I have been married for 18 years. For the last 2 years my marriage has gone down the tubes. Last year he pushed my daughter (she's 15) in a arguement and tried to hit her over a stupid cell battery. I had to get in between them to get them to calm down. She hasn't forgotten that day. Now just last week him and my son (he's 12) got in an arguement and he hit my son on the shoulder and left a big bruise. I was at work at the time. Every since this has been going on, my love for him has vanished. I am not attracted to him anymore. Now my son tells my daughter he's scared. Should I just tell my husband I can't deal with this anymore, we have to go? I care for him but I don't love him.
2006-10-12 03:45:23 · 15 answers · asked by marebear 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
talk to your children. Tell them not to antagonize him. After hitting son, he knows now to give the man space. Don't base your decision on your children because they will be gone one day. Base it on you. Ask yourself if there is any chance that you could be happy with him again one day. Then ask yourself if the quality of life will be better with him or without him.(can you afford to lose him) Go from there. See what's going on in his life to just start hitting children and tell him if he does it again you will report him.
2006-10-12 03:52:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is having a crisis. Sure you can leave him but then did you mean "in good times and bad" when you took those vows. Sure Kick him to the curb cause he doesn't know how to deal with teenagers (why were the kids "arguing" with him anyway doesn't he have athourity in thier lives?) try comming along side him, getting him some help with his anger. Love him, respect him, not his actions as they sound very wrong in your question. It is completely unacceptable to put your hands on a child in that fashon. The 12 year old probably did need some kind of correction but not a punch from his dad...YES HIS DAD. you will be taking your children's father away from them in most senses of the word.
If you don't love him anymore, what have you done?...what has changed your feeling toward him...not what has he done, what have you done...or not done. Do you still meet him at the door when he comes home...no you are at work too. Do you still make love or look forward to this...doesn't sound like it...How is he supposed to feel? Do you have any ownership is where he is mentally and emotionaly right now...if so you can get this back on track and you should not kick him to the curb yet. You must exhaust every avenue of help and reconciliation prior to divorce. Please for the kids sake...Oh...and you can tell him or hour dad or a pastor or some male authority in his life that hitting the kids is not acceptable...and will not be tolerated.
It sounds like your family dynamic is off right now. Get some real help not just a quick answer before you throw this under the bus!
2006-10-12 04:01:52 · answer #2 · answered by Cadman1965 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't answer your question effectively -- neither can anyone else here. Sounds like your husband could benefit from some anger management classes. I'm not usually one for counseling, but I do think that this might be worth a try.
If I were you, I'd take a 4 step approach. Step 1: Talk to him 1st... tell him you aren't happy with his constant lashing out. Tell him that the kids are scared and this has got to stop. Ask him why he needs to be angry all the time. Step 2: If this happens again, ask him to seek help with anger management. Let him try. Step 3: If he refuses to go or anger management is ineffective, then tell him that he needs some time away from the kids. Step 4: leave him.
Step 1 gives fair warning that you are unhappy. Step 2 gives him the opportunity to change his ways. Step 3 gives him a punitavie measure for his behavior. Step 4 is an ultimatum.
I wouldn't just toss in the towel here... it's worth a shot. If he comes around, then it'll be well worth the effort. If it doesn't, then you don't have to feel bad about leaving.
2006-10-12 03:57:53 · answer #3 · answered by Sam I AM 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you feel that there is any way to salvage your marriage? Obviously he needs some anger management help. Have you tried going to group counseling? Being married for 18 years is a long time and would be heartbreaking for all involved if you gave up now. You need to deal with his anger issues. Even if you did leave, he'd still see the kids and what would happen when he got mad and you weren't there? Pray about it and see what God tells you to do. Remember the vows you took, for better or for worse and try to get some professional help. Then if it still doesn't work out, you can hold your head high and know that you did everything you could before walking away.
2006-10-12 03:53:18 · answer #4 · answered by skybelle24 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am changing my answer in mid-stream after getting a e-mail from fellow answerer. First thing first, tell your husband that if the children needs punishment it will be in another form. If he lays a hand of them in anger again, that you will not hestiate to leave. That he has to get control of this pushing and punching. Punishment yes...abuse no.
Are you sure the love is completly gone? Or are you so angry and hurt by his actions that it's taken away some of it. If you can get him into counseling, I think that would be for the best. But if you are totally sure that there's no fixing this...then maybe it would be best for you to leave. I don't like divorce, I don't recommend it lightly, why not a seperation. Let things cool off, and maybe with time, and some work from both of you..things would be back.
If you can't ever see yourself ever loving this man again, then it's time to go. I am so sorry that your son is scared of his father, that's not right. Your husband needs to apologize to his child now. It's ok for parents to make mistakes, but it's not ok to ignore the damage that was done by them. Honey, I would never ever try to tell you what to do but, only give you another way of thinking about things. It's your choices, your happiness, and your precious children's mental and physical well being are all that's important. Your husband needs some help, something is going on, and if he won't talk to you, and help you understand or let you help him, then you have a big decision to make. I pray that God gives the strength to find the right answers for all of you, and the courage to do what is best.
God bless us all...................
2006-10-12 03:59:31 · answer #5 · answered by totallylost 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Do NOT tell your husband that you are leaving him - please call a domestic abuse shelter in your area or 1-800-799-SAFE and let a professional counselor help you come up with a plan of action. Most women who are injured or killed by their spouse are when they announce that they are leaving.
You may need to swallow your pride and comfort and stay at a women's shelter for a few weeks - I did this and it was the best thing I ever did. They have legal advocates on staff who will help you with whatever you need - filing protection from abuse orders, helping you find housing or getting him out of the house, etc.
Good luck to you and trust your gut before one of your kids gets hurt.
2006-10-12 03:55:13 · answer #6 · answered by dawniedawn67 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seek some help.. my old man was very adusive to my mom and to me.... he used to hit us a lot... I remember being punched in the back of the head, and having my ear ripped by him..... my mom was ready to leave him, but he interviened, he talked with her and he decided to get some help.... they went to counsling..... his relationship with my mom got much much better... they are really good now... his relationship with me, was rocky at best.... as they had more kids, he was very loving to them... but he was never that way to me... he always expected too much from me, and when i screwed up, he would still go after me..... the last time he did this (4 years ago), I actually stood up for myself, and beat him down... don't get me wrong, my dad's a huge guy, but I still man handled him... ever since then, he has never touched me again... he now doesn't treat me like a son, more like a friend..... i guess what I'm trying to say is, even after all I went through... I still love my dad, and always want him in my life.... being older now, I realized that my dad was never a strong person inside.... he is very weak... he was a bully, it took me putting him in his place, to set him straight.. I see the way he loves my siblings, and it's great.....
I've come to the conclusion, that any man, that beats his wife or children, is a weak coward.... you need to put this man in place..... tell him that you love him, but you love your kids.. and will do anything to protect them, and that means leaving him... see what his response is... hopefully he will admit he needs anger management.....
you have to remember, you love your husband, you married him...... right now, he does need help, he is very weak..... to up and leave him, will only make him weaker.....
2006-10-12 04:02:35 · answer #7 · answered by Nick S 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ohh darlin i feel so near to u...i to have been thru this.. he hit my daughter and now she has left home and he doesnt want her back cos hes scared of her temper..the thing is he is scared of his own temper and bit by bit the love wears off and ur made to choose between him and the kids..the thing is i left when he did that and for three months he had to live alone and i tried hard to get a bond with my daughter..i am still here with him...and it has got better and he is kind to the kids but says he prefers to help them but not live with them..the ting is..it does make u feel......angry and u can do things like have affairs out of anger and also.you can leave or you can go on a holiday... but in the end it does need to be resolved... i have told mine if he touches them again i will leave...and thatis that and he belives me..and i would..but.. yes we went to counselling and yes i had to leave and yes we changed our living situation but my daughter wanted to go live with her boyfriend anyways so that was sorta a good thing...but i often feel like you and if it reverts i most definetly shall leave..but then my kids are all left home now and it wont happen cos no one lives here and they still all come over...to visit... however my husband spent a night in jail for hitting my kid..and that did help matters...he needed to see he cant do it and get away with it... that is what has kept our marriage together the fact i acted on it... if i hadnt it woould have got worse.
2006-10-12 03:55:53 · answer #8 · answered by cleo_alter_ego 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should get your children out of an abusive relationship now. They're not good and one day when your at work it might be worse than a bruise. Or...if you're scared call the cops.
2006-10-12 03:48:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't even tell him. File the abuse charge and run. It is only going to get worse as it continues.
Save yourself the emergency room trip and get your kids out now. If not for you, then do it for the safety of your children.
2006-10-12 03:49:07 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋