We are in our 40's. He is very closed and refuses to talk about it at all. Anytime I inquire about getting to know his kids, he just says it's not time yet. I am feeling uneasy about the situation. He says he wants a future with me but yet his past remains a mystery. He lives with me and my 12 yr. old, but the meer mention of bringing his kids around causes a fight. He pays ( a lot of ) child support, but there is zero contact. I am begininning to feel like he doesn't bring them around because he's not sure he wants to stay with me. Am I being paranoid, should I just be grateful I don't have 5 kids running around? Or should I insist he bring that part of his life into our relationship? I really need some advise.
2006-10-12 04:01:10 · 17 answers · asked by Lynda 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Does he have a relationship with his kids? You make it sound like he doesn't. And if that is the case, I don't think he is keeping them from you.
Also, as someone from a broken home, I was constantly being exposed to my parents' different boyfriends/girlfriends. As soon as I would get close, they would just disapeer. Maybe your man is doing the right thing by not introducing you until he is certain it will work out. Not only on his part, but also so he knows you won't be taking off, either.
And, no, you probably don't want them around, anyway. Kids can be hell on their parents' partners.
2006-10-12 04:08:25 · answer #1 · answered by emt42 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My case is similar, but at the same time, somewhat different. I've had this g/f for the last seven months. We get along great. I have two kids I'm very close to and that I see all the time (like four times a week not counting the every other w/end they're with me). They are ages 13 and 7. I immensely love them.
During all these months, I have never introduced my g/f to my kids. The reason? I'm not yet sure I'm in a solid, long lasting relationship. If it does work out, then I'll do the proper introductions. But let's suppose it doesn't work out and I had already introduced the g/f to the kids (or vice versa), then the breakup, would be for my kids somewhat like going through divorce all over again.
I do talk a lot to my g/f about the kids and she even asks about them and seems interested in some of their activities. She is comfortable with the notion that I don't want the introductions yet.
As for my kids, I am not hiding anything from them. I already told my 13 year old daughter that I do go out with someone.
If we do at sometime break up, it would be very unwise to also introduce them to a future g/f. I do not want my kids to remember their father as a casanova.
I prefer to keep my romantic life and my life with my kids as two parallel lines that will rarely intersect.
And about your case, yes it is somewhat rather spooky that your b/f doesn't even like the mentioning of his kids.
Good luck, my friend.
2006-10-12 11:20:32 · answer #2 · answered by Twisted&Demented 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This situation has red flags all over it! Maybe your guy is still married! Maybe he's had more than one wife and the kids are by different mothers! Maybe he's spent time in prison and his kids might tell you! Maybe there's a court order he isn't allowed to see his kids because of his bad behavior. Whatever. If none of the above is true, then he just isn't sure he wants to stay with you if he won't introduce you to his children. After a year, you should have better communication and be part of each other's families. The fact that he is secretive, tells me something is fishy here. I don't think you should trust this man or tolerate this. It's not good for your son to have this man around if the man isn't open and honest. Tell your boy friend that he either shares his whole life story with you or he moves out. Now.
2006-10-12 11:25:01 · answer #3 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Oh my goodness! I can't believe you've put up with this behavior for this long! His children should have been introduced to you and your 12 yr. old BEFORE the two of you moved in together!! And he never has contact with his kids?! You haven't found that strange? No red flags go up in your mind about this? He may have some skeletons in his closet and you're just acting and letting him continue to act like there's nothing to discuss here! I'm wondering why you're even staying and have for this long! I really don't think you should insist now....he*l it's already been a year! Think you past the "insisting" stage that he bring them around about 10 mos. ago! So that's another opportunity ya let go by. Grateful that you don't have 5 kids running around.....nah I think ya goofed on that one too. When you are with someone, their children and themselves are a package deal. You love a person, you love their child(ren) also. I think you should just chalk this relationship up to "going nowhere" and move on. Something is seriously wrong with him hiding his past and children!
2006-10-12 11:12:26 · answer #4 · answered by yokrem 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he's not allowed to have contact with his kids. There may be a restraining order or something stopping him from seeing them. I would try to do a little digging if you can into his history. He may not be a man that you want around your 12 yr old. This has red flags all over it.
2006-10-12 11:05:35 · answer #5 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you're being paranoid at all. I agree that this is really strange behavior. If I were you, I'd wonder if maybe he isn't allowed to see the kids for some criminal reason that he doesn't want you to know about.
2006-10-12 11:05:23 · answer #6 · answered by ~jules~ 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the man may have lost in a very messy divorce case, and maybe he has lost the custody of the kids and is too proud to tell u that!!!somewhere along the line he sounds like a guy whose ego, personality and manhood has been beaten bad.
personally, if he is nice to ur kid and is a good father, i think u shud give him more time. he'll open up with time. maybe he is too unsure whether he shud open up to u or not. what if u too walk out on him or hurt him???
2006-10-12 11:12:30 · answer #7 · answered by slmanl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
something is fishy. good or bad no one can tell except you. a relationship after one year should be honest, sincere etc. he has a problem not bringing it up to the open. it hurts or he does not want to hurt you or change the status quo. whatever the real reason --both of you should speak to a family counselor --he/she they have their own way of dealing with similar situation. this is not the best answer -- it is not meant to be but it is an honest answer. good luck.
2006-10-12 11:05:49 · answer #8 · answered by s t 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Maybe his kids don't want to be around him or maybe he's not allowed to be around them. I would investigate more in this since you have a 12 year old daughter, you want what's best for her first.
2006-10-12 11:03:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's bad enough that you live with a guy like this. It's far worse that you expose your 12-year-old to this. What do you think that child is learning by this behavior?
You need to get him out and find out why you go for losers who are completely unavailable to you.
2006-10-12 11:21:52 · answer #10 · answered by adamsjrcn 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋