I adore my husband but I dont feel as though i am not madly in love with him anymore, i guess we are in an eternal rut so how do i get us out of it?
2006-10-12 05:48:50 · 21 answers · asked by chrissyannroberts 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Philosophy
I am not being sarcastic, or joking, when I say that you have discovered the joy of marriage. The love that you had years ago, the raw attraction, has long since past, and is now replaced by a quieter, gentler love, one that sometimes you only feel when he's gone. You probably still 'need' him - what if he died in an accident?
This kind of love lasts longer, and is stronger than any other kind of love on earth.
Remember those reasons why you got married in the first place. The way he balances you out - brings out the best in you. The way he makes you comfortable when things are down.
And try to avoid a personal rut - that's unrelated to him. Don't forget to do something different for yourself and the two of you!
2006-10-13 12:56:11 · answer #1 · answered by Polymath 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's a saying "Familiarity breeds contempt" this may be a bit harsh but the truth is, the more time you spend with someone, the more comfortable you feel with them & get used to them, the more you take them for granted. It stops being as exciting as it was in the beginning. It evolves into more of a friendship.
I read a statistic once that the chemicals in your brain that make you fall in love only last 36 months. So after 3 years in a relationship, you're running on fumes. In my own experience, 3 years is usually the make or break point & my sister has had 3 marriages/long term relationships that always ended at the 4 year point. This is the turning point. Either you love each other enough to stay together & accept the change in the relationship as natural, or you get tired of them & move on to the next one. Relationships are always most exciting in the beginning. It's that newness. It's intoxicating. Some people get addicted to this & never stay in a relationship long-term. Or are tempted to stray...
People forget that relationships take work. They don't just happen. Love is a verb. It's something you choose to do, even when you don't feel like it. Sometimes you may feel a little distant or out of sorts with your partner but then all of a sudden you may feel a strong bond with them again.
Don't lose faith. The important thing is that he's your partner & your best friend. "Madly in love" may sound romantic but is it practical in the long-run? Happily ever after doesn't tell you what things were like after the happy ending. What happens after the fairytale. Does Prince Charming leave his socks on the floor? Romeo & Juliet were so passionate because they were in their early teens & they both died before they had a chance to live together.
Real life can be romantic. Just make an effort. Some candles, music. Make each other feel special like when you were dating. Leave little love notes. You'd be surprised how little things can make you both feel in love again...
Good luck.
2006-10-12 06:01:02 · answer #2 · answered by amp 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This can just happen for no reason at all. It could be just growing apart as you grow older and mature, having different goals or ambitions from when you first met, or both parties growing complacent and not working hard at the relationship. You may still love the person and always will, but not be in love with them like you were at the beginning.
You have two choices here because you are at a crossroads. You can try and both work to recapture what you once had and go back to being in love, but it will take work. You basically have to start back at the beginning. Go on dates with one another, go out to dinner, the movies, whatever you did when you first got together. Find what it was that attracted you to the other in the first place.
Of course the other option is that you have drifted too far apart and the only hope is to remain friends and to have some amount of civil relationship with this man, but go your separate ways.
I would recommend the former, but only if both of you are committed to getting back to where you once were and recapturing that love. Good luck...
2006-10-12 06:01:47 · answer #3 · answered by DAN 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is always a reason why people fall out of love even if it is not obvious. However you should also realize that it is really quite common for people who have been married to each other to experience a decrease in passion which you be interpreting as love. As a couple has been together longer they tend to lose the passion they had when they were newlyweds but gain a greater intimacy (intimacy does not = sex). They know more about each other and are more comfortable being themselves around one another. People also just go through highs and lows. Sometimes I feel very passionately in love with my husband while other times I feel rather abiguous about him. You can't feel elated forever. When you live with someone you fight from time to time and annoy eachother but that's life. Marriage is never easy and a successful marriage is the product of hadr work. Many spouses go through several periods of time when at they feel less "in love". What were the things that attracted you to each other in the first place? Are there things that you used to do for each other that you don't do anymore? Are you both experiencing a lot of stress lately like working/studying late or are kids bothering you? The "biggest" down times for the average couple occur 1. after the "honeymoon" phase whic is about the first three months of marriage. 2. After the first 3 years. This is the first milestone for people to pass in which a large percentage of people opt for divorce. 3. After five years which is the second milestone for divorce.
50% of marriages end in divorce in America and most of them occur at either 3 or 5 years.
4. After the birth of a child. Couples do not get as much time to themselves anymore and therefore feel like they are not as loved and not being as much in love. This is generally not the case but babies do drain the energy and resources for both parents and the decrease in the original relationship's qualities have an unfortunate adverse effect of making parents feel unloved. 5. When starting a new job, getting a promotion, going back to school, mid-life crisis or menopause.
There are many other points and resons but think about whether any of these apply to you or your husband. These types of problems can often resolve themselves if they are those natural up's and down's. Others may take work and you may want to talk with a marriage counselor who can help the two of you work through the difficulties and find new or improved ways to reconnect.
2006-10-12 06:44:43 · answer #4 · answered by cassandra581 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The "madly in love with" stuff is the romance part of the relationship. Over time, romance seems to take a secondary part to the rest, sometimes, due to circumstances of life. You can still get glimpses of the romance but you have to work at it. Spend a weekend away with just the two of you. Go to a familiar cafe from when you first met and just be alone with each other. Get back in touch with your relationship. Remember what attracted you to him and recall the reasons you married him. Romance is wonderful I have to admit, but it's not the be all and end all of a relationship. To leave him and start a new relationship with someone else will only bring the same results over time. Romance is not love, it's romance. If romance is what you're looking for, stay unattached and just keep changing partners, because the romance part is usually short lived.
2006-10-12 06:07:15 · answer #5 · answered by largerladybug 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the relationship feels as though it is getting old, you need to go out and experience new things together and I don't mean a one time vacation. Make it a habit to go out and do something new with each other. If you can't make it that way, you may have ended up with the wrong one.
2006-10-12 05:54:28 · answer #6 · answered by grudgrime 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They say there is a time after being IN love when you still love the person but no longer feel as excited about it as you originally did. That's perfectly normal. Maybe one of you needs to do something romantic or even just something kind and special for the other one. Just do things that will make you feel good about him again.
2006-10-12 05:58:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I didn't think it was possible, but apparently that is what happened to my girlfriend, anyway you guys need to evolve together, you are different people (both of you) than when you were married, pick up a new sport together or take a vacation, start something where you will intereact with each other in a new exciting way,
2006-10-12 05:59:07 · answer #8 · answered by ninja cat 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I think you can fall out of love for no reason at all. Don't you think "being in love" is different from loving someone deeply? I'm sure if the excitement has died down somewhat, it can be replaced with a sense of love that may not be as thrilling, but can be long-lasting and meaningful.
2006-10-12 05:54:43 · answer #9 · answered by Perfectly Said 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sure you can, you get immune to the chemicals that cause the "puppy love" feeling after a few years. You need to pursue the realtionship in terms of trusted freindship, partnering, helpmate, things like that. Nobody can remain "in love" forever.
2006-10-12 05:57:45 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋