Should my sister live with her lover in our home?

Question

My Father died in 1997, since then it seems like Mother is allowing things that were impossible when my dad was alive; like allowing my sister to stay in our house with a man that is not even her husband yet. What can i do? Remember i am a Mozambican of Maputo Province and our culture does not accept that, but again i do not want to hurt my mother by telling her that her daugther should go, please help.

The other problem is that i am the only one supporting the family and they have 3 children of theirs plus my 2 brothers and 1 child of my brother who passed away 6 years ago. I have 4 children of my own and my wife of course. So, my wife and my 2 brothers are complaining to me on this extra family. Please understand and help.

Answer 1

The previous answers have been weak and unhelpful. Whilst you have not given me all the information I need, I will try my best to answer your question.

First of all, let's do a quick body count, starting with zero (0) ....

Mother + 1 = 1
Sister, partner and three children + 5 = 6
Brothers + 2 = 8
Deceased brother's child + 1 = 9
Yourself, wife and four children + 6 = 15

So there are fifteen people living in the family house and you are the only income earner, if I understood you correctly. I presume also that your mother inherited the house from your father.

The first thing that occurs to me is that you are a man. You have been married long enough to have four children. You should have established your own independent home a long time ago. It also occurs to me that potentially there are a number of freeloaders there - your two brothers and your sister and partner.

Look at your responsibilities as a man. They come in the following order:

Your four children. They did not ask to be born, and they need your support, because they have no-one else.

Your wife. You chose to love her and have a family with her. Whilst she could find another man, she and you have agreed to make important life arrangements jointly.

Your mother. She brought you into this world and cared for you when you were a child. However she does have other children who are also similarly in debt to her.

Your deceased brother's child. S/he relies on the extended family for help.

Your two brothers, but only if they are less than 18 years of age.

You have no responsibilty to your sister and her three children. Married or not, she has a man who should be taking care of his family.

You should make plans to establish your own independent home, and call a meeting of all the extended family to tell them of your intentions. Tell them that you wish to continue to develop your happy relationship with your wife and children free from the encumbrances of the present arrangement.

There will be extended family members that will beg you to reconsider, notably your mother. However you must be a man and stand firm. Show everyone that you are not prepared to compromise, when the only choice is between living apart and the current situation.

Then see if the others will suggest another way out of the problem. However, you should be guided by two overriding considerations: (1) you have a right, and a duty, to enjoy your life with your own family; (2) your responsibilities lie in the priority that I indicated above.

If there is no change in the circumstances then you should proceed to move out, but still provide financial support to your mother and your orphaned nephew/niece.

Answer 2

I'm not going to be patronising and say 'oh well your views are fine if your culture says so'. Well in some cultures women can be stoned to death for adultury or legally beaten by their husbands but that's not necessarily right either. If you think so much of your culture you will also recognise that respect for your elders is of major important, and if your mother allows your sister to stay with this man in HER house that is her right. If you really can't put up with it you should move out.

Answer 3

Whatever YOU are, you don't have any right to tell your mother what to allow or not to allow.
Cultures change and although your country's culture soesn't accept it, the 21st century world culture does.

who cares whether they're married or not - after all, it's only a legal contract. What matters is whether they're happy.

I reckon that in your position, if you don't like what your mother does, you have every right NOT to go there to upset the majority (ie, mother, sister and lover).

Remember, it's your sister's choice whether or not to marry, not yours. You look after your life and let her look after hers. She might think you're just interfering with other people's lives - which you are.

BtW, I wouldn't let any mythical godlets attempt to decide for you either. People might think you're superstitious.

Answer 4

I am not part of your culture, so you are going to get a different perspective from me. As long as it's not imposing on you, then that is between them and your mother. Maybe your father's influence was strict and now your mother is acting more on her own convictions, rather than his. People tend to make changes like that after their spouse is gone after so many years.

Answer 5

It seems as if your mother is the one allowing such actions maybe for economic reasons.If you don't want your sister's actions, then have a word with your mom pointing out the reasons behind your objections.Whether she will be hurt or not depends with the way you present your case. Good luck!

Answer 6

Maybe your mother is just trying to keep your sister close to her, even if it is frowned upon in your culture.
After loosing your father I think your mother is trying to hold on to the family she has remaining for as long as possible.
Even if the means of doing so are totally out of character!

Answer 7

Your mother is now head of the household and she makes the decisions.
Have some respect for your mother.

Answer 8

I think it is for your mother to decide who she wants to live with her in her own house. It is not bad to live together before marriage anymore.

Answer 9

true. your sis should be living or setting up home with her lover