How to deal with a rude husband?

Question

My otherwise good husband has this habit of speaking rudely at times. I am a very sensitive person who gets hurt very easily. If there is something he has to say then he just says it without thinking about my feelings. Also his behaviour at times is rude. Like he will simply turn up the vol of the TV while we are speaking. Sometimes not respond to me while I am asking something. In between our conversation he suddenly starts doing some work etc. He will very rudely point out my mistakes in housekeeping like ' Of all places on earth why is this thing kept here?' etc. I have an 18 month old baby now so it is not possible for me to take care of every little detail. I wish he would be a little more understanding and soft spoken towards me. I have tried talking to him but then it all ends up in arguments that leave me feeling sick. I want to know what I can do so that he understands that I need gentler treatment? Is there anything I can do without telling him directly or arguing?

Answer 1

There is no other way than confrontation. I am known to be a bit rude sometimes myself. What my wife has been doing, which is working, is talk to me the way I talk to her. She told me she was going to do this too. Now she is not rude at the time I am being rude, but some random time later. For example, if I tell her how I really feel about her mother when we see her, she will kindly tell me what she thinks about my mother when we see her. This way I am learning through experience that you have to watch what you say because people get hurt. Your husband sounds a little more extreme than me, but I think this type of reverse-psychology will work. But in the end, you will need to get a little bit tougher because he will never be as sensitve as you want. Men are not women.

Answer 2

Sounds like your husband is dealing with something that is coming between you and him. I doubt it had anything to do with the housekeeping and such... it's something deeper. Stress? Work? Money?

A good heart to heart (with the tv off) would be a good start. Start out with a question about how HE is doing. Don't get angry and try not to cry... You need to be strong. Ask him about what is going on and if there is anything YOU can do to help ease his load. Ask him why he seems to be putting a wall up... and don't let him talk around the topic.

Once you've broken down the wall a little... let him know what you need.

Keep the conversation as open as possible. Don't point fingers - but rather suggest something better. Don't use hateful words or hurtful words... these things will only build up the wall again.

Maybe counseling would help too.

Good luck dear... I hope you can stay strong.

Answer 3

He, just like my husband, is only reacting to your comments and not talking about your feelings. He is insecurely taking everything personally as an attack.

You must be understood and accepted in your marriage. Those are the 2 most important keys to communication. Let your husband know you don't feel comfortable talking about your needs with him. Ask him to go to a marriage therapist to improve "our" communication skills. Believe me, it will only get worse unless you do something about it now. Do it before one of you gets your needs met elsewhere.

Also, be sure you say things like "I hear you saying this....is that right?" and not "You are just so rude." And "I'm sorry, I just can't seem to concentrate on our conversation when you focus on something else." In an almost whispering gentle sickeningly sweet voice tell him, "Honey, my ears just seem to slam shut when you use a tone like that, could you talk more gently please?"

If he ever gets too mean to you (I hope he doesn't), immediately call an abuse shelter's hotline so that IF a divorce ever happens you will have documented calls from the hotline. The courts accept this as evidence for abuse cases.

Do not let him talk to you until you feel sick. It is very humiliating and your head just spins trying to think where you made the wrong step. If the discussions start turning bad, tell him you have to leave too cool down and that you will be back in an hour. Take your baby if you need to (or ask him to leave for an hour.) Hopefully things will simmer down and you can have a civil discussion when you return.

Answer 4

This is like the husband who beats his wife for leaving the cap off of the toothpaste tube.

In other words....there's more to this. You annoy him. Plain and simple. maybe not all the time but after a fashion you're conversation bores him. Hence when he's tired of listening to you...he does this stuff. No doubt because he can get away with it.
True...it's rude. Downright crude and rude. But I'm telling you...this is a fact sweetie. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Not at all. It means he's easily aggravated and he exhibts an uncaring and thoughtless attitude to you.
You may find that you'll have to take a firm stand on this. I assure you...this will cause a fight. probably a bad one that will keep you pissed at one another for a few days. Him especially because you stood up to him and won't budge.
He'll either have to change....or you live with it. It clearly cannot be both ways.

Answer 5

I just don't understand how you say divorce is not an option no woman should be treated like this he must not love you because if he did he would accept you no matter how you looked. So if you accept his ways then deal with it either lose the weight he is complaining about so then he can find something else to complain about and then you will do that as well it will continue it will not get better. Enjoy your marriage

Answer 6

Boy, Can I relate to what you are going through. I am a very sensitive person who is easily hurt too. When I try to tell my otherwise good husband what's bothering me he will turn things on me and say things that is really hurtful and uncalled for that makes me sick to my stomach. There were times I wrote down my feelings and handed it to my husband just to avoid an argument. Since you can't talk to your husband without an argument maybe you try writing what's bothering you and giving it to him. I wish you the best of luck and hope he will start considering your feelings more.

Answer 7

Dear Dippy,
You yourself have admitted that your husband is good also. As a sensitive & sensible wife, try to read his mind, try to comfort him more. Maybe, he is more worked up at office & that's why probably he behaves so, with you. He needs to vent out his feelings, & you have always been an easy target. Try out some new methods, like, allow him to cool down & relax after he returns from office. Try to comfort him by giving him some beverage or some snacks & then slowly enquire about his day in the office. Try to press his shoulders & the back of his neck & give him a good kiss if he likes it. Show him all the mail & other magazines which have come that day. Try these things & also ask him to take care of the child, so that you could do some household chores. I am sure, you will see a changed husband within a week's time for sure.
Alway's keep a presentable smile & try to tease him, whenever he is about to lose his mood. Don't ever be in tears. Tell him you will never get angry on him & I'm sure, you shall be thanking me forever, for your husband will be your best friend at all times. Good luck. Bye.

Answer 8

hi,
actually, he is or must be very much an workoholic. now try to take a break from his work activities, go for a vacation, these days and times are of continious stress on everyones minds because of tight work schedules.
take a break, go to a good place where u both can understand each other, and talk freely. also dont forget to tell him that it hurts u when he does all that crap. in a very polite, proper and lovely way.
then ask him if he likes u try to get some info bt his professional relationships and friends. engross him with u . and ur charisma !! he will never neglect u !!!
i think u get my point !!!

Answer 9

No. You have to tell him directly that you need him to be gentler toward you. But you also have to keep in mind that men are not really nurturers. That is the way girls are raised. Men are taught to be straight forward, and this is just his nature.

As your husband he should be learning to be more tender to you, because women need this. So, since he wasn't raised to be this way, and it isn't almost genetic as it is with women......you have to communicate your needs.

You don't have to ask him to 'baby' you, but you have to let him know that you are sensitive so when he says things in a certain tone, or in a certain way, you are hurt by it. And when you are hurt it kind of makes you withdraw a little bit, even if it wasn't an intentional attack.

If you tell him these things up front, in plain english so that there is no room for misunderstandings.........and he CONTINUES to interact that way......then it IS intentional and out of malice. And THEN you have a reason to be upset.

Hope that works. I had to tell my husband the same thing. At first his reaction was that "Hey, I was raised to be honest, and not sugar coat anything. You have to accept that." And I let him know that I can appreciate that, but I find it abrasive and abrupt and it offends me. I told him that I felt hurt by it, and that I appreciate honesty, but I also appreciate consideration and tact. I gave him an example, and let him know that though I'm his wife.....I need him to attend to me, and recognize that if at no other time in his life, when WE are together, I need his tenderness, and to be treated like the most precious thing in the world.

And it WORKED. The only time the 'true' side of him came out afterward is if he was angry or hurt and just trying to get back at me by doing what he knows I hate for him to do. Anyway, don't tell him "indirectly" because that leaves it up for interpretation, and he may not interpret it as you intend for him to. Tell him directely so there is no room for misunderstanding.

Answer 10

well i have to ask you did you know this person before you married him? it sounds to me like hes just that type of person and maybe you didn't spend enough time getting to know him before you made this commitment and brought a child into it. this shows a complete lack of respect not only for you but now the mother of his children. make him get help and if you cant get far far away. i know it doesn't sound like much by the way he is acting now, but it will get worse. a little disrespect just grows in to bigger disrespect. for me husband knows better then to do any of those things and if he didn't i would tell myself the same thing I'm telling you.good luck Hun with your relationship and new baby.