We have been married for 4+ years; we have one child together and three stepchildren between us. For the most part we get along, however, our relationship is very surface level… almost like roommates. He is a very hard worker in order to support his family… putting in an average of 60+ hours a week. His hours at work are usually 9am until 9pm or later making family time nearly impossible. Weekends are packed with all the things that he is not able to do during the week due to his work schedule: golfing is a huge pastime, fishing, work on his truck… the other spare minutes are spent drinking beer or sleeping. His relationship with the kids consists of telling them what to do or goodnight.
I also work a fulltime position that may not be as strenuous as his, however, is still very challenging. I am also the main partner in charge of the house – cleaning, maintaining, groceries, cooking, taxi for the kids, paying all the bills, maintaining a budget and financial planning. I attend all school related functions for our children by myself. Most weekends I am alone with the kids while he is in his own world.
For some time now I have tried to open a line of communication like we once had. Wanting to talk with him about plans, the kids, my feelings etc. Wanting to spend quality time with him talking and sharing – yes it sounds corny but isn’t he supposed to be my best friend?
His brother also lives with us and has for two years now- another huge strain on our relationship. The brother does not work nor does he contribute in anyway to the family – financially or physically. I am at wits end and have been promised for a year now that this would be rectified. He is still there and nothing has ever been discussed with him.
Recently my spouse and I were in an argument about all of the above and his response to me was – why can’t we be married and me just not communicate with you? I explained that marriage doesn’t work that way and he states its just because its not ‘my way’.
I am so frustrated because I do love this man, so do my children. But at the same time I hate feeling so alone in a relationship… what do I do???
2006-10-12 04:34:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
what i would like to know to understand the situation better is when u think these problems started and how it was before. what happened? what is just the routine? is it possible he is angry? it sounds like a defensive and punishing behaviour. anyway it doesnt look good. u know that. i understand u love this man and i believe he gives u strange sence of security. but he denies u a lot more... he is not open, he is not there, he is not appreciating you. you are "cancelled" in your own house and in your marriage. and it wont be easy to make him talk, dont wear yourself out by trying. once someone gives you such an absurd line, (cant we just be married and not communicate!!!), there s no point at negotiating with him over that. what u have to do is put your needs on the table, if u can without anger. if he doesnt respond, wich is very possible, u have to stop beeing so granted. your contribution and love are taken for granted. start going out with friends. announce that u wont be there for a weekend and he ll have to take care of the kids every now and then. do things for yourself, socialize. if he doesnt wake up after that, the only thing u can do is leave. i m sure in my heart he doesnt want to lose you. if the fear of losing you is not stronger then his defences, u re better off. u deserve someone willing to give more.
2006-10-12 07:29:07 · answer #1 · answered by Zoe 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is this my wife? Naw...because I don't have a brother. Look...seems that this is no different than my marriage except I wouldn't allow any slug family member to even grace our doorstep and not contribute. Now that is a problem that I can undersatnd you may be hot about and I don't blame you.
Quite frankly it sounds as though neither of you have any time. between work, the house and the kids it's tough. But...you knew that didn't you? You both communicated to nurture that attraction to one another. Enough to the point that you married. It isn't perfect but take a look at what some people have here. You're doing a helluva a lot better than most.
Now...his remark
why can't we just be married and not communicate" is stupid. You have no choice but to communicate. If not everything goes to hell. Concessions have to be met. If he wants no communication then tell him to hire a maid. Keep talking. Keep the lines open. If all fails and God forbid you decide you've had enough....no one can ever say you never put forth the effort.
Good luck lady.
2006-10-12 04:48:59 · answer #2 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Communication is such an important factor in a relationship. First since you are the one running the house then you should tell his brother he needs to leave if he doesn't start paying you the rent. Yes you will be the biotch. Second, when your husband gets a heart attack or some life altering sickness he will want to be a part of yours and the kids life. That might be a little to late. if your husband refuses to communicate anything to you then you must seek out counseling without him. At some point he is going to have to be there to see the counselor. Otherwise you have a dead relationship and you must move on. Being married to someone who doesn't want to communicate is very hard and stressful. Suggest to him to take his children golfing or fishing so he takes them away from you and give you alone time. If he says no insist on it or else he can find himself a new place to sleep. Maybe all this working is not work at all and he has a new "bed partner". Good luck. I have been there and divorced 2x. Both in the end with no communication on both parts.
2006-10-12 04:45:33 · answer #3 · answered by steve s 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow... what a situation.
First things first: The brother has to go. Period. You married your husband, not his brother. But you have to be willing to stand up for this to the point of leaving if the brother doesn't. It is you or the brother. End of story.
He is using you for his maid/butler. If you leave and take your children by him and your previous marriage(s), leave his kids with him (maybe the deadbeat brother can become the maid?), that will get your husband's attention. Again, you've got to be willing to stand up for this. Do you have a mother/father/sister/friend you and the kids can live with for a while?
This is why divorced/never-married people with kids should not remarry until the kids are grown up and out of the house. You are tearing them apart again! Put your love life on hold while you take care of your responsibilities, which, by your choice (not theirs!), are your kids.
Now, go do the right thing!
2006-10-12 04:38:06 · answer #4 · answered by andalucia 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have put yourself once again in a realtionship that goes astray because you seem to be missing some factors.
If you have a bad pill in you and carry it with you with whom ever you choose it will follow you all your days until you cure it.
When people get divorced it's because they fail to see themselves as the problem rather than looking at it in a perpetual way.
Not all relationships will flourish like we want them too. It takes allot more than one can burden at times to swallow pride than beat the burden.
Evaluate yourself and your selfesteem...who you are, what you want, and how to get there.
Study your alternatives and master them to your best and push yourself beyond the limits to succeed in what ever you want to do no matter what it takes.
Hard work pays off.
2006-10-12 04:50:12 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He could talk in case you agree to stick to the concepts of a marriage counselor. appropriate now I easily have: a million. He did something to get you as much as now. 2. you assert horrific issues. 3. he won't proceed a communique the place you assert horrific issues. once you opt to talk he has 3 possibilities. a. be effective and desire you already know b. say horrific issues back and desire you don't get a knife. c. if he's unable to regulate his anger he could hit you and end of in penal complex. He could agonize approximately c. it somewhat is extra beneficial to stroll out on a female than danger penal complex. See if he will decide for a counselor in case you agree to the advisors words.
2016-12-08 13:28:38 · answer #6 · answered by scheiber 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u really need 2 professionals: 1) a marriage counselor and 2) a lawyer.
something is not quite right here. do u have common friends who can facilitate talks???
the brother is inconsequential. u r angry with him coz u r not along with ur husband. actually y don't u use him?? take a vacation with ur husband while he looks after the kids??
but keep a counselor and lawyer ready.
2006-10-12 04:49:10 · answer #7 · answered by slmanl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Something is definitely wrong.. It could be the brother in the house; however, it seems like he don't like spending time with you at all.. I have been there. My husband was always spending time with anyone but me.. It's no way to live.. Get rid of him.
2006-10-12 05:19:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Watch this please,
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2006-10-12 04:40:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
WHAT CAN YOU DO? YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT TO PLUG IN. IS THIS THE WAY YOU SAW YOUR LIFE, AND IS THIS THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE?
YOUR CHOICE.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP.
2006-10-12 04:47:46 · answer #10 · answered by nwnativeprincess 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋