My Fiance has an Ex-Wife. I havemt liked her for 2 years, she is a bad mother, and a bad person. In the last 2 years I have ha some sexual thoughts about her but not alot. My Fiance and her have 3 kids together, 10, 6, and 3. THe kids and I get along great. I was wondering if I will ever get along and maybe be friends with the Ex? I turn 21 next month and last night when I was sleeping I was thinking I could invite her to go to the bar with me one night and we could talk. Would that be a good idea?
2006-10-12 06:11:39 · 13 answers · asked by sissy85 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
i wonder why the world and people are messed up
2006-10-12 06:14:58 · answer #1 · answered by Maestro 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You say you don't like her, and you are very critical of her, yet you have sexual thoughts about her?
You clearly want to bond with her and be accpeted by her, which is a good thing because your fiance and her have children, and will always have a co-parent relationship.
Do you have some sexual abuse or trauma in your past? Is that why you see sexuality as a way to bond?
The best way to bond with her is to build rapport with her by appreciating her. Compliments to her, and positive observations about the kids is a great ice breaker. Follow up with questions. Admire, respect, and appreciate her. (even if you have to fake it at first). Ask her for advice or what she would do in a situation.
Sometimes, kids feel as if bonding with a stepmother is a betrayal to their biological mother. They can sometimes act out disrespectfully and cold. This is why you need to create some sort of amicable relationship with their mother.
This might be difficult and try your patience. Understand thaat you are probably quite a bit yourger than her, (based on the ages of the children) and she might be resentful. Look up to her (or fake it) and make her important. Show her that you appreciate her wisdom.
Sure, invite her out for lunch, shopping, or over to your house. Going to a bar might imply something you do not wish to imply, and drinking leaves you vulnerable to losing your composure. you might reveal things that you will later regret.
NEVER discuss any of your relationship problems or doubts, as that will violate the intimacy you have with him, plus it will give her too much info that she might exploit or use against you.
Do something that engages both you and her a few times, then involve the kids. Shop with her for kids stuff, and find the perfect community center for them to play at in the winter. They need to see you two getting along, and making them the most inportant thing.
How about getting together with her to make the kids' halloween costumes? Follow her lead and take her direction and advice. Do not force your opinion or let it become a power struggle.
Good luck and take care!
2006-10-12 13:43:56 · answer #2 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as there are children in the picture you will have to deal with the mom. You are on the right track about inviting her out but maybe for a casual dinner or lunch. Not sure what the sexual nature is with that could be you want to see what your fiance saw in her maybe? But anyway at least you can say you tried to establish a realtionship with her even if it doesn't work out. Good luch and congratulations on your engagement.
2006-10-12 13:16:01 · answer #3 · answered by Tanya 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have had sexual thoughts about a girl. You are a girl right? If so then why do you have a fiance?
You should try to be friends with her for the sake of the children...and yourselves.
2006-10-12 13:16:38 · answer #4 · answered by Crystal G 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Asking her to the bar would be a good idea, just make sure its only you and her, no friends, try not getting her too involved in your life, that could be a big mistake, and when talking to her don't mention your Fiance or try not to only talk about him if she brings him up.
2006-10-12 13:18:45 · answer #5 · answered by Oneoftheboys 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Be careful about going to a bar till you know your tolerence level. Never drink too much around her. But to invite her out shopping or to a mary kay party or something would be great
2006-10-12 13:15:36 · answer #6 · answered by not_an_angel_just_a_girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
maybe.. but it could be the dreams are really telling you that you need to give her a chance... let her be herself and just accept her.
Remember alcohol lowers inhibitions... so that could work for or against you.
If you are trying to get her into bed and thinking that once you two have done soemthning together that things will be better..... I... just don't see that working out anyway but bad....
If you are trying to get her to just see you as a person and you see her as a person and not someones ex.. that may work.. but you already think she is "bad" so i don't know what good this will do..
I'd say go for coffee not drinks...
2006-10-12 13:16:17 · answer #7 · answered by .... 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well soon youre going to be her childrens step mother. so you can either get along..or make eachothers lives a living hell which of course hurts the children more than you two can imagine. have a talk with her yes...and tell her you love her kids, and want the best for them..
2006-10-12 13:14:38 · answer #8 · answered by TheMaverick.The Artist 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sexual thoughts about her............what do you mean. I say let her be. If your fiance doesn't care if you are friendly with her then don't worry about it. She sounds like a bizzle anyway why would you want to be her friend?
2006-10-12 13:17:08 · answer #9 · answered by Eldude 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A Bar is never the answer!
2006-10-12 13:31:00 · answer #10 · answered by Pisces 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What do you mean you have been having sexual thoughts about her?
2006-10-12 13:15:37 · answer #11 · answered by panda 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋