For years my husband (almost ex, divorce almost final) spoke online with women and spent more time in conversation with them than with me. One time, the computer was left on to an email convo he had and I was so surprised at how "in love" they were acting.
We have three kids... he was a stay-at-home dad. I just ignored it.
I thought that maybe these friendships were good for him...
HOW WRONG I WAS...
What the hell was my problem? My not getting PISSED at him destroyed everything. Not that it matters... we aren't very compatible to begin with...
Anyone else with this problem?
Not enough jealousy in a relationship...?
2006-10-12 08:55:03 · 13 answers · asked by Use my Yahoo! Avatar 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Can I back you up a little bit... When you ask "what the hell was my problem?" you made a classic mistake that many women make when a marriage fails or in many other intensely emotional events. You are blaming yourself, when in fact he is to blame. Don't try and minimize what he has done by saying that you are not very compatible or that it is your fault because you ignored it...
Okay, ignoring it was not a good idea, I will grant you that, but that is not the reason things fell apart...If your husband was chatting with women online, he is the one with the problem...It is real easy to be what someone wants on the other end of the web, but if he and this online hoe were to meet in person, there is no doubt that they would not get what they expect in most cases.
I do not think the problem is not enough jealousy as much as you just do not seem to care if he is around or not... I think if you were with someone that you really cared about, were in love with and could not wait to get home to see every day, then if you found him chatting with some women online, I think your reaction would have been different from the beginning... I think it is good that your divorce is almost final and that you are moving on, just make sure that you do not settle for a mate in the future, make sure you are madly in love and it will change your whole outlook, I promise...Good Luck
2006-10-12 09:06:18 · answer #1 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
LOL that works both ways. Even if you do have a lot of jealousy it can still destroy the relationship and not help out the matter AT ALL. Recently I found out my husband was using a cell phone chat service called UPOC. When I found out he had random girls texting his cellphone and sending him pictures of themselves I was PISSED and wouldn't let it go....when I thought I had finally got over it...I then found out that he was not only texting them but also chatting on the phone with them!!! This made me ever more angry and I felt betrayed because I would call him and text him and he would never answer me...yet he would text and talk to random women he had never met....I finally thought I was over the anger and that we had worked things out ....THEN i found an email that he wrote to an actual woman that he met while in school for the Army.....it wasn't really graphic but it said something about how he had been dreaming about her. Anyway, my point is...even when you confront them about their cheating ways and try to show them how wrong it is ...they still don't always understand why you are so mad and it doesn't help anymore then if I had ignored it all. I guess chatting online isn't exactly "cheating" to some but to me If you can't tell your wife about it because you know she will get pissed and not approve...then you are cheating...bottom line. I believe you should not keep ANYTHING from your spouse...that is what marriage is all about. Don't feel bad for not being jealous...it could be a blessing in disguise. My jealousy has nearly torn my marriage apart.....Yet, I know that im not wrong for being jealous and angry...afterall, he shouldn't be talking to other women behind my back.
2006-10-12 09:40:15 · answer #2 · answered by S 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Nonsense, Jealousy wasn't the problem your Husband was. You said it yourself that you and him weren't very compatible to begin with and now it is showing up. I have seen this problem with other couples but no first hand experience. Jealousy in very small amounts is OK but I think the problem was knowledge, knowledge of what goes on in a persons house and with there family, there was little things here and there that you could have picked up on. When my wife is in another room for very long I go and check on her, yes to see what she is doing, but mostly just to find out if she is OK or if she needs help. If you were totally shocked then I am sorry, I just think that you knew something, he had to be acting weird or distant or sneaky, something. It was not your problem but his, he was unfaithful not you and now you are better off, Look at it this way you could have found this out 10 years from now, but you didn't. At least you can move on with a clear conscious. Good luck, I hope I helped.
2006-10-12 09:17:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I dont think your problem was a lack of jealousy...it was trust and i dont think that was a problem. I think you did what any trusting caring wife would and should do. You simply trusted and supported your husband and got burnt. Dont dwell on it...its in the past. Please dont let it affect your future relationships and live as trusting and openminded as you have. In the future when you find a keeper of a man you will probably find if he truly loves you and respects you he likely wont be on the computer talking to women as much if at all. Look to the future and forget the past. You didnt learn from a mistake in this respect...unless your mistake was finding a less than compatible man to begin with. Best of luck.
2006-10-12 09:05:30 · answer #4 · answered by Johnny 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't beat yourself up over this. Things weren't working out long before he ever got to chatting with females you just most likely didn't notice just like you didn't notice he was so much in love on chatting with this person.
Sometimes couple break down communication is lost he most likely was empty for a long timme as was you. even you said you weren't very compatable. So it was inevitable . when people aren't happy or there lacking something. human nature is to go and find what you need like a fix.
And by you yelling and getting mad at him would have done no good. he was already gone by that point. just hadn't left the house but inside it was gone.
And its sad but these things happen. and you can't keep blaming yourself what if I did this or that . It sounds like it was a while in coming and he felt this way. didnt' happen over night.
2006-10-12 19:37:11 · answer #5 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your not getting angry is not what distroyed everything, what he did destroyed everything. You acted the way that you did out of mostly love and probably a little denial, Im sure you wanted everything to be OK, for you and your children. Jealousy would not have solved anything, in facvty it probably would have given him even more gratification for doing the things he did. Dont punish yourself over his shortcomings, the only mistake you made was marrying him.
2006-10-12 09:05:55 · answer #6 · answered by Sam 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
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2016-10-16 04:40:16 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
even if you had gotten mad and confronted him or the other woman it probroly would not have changed the outcome, you din't cause the problem, he did. when my husband cheated on me i got mad, i tried everything to talk it out but he refused. this is who he was, this is his character, this is who your husband is, a cheater, a betrayer, and even though it hurts now, you will make it through this, and be better off. they say what don't kill us makes us stronger, i know this for a fact.you never allow anyone to disrespect you in this way, there are consequences for cheating. there was really nothing you could have done to change it, the falt lies within him, and his character.
2006-10-12 16:57:51 · answer #8 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm not a very jealous person, but I wouldn't stand for my husband wasting his time in chatrooms... When I'm married to someone, I want them to spend time productively. Otherwise, I might as well stay single.
2006-10-12 09:07:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
You don't have any problem. He does! When we marry we assume and expect that our husband is going to be trustful and loving like we would be to them. It is very devasting when they end up not being. I know it will be hard for you to trust again. Goodluck.
2006-10-12 18:09:10 · answer #10 · answered by Tgirl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋