My stepkids liked me for about 5 years when they were young. Then father took us to court and lost. Last 2 years he has spent trying to convince them how terrible I am. According to him if we buy them something nice we are trying to buy them. If we don't buy them what they want we are punishing them for choosing him over me. 16 yr girl used to love me, won't even speak to me now. Never really got close to boy. 12 year stepdaughter adores me. I just love her, that's all. I used to always support the kids. I would ask them if they had called him lately. I would ask if they wanted extra time with him, etc... Not any more. Wife wants me to go out of my way to try and win them back. I am tired of the game. She is trying to force me on them. They are the ones that pushed me away. I am refusing and she is very angry that I don't do what I am told. She won't go to them and ask them to be nice to me. I am supposed to make all the effort and I refuse. Can't I just avoid them.
2006-10-12 04:30:02 · 10 answers · asked by TK 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Kay, you can't answer a question with a question. And no, I did not break up a happy home. Marriage was over cuz her ex is retarded. She married him right out of high school cuz she was pregnant. She had issues with her parents and wanted a way out. She admits she made a mistake, but now we have to live for the kids. Her ex lives for himself.
2006-10-12 05:02:37 · update #1
Don't kiss their butts. That is a game of confusion and manipulation. Their father has twisted their minds. They are young and impressionable and what he is doing is absolutely foul. Your wife is split in many ways. She wants her children to be happy. She doesn't want to look like she has picked YOU over them. She doesn't want to look like the 'bad' parent. She wants them to love you as she does.
So.....they are young. They have been force fed the garbage about you from their father. If there was love once......when they grow up and mature, it will return. Right now they are just mirroring their father, and his feelings about the situation.
Your wife should respect their right to feel how they want, and also understand that they are teenagers going through a lot of hormones, insecurity, and confusion.......so every little thing is magnified as if it's the end of the world......and the biological dad acting dumb and putting CHILDREN into HIS OWN issues about his ex moving on is beyond retarded.
So I say, nope. Don't kiss butt. When I married my husband, my children wanted no part of him. EVEN though he tried his hardest to earn their favor. I told him right off, not to do that. I sat my children down, informed them that I am the adult and parent. They have the right to their opinion.....but that opinion doesn't, and NEVER WILL dictate my life or actions.
I let them know that I loved him, and that he and I were together for good whether they liked it or not. I let them know that rebellion and manipulation get NO points with me, and it's a game that WILL NOT be played. And if shutting him out and not dealing with him even though he did nothing but try to love and provide for them, is what they wanted to do.........then unfortunately they would end up losing in the end because they are alienating him, and in doing that.......shutting themselves off from all the GOOD, and positive things he could contribute to their lives. Both material and nonmaterial things.
After they saw that I had no strings.......which means, I am NOT their puppet.......they eased up and allowed a relationship to develop. Now they adore him, and the sky is the limit. When I disagree with something, he is usually for it (because I am the conservative disciplinarian type) and that ends up working to their advantage because it takes the whole lot of them to prove their point and get me to reconsider some of the things I would normally just out right refuse.
So, again. Don't kiss butt. Explain it to your wife. Let her know that you understand that she feels she is in the middle, but that you love her, and you love them......but this is their decision, and they have to come around on your own. Bribery and butt kissing won't make it occur. Tell her that it's okay for those aspects of her life.....her marriage and her children to be seperate if it causes that much turmoil. You love her, you love them. She loves you, she loves them. They lover her, used to love you, and are torn because of their father's issues. In time they will come around. And until they do, you will still be in her life, and you'll be there whenever the kids DO get their little minds together.
2006-10-12 04:54:46 · answer #1 · answered by lilac b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You, my friend, are being manipulated. The kids know which buttons to push to get what they want and what to tell you that will keep the drama between you and their dad going. They are also teens and their hormones make them unstable until they are about 25. LOL.
Put simply, detach. Their mom can take care of them. If they need a ride, she can give them a ride. If they need something for school, their mother can take care of it. You are under no obligation to be anything but polite to them. Leave their care completely to their mother and they will come around. The cost of being rude to you should be that they don't get extras or favors from you. I would also maybe have a family conference about what the rules are in the household for everyone. Make everyone sign the rules so they can't say they didn't know.
2006-10-12 05:05:32 · answer #2 · answered by hannahthemovie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No! You can't just avoid them. It sounds from your statements that you really love these children and it also sounds like they need a mature responsible adult male role-model in their lives. My spouse is step-parent to 2 children, 16 yr. girl and 12 yr. boy, they call him daddy. I am the step-parent to a 23yr. boy, he calls me mom. I would like to suggest that to fix the problem that you need to re-bond with these children. An excellent way is by having dinner together at least a couple of times a week, you, your spouse and all the children. Talk about things like what's going on in their school lives, who they are hanging out with, etc. What ever you do don't mention their biological father and if the subject comes up please don't say anything negative and change the subject with a statement similar to "I thought we would just talk about what is going on in our house tonight." You really aren't going out of your way if you think about it, because all of you have to eat anyway, you might as well do it together. If the dinner doesn't work after about 4 weeks I'd try a family counselor, again include everyone. Most employers have a program in place where you can get 3 to 4 sessions with a family counselor for free. If yours doesn't you can also find family counseling at most local mental health departments or through the local united way.
2006-10-12 05:03:44 · answer #3 · answered by M Edwards 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop the MADNESS. Your household needs a sitdown around the table. The subject needs to be how the teenagers handle living in your house for three more years. Start with the I'm not your father line. Move onto the fact that their father will never like you because you are living with his EX. Explain it is not your place to get between them and their father and have never tried.
Offer to let them go live with their father any time they wish. That it would probably mean leaving their school and friends is not your concern. Then lay down the new rules which include their respect for your position. Frankly, teenagers are despicable creatures and are very good at playing you against each other.
Do not let them include you in their games. Point out that they will be out of your house soon. Their mother and little sister are your concern and they are not. They can learn to be civil or they can go live with daddy and see how grand life is.
Time has come to treat them as adults with adult situations and explanations. Their mother is probably incapable of doing this because she is, well, their mother.
Let the kids know that they are short timers and you will be treating them that way if they wish. Its their call.
Clear the air. Do it soon. Let them know what you have observed regarding their attitude and how it has affected their mother. Also let them know that they are beginning to adversely affect their mother's relationship with you and you do not appreciate it as you have never done anything to their detriment. Point out to them that as they are approaching adulthood they need to do a better job of recognizing the motives behind peoples actions and words.
2006-10-12 05:11:05 · answer #4 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You only have a couple years left and they'll be gone. Hang in there. I agree it should not be all up to you; the kids should make an effort, too. Have a family meeting. Make it clear you will make an effort when they do. Get the problems out in the open. This has to be a family effort or it will not work. Good Luck.
2006-10-12 05:11:54 · answer #5 · answered by Lotus 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She needs to stand her ground and be a parent. If you let teenagers monopolize they will. You help to support them not vica versa and your wife should talk with her kids as well as you all at once call a family meeting and get to the root of the problem. to answer your question heck no your not to kiss there little tails. you and your wife my need to talk to the father since he's a big part of the problem.
2006-10-12 05:05:13 · answer #6 · answered by cwallflower32 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me that you should get some family counseling this way everyone will have the chance to say how they feel.You are right it is not your place to win them over it is your wife's place to tell them you are her husband and they should respect you.I recommend you stop trying to gain their friendship but don't be an A hole either.Just be yourself and if they don't like it F it!They will be adults soon and maybe once they grow up they will realize how stupid this really is.
2006-10-12 04:42:20 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Teens tend to distance themselves. Don't let it worry you. Give them their space but remain available for them. Avoiding them is not a good idea. You could ask them if they are okay, if there is anything they would like to discuss. You will most likely get the brush off. But just let them know, you'll be there for them.
2006-10-12 07:46:27 · answer #8 · answered by impatientone_2000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A #1 Question:
Did you break up their home, in the first place???
2006-10-12 04:56:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
JUST CONTINUE TO BE THE WAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN WITH THEM. CHILDREN NEED CONSISTANCY, THEY MAY NOT RELIZE IT NOW, BUT THEY WILL.
REMEMBER TEENAGERISM S*U*C*K*.
2006-10-12 05:01:11 · answer #10 · answered by nwnativeprincess 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋