he wants to leave.
I understand that it is your brother, but there is a line to what you pick up after. It was his wife. He should have to find his own way after this. Let him learn what happens when you break up a family. Even if it was his own. There are just some things that just don't do.
And one of them is:
DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE.
If you want to have sex with someone else, get a divorce first.
Tabberlynn
2006-10-12 11:25:27 · answer #2 · answered by tabberlynn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do not think she has any feeling for her ex. She just knows how hurtful and painful it is being cheated on. I think she may be a scared that he will rub off on you, that is why she does not want him in the house. She needs to allow him to come into your home he is your brother and he really never has done anything to her. She should never try to come between you and your brother. She needs to get over it.
2006-10-12 11:38:07 · answer #3 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if she necessarily has "feelings" for him - but to be bothered by stuff that happened this long ago is an indication of an emotional disturbance of some kind. Hell, I'm hardly bothered by something that happened a year ago, c'mon! She needs to learn to let go, it won't do anyone any good to be constantly "stirred" by things. That said, I understand her being upset over your brother's behavior, especially if she knew his wife well.
2006-10-12 11:22:11 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does she like his wife? Does she have a friendship with her? She hasn't healed from what her ex did to her, so she is displacing that anger and transferring it to your brother. It is okay for her to disagree, and to disapprove........but to ban him from coming to your house is going overboard.
Also, looking at it from a different perspective, she MAY think that bad company will corrupt good morals. Meaning that since he did it, that maybe......JUST POSSIBLY, he will tell you about it, and maybe how great it was, and how much better the girlfriend or sex partner was than his wife.....or something to that effect. And that maybe curiousity will rub off on you, or that when you and her are fighting or something, you will think of what he did, and what he TOLD you.........and do the same thing.
Kind of like if she had a slutty friend who did anything and everything with everyone, and had LOTS of attention. Would you approve of her coming and telling your wife stories, and possibly even asking her to come 'hang out' with her sometimes. Would even the slightest part of you consider that at BEST your wife would be places that you disapprove of her being, and at WORST maybe she is out doing what her friend likes to do? Maybe the wife is thinking like that.
Still that's your blood. She has to let go of her issues and not come between you and him at all.
2006-10-12 11:31:25 · answer #5 · answered by lilac b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course she has feelings for her ex. I still have "feelings" for mine, and we've been divorced for 12 years. My feelings, like hers, are not good ones. Whatever comparisons I make between her and my current wife always make me thankful for the choices I've made.
When we are hurt, we build up defense mechanisms to keep that hurt from happening again. We try to avoid situations that can create that hurt. We also tend to avoid situations that remind us of it. That's what she's doing. Sometimes these defense mechanisms are good ones; they work to protect us. Sometimes they are disabling. We let fear and insecurity make us take actions that are not beneficial.
Try understanding your wife; why she feels this way. Then, use reason and logic to examine her behavior. Is it justified rationally? Does it work to protect her from future harm, or is it just disabling? Since you are emotionally detached from the hurt, you can examine rationally. Then, talk to her about her feelings, and the behavior it brings. Explain to her why she feels this way. Then, work with her to let her accept behavior that is beneficial, not disabling.
It may be this defense mechanism is good for her. It may not be. You're the best judge of that (if you don't let your own desires to see your brother get in the way of your own reason).
2006-10-12 11:24:17 · answer #6 · answered by antirion 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her although you understand how this makes her feel, her bother didnt do anything to her or better yet: he didnt do anything to you.
Find a common ground in which your brother can come over but not that often or when she is not around. You are both right, to an extent
2006-10-12 11:47:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to talk to your wife. Honestly, openly and without judgment. Ask her why your brother's affair upsets her so much. And really, while I don't agree with his conduct, why should it affect his relationship with you and your wife? Explain to her that you do think he was wrong (if that's the truth) but you still want him in your lives.
If she does have issues regarding the ex, it may be that she has fears of it happening to her again. This is a trust issue and could be affect your marriage. Talk with her about it, and if necessary seek counseling.
2006-10-12 11:22:16 · answer #8 · answered by Sativa 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think you're overreacting. Your brother did a horrible thing, and knowing that, she doesn't want to encourage this type of behavior in her house. Just get over it and respect your wife. It's not about her ex, it's about you changing your views.
2006-10-12 12:03:38 · answer #9 · answered by the_memory_of_ashes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she still remembers this, it's because the emotions she felt back then must've been traumatizing. According to psychological research, people remember better when something is emotional than if it's not. To not ruin your relationship because of this, try to avoid this topic. No, she does not have ANY feelings for her ex unless if she is a psycho!
2006-10-12 11:26:25 · answer #10 · answered by DN 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋