How do you get used to a Racist mother-in-law?

Question

This woman is getting on my nerves.I respected her and showed all my southern hopsitality but she can't get over the fact that I love her son and he loves me. I was at my boyfriend's house and me, him, and his dad were talking about me becoming apart of their family and becoming closer to my family, (His parents didn't meet mines becuase of his mom is a crazy miltant racist) And his father brought up the subject of me and him being married one day and having kids.And his mom lost it. She was saying things like,"I would disown any child of mine who would have babies with a mayata(which is a degrogatory term for a black woman in Latin America)." She called me a "nappy-headed jezebel" and a "non-believer" because I'm not catholic. My boyfriend was defending me with all his words but she kicked me and him out. His father and his mom got into a big arguement after that and I just cried to my boyfriend. I'm tired of this woman and this situtation is getting worse because I think im pregnant.

Answer 1

The only suggestion I have is not to associate with her. It will be hard because I'm sure your boyfriend loves his mother and feels just as torn about it as you. However, for your own sanity it would be in your best interest not to associate with her.

If you are indeed pregnant, find out first before jumping the gun, you may just have to wait until you've had the kid. Mother-in-laws have a tendency to buckle when they become grandmothers.

In other words, don't sweat her. She ain't paying your bills, feeding you, or helping you out in life. The only thing you should concentrate is making sure your relationship with your boyfriend stays healthy and loving.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, when you marry a man, you marry his family. This makes your situation even worse. But you see all the comedies out there where the mother in-law hates the wife. It makes it seem almost natural. Not only does she feel you're not good enough because your race and religion, it's her little boy and quite possibly no one is good enough for him unless she hand picks her, herself.

I see two things can happen here so don't give up hope, because one is potentially good (or both which ever way you want to look at it).

1. She could become more hateful and drive the son away from his family which means you won't have to deal with her much if any at all.

2. Once the baby is born, she starts to heal and all the hatred slowly melts away. (This would be the ideal situation, this is what happened with my mother and her mother in law, only it was when my son was born and she felt she had a great grandson)

Her intollerance is odd, how does she like it when people discrimate against her because she's latino? Be patient with her, I know you shouldn't stand for it, but respect her in her home even if it kills you. That might earn you some points. Kill her with kindness.

Answer 3

What the two of you will have to do is remember if you are on your own and paying your own bills it is no one elses business what you do or where you go.
We were both white but I hate racist slurs. My In-Laws did it all the time. So we didn't go around them. It was there loss not ours. the Children grew up hardly knowing them. Because I didn't want my children to grow up narrow minded. They are really old and hardly any of the grand children have anything to do with them. When your in your ninetys, you want grand children if they are green! Remind them old folks homes or nursing homes are full of people who have no visitors.
Wonder why that is? Get jobs, your own house, move out and quit worrying about parents. As you get older you will see parents are more a pain than a help. I remember being young once and what they thought really mattered and had quit a hold over us. Now looking back it seems silly that we let it bother us.
When you get that job? make sure it is at least two states away from all in laws. that is the major cause of marriage break up.

Answer 4

My mother-in-law and I initially didn't get along... Granted I didn't have to deal with that level of racist BS though- I think she's probably behaving in the extreme because she senses that she's losing her baby to another woman....I think it's universal of all mothers to feel the need to protect their sons from this "harlot" that's come along and taken his attention away from her.

As far as the racist BS... be the bigger woman. You can't teach that old dog new tricks... Ignore her remarks, and avoid her when possible. That's all you really can do. If your boyfriend or possibly-someday-husband-to-be insists on maintaining a relationship with his mother (which I don't know why he would given your examples of how she's behaved towards you) there's nothing you can do. If you decide to remain in the relationship you have to acknowledge and accept that it's going to be a bumpy road when it comes to the relationship (or lack there of) between you and your mother-in-law.

Were I in your situation... my one hope would be that if you do have a baby your mother-in-law would forget about all her old sterotypes and hatred and love her grandchild so much that skin color wouldn't matter anymore... It's a long shot, but you never know right?

As for the Catholic thing...Only you know if you believe or not and just because you aren't Catholic doesn't mean you don't have faith... In the end Catholic, Protestant, Jewish or Islam... It's all the same God!

Don't let the pig-headed bring you down!

Answer 5

I'm assuming she is of Latin descent? In any case, she has no room to talk, we all need to get along, and for her to be that old and in that state of mind is sad for her. She will miss out on the new family that you and your boyfriend will make. A friend of mine was in love with a white guy and the father accepted her , and the mother hated the relationship. Well, her lover's father ended up divorcing his white wife because he put two and two together:racism/prejudice=Hate. And who wants to stick with that?

As far as the pregnancy, that shouldn't be the negative, this is a plus for the both of you. A merge of cultures and love, the haters will get swiftly moved to the side anyhow. Have peace and believe in better days for yourself.

Answer 6

She sounds like a real b*tch. If her son is happy, that's all that should matter.

As hard as is seems, you should try to not show anger towards her. In her screwed up mind, that will make her think that she was right all along. You have to be the bigger person.

Don't let her call you names. Be assertive and tell her that her close minded attitude is her problem, not yours.

Your BF is making the correct (although very tough) desicion to be with someone he knows his mother doesn't approve of. Be thankful. Most people are too weak to pick someone their mother's don't approve of.

What ever you do, don't make your man choose between his mother and you. Don't let her stop you from coming to family functions. The father sounds like a reasonable person. Try to make friends with him and maybe this b*tch will eventually accept you.

Good Luck, Honey. Above all, be strong.

Answer 7

She's the one who has to get used to you. She has to do it in her own time.
You will cause yourself unnecessary strength and anxiety if you attempt to change her. As long as your boyfriend remains supportive and understanding, you will survive.
Just be yourself; and be loving and respectful. Don't take it personally. Don't hang on her progress.

As for your future child: No matter what she says about disowning your child, don't let it happen. Make sure that she is included in the child's life-even if she keeps declining. Don't let her pride deprive your child of a grandmother.

P.S. maybe you should learn something about her culture. (Latin America is not a country or an ethnicity.) You can't connect with someone you don't understand.

Answer 8

Her views are not going to be "fixed" any time soon, seeing as they seem to be pretty deep-rooted.
Obviously your boyfriend is independent enough from her influence to be able to make healthy choices concerning your relationship. (i.e. not visiting or inviting her over unless she behaves like an adult, not a tantrum throwing six year old in need of a good whoopin.) He did choose to date you despite his mother's opinions after all. Lets face it, this would not be the first time she has mouthed off about her prejudices in front of him. He probably grew up with it, so big points for him for growing out of this influence!
As long as you both behave like mature adults, not name-calling or gossiping, or doing anything that would "prove" her point for her. Rudeness cannot be fought with rudeness. That would only spawn more of the same.
You already have his dad on your side, so hopefully she will come around, and when she does, try not to cram that humble pie down her throat. :-)

Answer 9

*Firstly, Latins aren't white. So tell her that.
*Secondly, "racism" isn't Christian. So tell her her hatred wil get her sent right to Hell. I take it she isn't born again. Tell her to read John 3 in the Bible.
*Thirdly, she isn't your mother-in-law yet. She's just your BF's mom. Ignore her and stay away from her if you don't have to be around her. Why bother going to her house? For what? And DON'T subject your baby to her hate.
*Fourthly, are you the one who said her BF told her he'd sleep with a Black girl but not marry one? Maybe I'm mistaken on that, but if not, then you're BF is possibly a wanna-be racist also. Clearly, he doesn't HATE ppl the way his mother does, but he doens't think you're good enough to be his wife, just good enough to take to bed and be with under cover, pun intended.

The question isn't how do you get used to a racist mother-in-law? The question is WHY would you subject yourself (and possibly your baby) to this? Do you hate YOURSELF?

I hope you're not pregnant, that would be very unfortunate for the kid.

I read some of your other questions (e.g., why is it hard for me to say NO to men...) and that your 16. It's really time to grow up. Maybe this is why she thinks you're a jezebel?

Answer 10

You can't change some people. You have a boyfriend who loves you and thats all that should matter. You have a father inlaw that sees the light too. You won't and should not get used to the mother inlaw. No one should associate with such people. Just live your life to the fullist with your man and let karma take care of your mother inlaw.